Random thoughts from 2:23pm - 2:55pm, 13th March 2006.

i have been told so many times that i might be asking too much out of life. the funny thing is.. that never struck me until yesterday, talking to ronald (r1). for a split second i experienced a jolt of dejavu, names of peole flooding my head, suddenly fully aware that was far from the first time it has been said to me.

i always considered that a good thing, a drive that might somehow land me into wonderful exciting spots. i remember telling myself since i was a little kid, that once i am 17/18, i would be carelessly unwise, nonchalant, seeking and moving from life's perk to another, happily wedged between understanding and mastering the world. but of course, things never happen as planned.

i am 2 years over due and im still waiting.

did i grow too fast that i missed those moments? did my desire to devour everything ironically caused me to miss my stop? or does the hurt and decaying self-worth come from nostalgia for something that never existed? or does it come from my helplessness and powerlessness, and struggle to suffocate myself and become someone else? the contradictions of my personality?

maybe it is just all my fault.

....

labels are thrown at me. i admit to one thing, beleive in another and i am called a hypocrite. i hate being the unpredictability of being in love, but i am in love with love. i call myself a feminist, but i worry about looking like a female fat ass. i scorn bimbos, but damm do i love those dior bracelets. superficiality. pretentiousness. people become means to an ends for each other. give each other labels, smile and pretend otherwise and use the labels for whatever reason.

....

what is love?

is love having no expectations or having them satisfied?

is love found in constant excitement and maintained novelty, or familiarity and reciprocity?

is love allowing to be hurt, or being allowed to hurt?

does love carry us through all the tough times, or is love about making each time good?

....

people tell me my thinking is gonna kill me soon enough. and i agree. we are but human, they say. flawed beings and bodies. then why make that ideal? why the concept of perfection? why do we judge? why do we bleed each other? a mechanism of control? what control? who? why?

why must i care? why would i bother? why do i fear? why do i cry? why do i laugh? why do i love? why do i dread? why do i anticipate? why can't i just be alone? why do i live?

why dont i want to live?