If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Say Anything At All - Margaret Atwood, Dropped Threads 1

read it.

Augusten Borroughs on couple-cohabitation and magical thinking:
" Have i given up anything by living with another person? Has there been a trade off? Always, there is a trade-off. And the answer comes to me instantly. i have given up a certain degree of freedom. the ability to plow through my life with utter disregard for the thoughts and feelings of other people. I can no longer read a magazine and throw it on the floor.
In exchange, i get unlimited acess to the one person i have met in my life whom i automatically felt was out of my league. My favourtite human being, the single person i cherish above all others. This is the person i get to share the oxygen in the room with.
And for this, i will happily scrub the toilet. And i won't make fun of anybody who drives an SUV. Unless of course, they really desearve it. And I'll try to let things happen. Not always feel like i have to control everything.
With the exception of those things i can control, that is, with my mind." - Magical Thinking

a wonderful ending to a hilariously appalling book.

oh, love.

" You thought you had it all figured out. You thought you were over him but now here he is again, sitting down at your kitchen table, saying, I've missed you, I've changed, you know you can trust me.

What you do know, within these ten minutes, is that you are willing to do absolutely anthing for him. You also know that you are going to give him another chance and he is going to hurt you again"
- Diane Schoemperlen, In a Dark Season

one of my favourite authors.

maybe one day i'll write like her.

why do i love in despair?

so much pretense.

pretend.

f.a.k.e. - - smells like artificial fur. tastes like polyester.

p.v.c. leather - pleather - for s.k.i.n. i cant feel anything.

our [s .p .a .c .e .g .r .o .w .s as the cicadas call for love----> ] still.

now, what?

who? how. owh. woh. ohw. owh. hwo. who? how. what?

i miss yoU.

Under the weight of your wings, you are a god and whatever i want you to be.

I make believe you've got all that i need.








some of the random usless things i made...

this is another rant:

i am sick and tired of people cateogrizing feminists into a small, fixed iditoic box in which only those who are unable to assimilate into this shitty sexist racist society completely would qualify. people are so blinded by all the bullshit stereotypes and rigid rules that they simply are toooooooo fucking retarded to find out that feminism.. isnt about lesbains, it isn a commmunity of only WOMEN. we aren't butches, we arent fat ugly women who cant get men( and trust me.. i think those who get away from wanting anyone are the only ones who have reached nirvana), neither are we trolls who prance the street and burn bras(why would we? if it wasnt an act of defiance? bras provide faboulous support u know.) and are man haters... when infact being a feminist merely means being someone who supports equality, for all (men included... men and women of alllllll cultures and races and what not. but of course, there is no such thing as race or nationality).

for example,(as a young woman)

if i like wearing makeup, it doesnt make me less of a feminist. i just have a soft spot for wanting to look desireable.. whether or not the mainstream idea of what beauty is is mostly defined by men. it doesnt mean that i dont support equality.

if i love men, i have sex with them and i fuck around. it doesnt make me less of a feminist. neither does it make me a whore, slut, while men are studs, casonovas... i just enjoy what most prudes are too afraid to enjoy. not to mention, being sexually active and unbashed is a form of resistance, as long as i dont go on international tv and celebrate what mass media would make me into.

if i wear tight jeans, to show off the nice ass i got from the gym, it doesnt make me less of a feminist. i just like the occasional attention. i mean, DONT FUCKING BLAME US if we have been brought up in a certain way to lik certain things. maybe not everyone has the bloody courage to change so completely. it does NOT imply that i do not believe in equality .

if i get married and have babies, own a nice picket fence and a golden retriver, it doesnt make me less of a feminist. i just happen to find someone i love(who simply happens to be male), and if i CHOOSE to stay at home, look after my babies and cook food, it doesnt imply i do not believe in equality. i merely enjoy doing what i do. and as long as i am fully appreciated, i choose to do what i want to do. isnt equality about choice?

if i have a lifestyle that never inspired me to think about feminism, per se... doesnt make me less of a femninist as long as i beleive in equality. so what if i had a lucky privileged life? does it mean i must feel guilty and ashamed of what i had because of my "lack of experience"? as long as i posess empathy, dont put me down.

also, i do not understand why women ahve to do allt he changing around here.. like.. not wearing skirts.. not wearing makeup.. not having children.. not having this not having tat.. like there is an economy of how much women are supposed to have or not have... while men sit on their big fat "masculine" asses with pants, not caring for the kids.. waving their big paycheques around(because they wont have as many family problems as women).. and so on.. the only change being that they ahve to start proclaiming that they support their women. like WHAT THE FUCK?

i am VERY VERY sick and tired of idiotic men insisting that since women have this now.. therefore men should have that as well. fucking idiots dont even realise that everything people talk about.. everything people study.. everything people do... is already centered their penises. everrrrryyythinggg done is done on their terms...or in relation to them. but alll they really do is just sit ont heir asses.. continue saying that they believe in equality.. do nothing else and insist everything must be exactly the same. its like telling the black person to pretend slavery didnt ever happen. what is this? historical amnesia?

if thats the case then, how come people dont group each other by the size of their ears? or noses? why create a whole hooha with a load of bullshit based on genitals? or skin colour?

i've been so occupied with real life i have forgotten to look for beauty.

this blog has been left alone for too long. i ought to blabber some insanity at 3am in the morning just to justify its meaningless existence.

maybe i could use my upcoming 20th birthday as an occasion. what happened to the good days when everything would be grabbed and made into an excuse to celebrate. valentines' day, christmas, new year, then chinese new year, then hari raya, then thursday morning, birthdays, aniversaries, etc. now they are merely seen as a way for consummerism's menacing hands to curl its swiney fingers around people's money and lives.. OR they just return to their original state of being useless, meaningless, tiresome days..... to match the monotony of my insiginificant life. or maybe im just bored out of my mind. and angry about it.

so.. do something about it. the most irritating offhanded, uninterested remark ever received by yours truly. oh i will, thank you very much. since i intentionally made it that way. please note the sarcasm of my words, and the very unhidden agenda of wanting to serverly fracture the skull of whoever says it to me with my very bare fists (and a handy brick wall). at first it made me sad, i felt unwanted, stupid, useless( not that i am not of course), but another part of me felt patronized, put down, insulted, dismissed, and therefore furious. maybe i had just made the mistake of believing in compassion and understanding in certain people.

as always, im always wrong. (note sarcasm has not yet ended)

i am dully aware that i am becoming incoherent.. and im sure to find some laughs in my rational state in the day when i do read this again.. (even though i have been accused for being irrational.... as the person i am). regardless.. i am enjoying this completely unedited rambling... considering i have yet to do anything of this sort for the past 4-5 months or so. maybe even longer. i dont know.

anyways back to me being furious. why do i get furious? how come anger is such a familiar flare in the pit of my stomach yet it bothers me so. desensitization doesnt occur all the time, particularly when it comes to anger. saddness... joy... yes. but rage still Burns. with a capital B.

i believe that it is mostly induced, or rather, casused, indirectly by the expectations and assumptions i make about people, especially the ones i hold dear. i would now see it as self-centredness on my part, to seek sympathy and understanding from someone else just as self centered. explanations, justifications, clarifications fly by the ears of the feigned listenter. reciprocity(of better things, not self centreredenss) does occur.. once in a while. many times however, big words, large oblivious accusations are thrown around, resulting in repressed, unexpressed, slept off irritation and anger that urges me to stop breathing and just wither and die. just so i wont have to ever deal with shit like that again.

but of course. it would happen again soon enough.

why cant i just die?

maybe after my useless, ignored, insignificant birthday. at least then it would be official that i died at nice, beautiful age. at least ill be young forever. age is terrifying. i decided i wont want to live past 45. espcially if by then i am not accomplished, elegant and perfect. it would be too vile to imagine if i am not. really and truly.

no one understands so many of the fears i have. yet they are so true. happens everywhere.. but everyones just denying the fact that LIFE IS FULL OF SHIT. instead, we spend our whole lives trying to find that something or someone special(after the godforsaken puberty) to serve as a disclaimer(if we havent already confirmed it somehow. my belief has just been continuedly renouced almost daily).

then, the funny thing is.. when we think we have found that someone of something.. we let them make our lives Burn, and vice versa. then we hold on to the sickly sweet gorgeous flawless days shared, adamant that all misery is temporary, the sickly cotton candy days are worth every bleeding heart, every reopened wound and every sleepless, Burning night. however, in the midst of hope and illusion, we fail to realise that hope only emerges together with miersy and the death of hope. ironically. just like how optimisim emerges the need to see the good in the shit thrown at us. and pessimism.. is merely seeing, in the good, how shitty things can get. because goodness = higher stakes = more chances to either fuck up or raise the stakes even more.

what happened to ambivalence?

how come no one talks about monotony, grey, dull hours, the in-betweens? no one talks about boredom, the looming nothingness of each second. the flat, dusty surfaces of life. are they not intersting? maybe the irony is.. by describing these things in a certain way... suddenly we are not merely describing the the thing we are describing. what we say suddenly becomes a stance, a position we simply must Choose in order to be comprehensible. am i being comprehensible? must we live in black and white, blue and red, roses and carnations, joyous and miserable, fucked up and blissed out, steady... and?

no room for in betweens.

or maybe we dont want them. after all, humanity rejoices in its fluctuating psyche. or am i just taught to beleive so?

well, my hands are getting tired. and i justwent on a strange rant to work of the Burning in my chest. although i barely said anything about what is exactly bothering me. i tend to lose myself in all the different Burns. its still there, but its now a orange glow of a discarded lit cigarrette butt floating on a ripple in a puddle by the road.

but the hate for my life..... has probably only begun. im only 20. i daresay i've got a good couple of decades to endure.. until maybe one day i'll grow some guts and initiated a change.

btw, as an end note. love sucks. i can almost hear the chorus of agreement of my immaginary audience. but goddammit, i want it too.