this blog has been left alone for too long. i ought to blabber some insanity at 3am in the morning just to justify its meaningless existence.

maybe i could use my upcoming 20th birthday as an occasion. what happened to the good days when everything would be grabbed and made into an excuse to celebrate. valentines' day, christmas, new year, then chinese new year, then hari raya, then thursday morning, birthdays, aniversaries, etc. now they are merely seen as a way for consummerism's menacing hands to curl its swiney fingers around people's money and lives.. OR they just return to their original state of being useless, meaningless, tiresome days..... to match the monotony of my insiginificant life. or maybe im just bored out of my mind. and angry about it.

so.. do something about it. the most irritating offhanded, uninterested remark ever received by yours truly. oh i will, thank you very much. since i intentionally made it that way. please note the sarcasm of my words, and the very unhidden agenda of wanting to serverly fracture the skull of whoever says it to me with my very bare fists (and a handy brick wall). at first it made me sad, i felt unwanted, stupid, useless( not that i am not of course), but another part of me felt patronized, put down, insulted, dismissed, and therefore furious. maybe i had just made the mistake of believing in compassion and understanding in certain people.

as always, im always wrong. (note sarcasm has not yet ended)

i am dully aware that i am becoming incoherent.. and im sure to find some laughs in my rational state in the day when i do read this again.. (even though i have been accused for being irrational.... as the person i am). regardless.. i am enjoying this completely unedited rambling... considering i have yet to do anything of this sort for the past 4-5 months or so. maybe even longer. i dont know.

anyways back to me being furious. why do i get furious? how come anger is such a familiar flare in the pit of my stomach yet it bothers me so. desensitization doesnt occur all the time, particularly when it comes to anger. saddness... joy... yes. but rage still Burns. with a capital B.

i believe that it is mostly induced, or rather, casused, indirectly by the expectations and assumptions i make about people, especially the ones i hold dear. i would now see it as self-centredness on my part, to seek sympathy and understanding from someone else just as self centered. explanations, justifications, clarifications fly by the ears of the feigned listenter. reciprocity(of better things, not self centreredenss) does occur.. once in a while. many times however, big words, large oblivious accusations are thrown around, resulting in repressed, unexpressed, slept off irritation and anger that urges me to stop breathing and just wither and die. just so i wont have to ever deal with shit like that again.

but of course. it would happen again soon enough.

why cant i just die?

maybe after my useless, ignored, insignificant birthday. at least then it would be official that i died at nice, beautiful age. at least ill be young forever. age is terrifying. i decided i wont want to live past 45. espcially if by then i am not accomplished, elegant and perfect. it would be too vile to imagine if i am not. really and truly.

no one understands so many of the fears i have. yet they are so true. happens everywhere.. but everyones just denying the fact that LIFE IS FULL OF SHIT. instead, we spend our whole lives trying to find that something or someone special(after the godforsaken puberty) to serve as a disclaimer(if we havent already confirmed it somehow. my belief has just been continuedly renouced almost daily).

then, the funny thing is.. when we think we have found that someone of something.. we let them make our lives Burn, and vice versa. then we hold on to the sickly sweet gorgeous flawless days shared, adamant that all misery is temporary, the sickly cotton candy days are worth every bleeding heart, every reopened wound and every sleepless, Burning night. however, in the midst of hope and illusion, we fail to realise that hope only emerges together with miersy and the death of hope. ironically. just like how optimisim emerges the need to see the good in the shit thrown at us. and pessimism.. is merely seeing, in the good, how shitty things can get. because goodness = higher stakes = more chances to either fuck up or raise the stakes even more.

what happened to ambivalence?

how come no one talks about monotony, grey, dull hours, the in-betweens? no one talks about boredom, the looming nothingness of each second. the flat, dusty surfaces of life. are they not intersting? maybe the irony is.. by describing these things in a certain way... suddenly we are not merely describing the the thing we are describing. what we say suddenly becomes a stance, a position we simply must Choose in order to be comprehensible. am i being comprehensible? must we live in black and white, blue and red, roses and carnations, joyous and miserable, fucked up and blissed out, steady... and?

no room for in betweens.

or maybe we dont want them. after all, humanity rejoices in its fluctuating psyche. or am i just taught to beleive so?

well, my hands are getting tired. and i justwent on a strange rant to work of the Burning in my chest. although i barely said anything about what is exactly bothering me. i tend to lose myself in all the different Burns. its still there, but its now a orange glow of a discarded lit cigarrette butt floating on a ripple in a puddle by the road.

but the hate for my life..... has probably only begun. im only 20. i daresay i've got a good couple of decades to endure.. until maybe one day i'll grow some guts and initiated a change.

btw, as an end note. love sucks. i can almost hear the chorus of agreement of my immaginary audience. but goddammit, i want it too.