there comes a time when you realize you simply cannot go do something ever again.

months have passed, i thought i was doing so well.. i thought i was coping just fine, that i'll be alright.. i wasn't even thinking about it that much anymore.... a little time would fix any emotional ailment.. i might even have found a good landing strip...

i thought it would be a phase like any other... heartbreak was typical and inevitable, and hence supposed to be inconsequential, temporary and bearable. i had vowed never to let boys do anything to me, that love is merely a false compromise between stability and happiness. the only irony now is that i am (still) devastated to find out i was right.

for the past 3 years, i loved him obsessively, my world evolved around the perpetual cycle of having and not having, the whole time immersed in a constant ache for something concrete, the same promises and dreams etched into the lines along our palms. i never knew how much i needed and wanted until i let him become my ever shifting shoreline - i never knew exactly where and when i could land and remain.

i am (still) very angry, to feel completely cheated and ostracized and rejected for the superficial facts that make me. dare i call it racism? dare i say i do not deserve this bullshit? dare i proclaim its hypocrisy in valuing labels over human autonomy? there had been no room or time for growth, learning, compromise. and now you tell me you had never understood me for even more reasons.

nothing could leave me more defeated.

was it all a waste of time? emotions and energy fed to the wind to fuel the storm this morning? but you heard it on the news, and only felt the drizzle of rain on your skin.

you still don't understand me.


and i am letting go.