For the love of my life

You saturate my universe-
with the smell of your skin
and on mine your lips
the taste of the promises and hopes and lies you utter into my hair,
laughter and passions we used to share -
the way you hold me and then tell me you don't believe in love.
You saturate my universe -
with the everything you are that i crave,
.and no longer crave,
with a constant unrequited craving for reconciliation, waiting.
with misunderstandings, dismissals, verbal abuse,
with disappointment.

I hate you, you motherfucken bastard.

love is completely useless. romantics use its temporary insanity and blindness to shield themselves from a realistic world. the real world is filled with hate and contempt. Pain, anger, loathing, grit in your teeth, the heat from the scratches you drag across your burning skin. It wakes you up from your embarrassing slumber, it threatens to crush your insides. the real world is filled with insensitive pricks who cannot and will not see pass their own atrocities and be convinced that you are a person with feelings and with your own individualistic limitations and ideas. but once you fall in love, your capacity to forgive expands. your world widens and flattens in a blurry two-dimensional manner. you let him treat you like shit for years, and allow his apologies and negligence become a norm, a fact that you just HAVE to live with. love makes you rely on someone who is never going to be there, someone who postpones your life to make room for his, who compromises your feelings and closure and comprehension of ridiculous situations that wouldn't even have come up if you hadn't let yourself become vulnerable.
love ends up hurting you even more. makes you bitter about anything else out there in the world. it fucks up your hopes and beliefs, your dreams and an imagined future smashed to bits over and over again- but love will let you repair it with two hours of stolen bliss. it doesn't occur to you that your bliss has always been stolen, begged for, achieved - never given to you, never ever for you to take for granted - it has never been yours. stolen because you have always been a taboo, u were never allowed to be in his life the way you long to be. and even when you thought u had worked your way inside, you just realize there are some things that he doesn't make worth fighting for anymore.
im so fucking sick and tired of your dismissals, your insensitive accusations, your lack of acknowledgment of what EXACTLY i need from you.
but i doubt you give a shit. you just need to sleep, you need to distance yourself from me, you need to move away, you need to do everything on your own terms, you need to not factor me in your life in any real way - you keep me on the outskirts, telling me of false possibilities, promises that you would treat me differently, better.
its been years.
i wish i had never given you the power to persistently break my heart and mend it again to walk over all over it the next day.
and you have no clue about what the pain does to me. it shrinks my version and mind, it dims the world, i completely lose my sense of self.
what am i going to do for the next 5 years? how can you have barged into my life 4 years ago repeatedly telling me you want to spend the rest of your life with me and still dangle me at such a distance.
i wish i never met you.