free

Free love
whomever you love
let them be free
free to be themselves
free to go
to fufill their
personal destiny
free to experiment
free to change
free to make mistakes
free to love others
free to be real
free to be
as you are
free.

-debora chopra-

hmms.. just came back from a family dinner for my 18th birthday at this buffet place on woodbine.. where i placed sushi and rice krispies on the same plate.. and poked dawne whenever she said something stupid.. like "you can't spell slaughther without laughther.. MUhaHHAha.." er, ok dawne.. haha.. u know the usual. somethings will never change.

well ok, its the 21st of august and im 18... officially old. an adult with responsibilities and a resonably mature perception of the world. yeah RIghT.

birthdays were never exactly my favourite... except the celebrations and the pressies lavishly showered upon me.. especially by mt parents... and of course.. my dear friends,who bought gifts thoughtfully and are greatly appreciated. i still have all of those presents tucked away in the blue ikea box sitting on my cupboard thingy, gathering dust.. but not forgotten.

after each year, i feel the obligation to grow up.. ...out of the days when i would drag out the old blue bicycle out of the broom closet and ride it around the apartment in my tiny dresses that barely covered my bottom and not care about anything in the world.. and then gleefully tromp around the neighbourhood kicking boys in the shins and making them cry.. and out of standing quietly amongst my mother's clothes in the cupboard listening to the tinkling music boxes after winding the key at the back, enveloped by the perfume she always wears (even today) with pearls around my neck and heels too huge for my miniature purl feet when she's at work...to dressing in my own "pearls", pink heels my own size.. as i listen to "in those jeans" on my own stereo before spritzing my own "paradise" perfume kept in my own closet that smells of a mix of strawberries and the differnt scents i use before tottering out to meet boys that make me cry... not by kicking me in the shins of course.

ah, the joy and hurt of love with boys. something i only discovered quite recently.. perhaps about 2 years ago.. and learnt so much on the way. i loved so hard. and hated soo ardently.. i cried, sobbed, lied, laughed, smiled.. my face lit up with a special kind of contentness and happiness that makes everything else melt away.. i frowned.. confused, i yelled, i talked.. and talked.. i got let down.. i let people down.. and i learnt to let go.. and am perhaps a closer step to learning forgiveness... i also learnt the power of an embrace.. its warmth.. its type of intoxication along with a kiss.. a word so simple but means so much, a light touch of the hand.. so much.. and yes, passion. the one thing i think i will always be on the exploring curve of.. indeed i have moved along somewhat.. but im pretty sure i have a long way to go..

for many years i have struggled with my body.. especially since the evident arrival or puberty i always dreaded and still hate now.. my appearance.. how it would fit into my environment.. into expectations. especially my own. and i have yet to come to peace with it.. till now.. many days i stare at my reflection with such a hatred i dont know if many would understand.. everyone around me seemed happy enough. i know it shouldnt matter.. but it does distract me often.. my self consciousness always a stubborn road block that refuses to budge during my interaction with people. i always believed that you can do anything as long as you are beautiful.. or if u did things beautifully -i never thought i am beautiful enough.

also, i discovered my love for literature! yeah, it may be dry to many.. but for me.. its a love/hate relationship. its magic lures me.. makes me devour pages looking for things i relate to.. for beauty.. another world except mine. yet i hate it.. the words sometimes swim before me.. draining my energy.. filling me with such boredom and depression that i am not doing sometihng exciting as i should be doing. how much am i really missing just lying in my bed facing words that meant nothing in a few seconds?

friends. the people who make my existence the least bit worth while.. people you talk to.. relate to.. to SHARE with.. to learn from.. and teach. i love my friends dearly... my appreciation of them soaring sky high after i moved to canada. over the many years.. from "yodelling" in playgrounds and dishing juicy gossip with my best gal pal during girly sleepovers.. and then being called the most repulsive and degrading names for the dumbest mistake.. i realise i would never be able to love so many people.. with things like betrayal and painful differences around.. it is impossible. so i learnt to pick the few that mattered the most to me.. those that i cradled in my heart.. and pray i would never forget them. and they me.

still i want to make more friends.. meet more people.. explore everything.. conquer the world... something that i thought i could somehow accomplish.. until i moved here. it is not the worse thing that happened to me im sure. and in fact it IS for the best. but it did have an adverse effect on me.. i have become somesort withdrawn.. you know, that quiet little chinese girl in the background? the one who never speaks? yeah thats me. but thats alright i guess. im getting used to it.

on the other hand.. i learnt things i never knew about myself.. and in someways i was "allowed" to be more "myself".. perhaps in the things i talk and think about? the people i like to talk to? i duuno exactly.. but its fine.. i have homesick spasms that bring me to tears.. but thats alright.. there are people here who are making up for that little gap... i will feel better soon :)

its funny how i feel so old right now.. and suffering from a werid moodswing.. which doesnt include blogging.. ohwells.. its also funny how i always thought i would be celebrating my 18th birthday.. (one step closer to booze, sex, drugs and rock and roll apparently).. with a huge bang.. but im just sitting here after blowing some candles on an economic store bought cake... i dont even want anything much.. the car was nice.. the dinner was nice.. and nothing has changed thatttt much.. im still childish.. ignorant and stupid.. im still so shy around people i love.. im still so many things.. and wear powerpuff girl socks.. but all im asking for right now is someone to hold me.

happy birthday to me, i guess.

i love it when people use the word "unwrap you" or anything like that in poems or whatever artsy fartsy stuff.. makes me tingle.. hahaa.. oh wellIes.. a lot of things make me tingle.. hahaa.. like....brainfreeze :p

So Just Kiss Me- poem by jewel

So just just kiss me and let my hair
messy itself in your fingers

tell me nothing needs to be done-
no clocks need winding

there is no bell without a voice
needing to borrow my own

instead, let me steady myself
in the arms

of a man who won;t ask me to be
what he needs, but let me exist

as i am

a blonde flame
a burricane

wrapped up
in a tiny body

that will come to his arms
like the safest harbour

for mending

i *heart* this poem SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!! sOOOO pretty words!! *cuddles* hehe.. if anyone writes something like that for me i will shriek and go crazy.. haha.. i might buy this jewel book. i can relate to her poems.. robert frost and walt wiltman is kinda goood.. but isnt modern enough to make me react immediately.. and sometimes it just makes me sleep.. hahaa.. had a niceeeeeeee day today.. walk to the library and walking around for like 6 hours!! refreshing.. i needed that. and the weather is pretty too.. and even better that its dark and rainy.. for me to read pretty poetry.. *contented sigh* i love jewel. :) maybe i get to publish a book like that too.. haha.. IF i do learn to write pretty poetry.. dododoo...

Bleary eyed.. SOO romantic..

Bleary eyed
and sleepy still
i unwrapped you
of the morning
like careful fruit
with forbidden flesh
made sweeter by the scorning

My hands still shaky
from kisses sweet
and the dark hours
of night's embrace
i checked to see
if fastened vines
my heart had left
in silv'ry trace

While you slept
i looked inside your chest
to see what there
was growing
i saw my heart
with quiet eyes
to your side it self
was gently sewing

i saw my heart
with quiet eyes
to your side it self
was gently sewing

The Bony Ribs of Adam.. i like this alot too.. so sad

I left the bony ribs of Adam
for the fruit
of my own personal desire

Its scent still heavy
upon my flesh
my absence still
thorn
to his side

But now how my belly
holllows and aches
craving seed
carving kisses
ut outside the road hisses

and i find myself
packing girlishness
in an old leather bag

love stepping lightly
away from the door

freeze these eyes
burn these tears.
turn these hands into stone, this body into clay.
malleable. but cold -
unfeeling.
yet
suspend this heart in a teardrop -
remove these emotions.
confusion, longing, jealousy, hurt, desire.
bleed me of this sheer excess - absintine blood -
break these wings. lock this cage. fasten those shackles -
for i miss you.

-purl-

"Flannery took that as her yes. It was her thumb she moved across Anne’s mouth then. Slowly. Following the curve of her lips up to that sweet peak, and back down the gentle slope of the other side. Flannery know that she knew this mouth already, had lived with its shape and its sounds in her imagination, but she had not felt it. Her blunt thumb made this intimate acquaintance.
“You have the most beautiful mouth,” Flannery said to Anne.
And then did what she had been wanting to do her entire life.
She kissed her. " - pages of you , i forgot the writer

this book is about lesbian lovers.. but wow.. its one of the first books that introduced me to the quiet relationship between words and the sensuality of the body... hmms i should read the book again.this is just one of the few passages i like....

hmmms what a lack of life.. here i am blogging every couple of hours coz i got nothing else to do.. sighs... oh wells.. i have a strong feeling the books i borrowed today suck.. they SEEMED promising...

i have a birthday resolution. read REAL poetry and learn to understand it.. haha.. so much "fun" eh.. meh u all.. im interested.. ahha..

ok lets see what i should do tomorrow....
1. sleeep as long as i can and still probably wake up at 10:15 lastest.. darns
2. read??
3. get my defective eyes checked
4. go to ikea
5. buy jeans and that shirt.. woaH.. such a different style from purl style.. but its cool..
6. start hunt for dolly outerjacket.. i plan to dress up dollish for the winter.. JUSt becaUSe~
7. be bored

mehhHHH i got nothing to do!!! not fair! and my parents are liars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so much for saying they are gonna buy a car for me.. suCH LIES! i hate it when they lie and do it sO often.. holy crap.. meh.. wheres my mATrIx?? *sObs* now my mom is bringing me around places and saying shes gonna get this hiundai suv type car and tell me i dont get to drive it and shes gonna choose any colour she wants anyway.. URGH.. I could have easily thrown a punch if it wasnt my mom.. she always does that.. make me look at stuff and tell me to swallow the fact that i have nothing on the decision ANyWaY. just liek this crappy house she bought.. wow i can still remember the rage when she first told me she bought this piece of crap.. but whatever. i tell myself im born to be rich.. even though i wasnt born rich :D not funny but ok

hMmmssss im a spanish lover again.. as in i like spanish.. haha.. nothing else.. just the language.. and started to download spanish songs again.. even though they are pop songs.. haha... im sure HY remembers me singing "This i promise you" in spanish!! hahaa... "Si siente un frio tu corazon..." gonna download all the spanish versions of those ballads.. haha.. im such a loser.. dodooooo.. i love spanish!!

ok well i guess im not going to universty. im society's reject products. soon im gonna get kicked out of highschool for being 45 and too old to do grade 12 all over again. and my parents are gonna abandon me by chasing me out of the house with their walking sticks because im getting too old to live with them. and no one is gonna wnat to marry a ugly and stupid chinese girl.

im soO jealous jealous jealous dododo.. meh

just got back from walmart with my parents.. im actually taller than my mom!!! hmms or maybe im just dreaming? or did someone sprinkle some magic on me and made me grow the last year? hahah.. meh. im condemmed to be short and stubby for life. i saw ashwin was i was conscientiously picking out the perfect saline solution for my depleting supply of contact lenses. we greeted each other with alarmed expressions and a loud and long "HeyYyyYyy" before we immediately dropped out gaze to walk back to our parents.. my bottle of 360ml solution in my hand. and then i had to stand there and daydream and pretend to be most interested with hairdryers (even though i need one.. but i was tired) as my mom picked one out. CONAIR was the winner. box and solution in hand.. i trailed after my mom like a slave as she wandered around and then dumped stuff into my arms. and i bought fruit flavoured lip balm.. for some reason i lost ALL of my stupid lipbalms.. my bodyshop ones and even those neutrogena ones.. who cares about my lips.. im just gonnna buy cnady smelling ones that arent expensive. ok whYY am i talking aout the trip to walmart????

whole family is downstairs watching "alien" on tv this very moment as i sit here contently rambling about nothing really with christmas carols playing on my stereo. how lovely.

ah hah! my room is the cleanest it has been in a couple of weeks. at least the carpet is not layered by its usual thick protective covering comprising clean clothes, dirty clothes, ripped clothes( thanks to my "creative side"), crumpled clothes, paper bags, socks, paper.. and stuff. yes, stuff. other than a couple of books and pens on my bed.. and the usual mat and exercise ball.. and yea.. my fan and a bag and.. a sweater.... my things are in its "right" places. hmms.

am i talking too much?? i think i am. but what the heck. its my blog innit?

i have a random urge to start swearing and complaining -typical - about my life again. WHY IS IT THAT IM BORED AND WOOZY HALF THE TIME? sigH.. perhaps i REALLY should get a job.. at least i would be too grumpy and pissed off and tired to complain and blog too much. gawd im so friggin tired of everything.. why dont god make an exception for me and let me hibernate until i want to face the world again?

hmms.. why do i dislike chinese people so much? well i dont dislike them.. but im kinda biased against MY own people. and yet i get mad when people are not proud of their own heritage.. what a contradiction. its okay i think im improving.

hmms i dont look 17 really??? ohohs.. hahaa.. meh it all.. H told me i look grade 10!! 14 years old-ish!! wah.. in teenage years.. 3 years is a hell lot of difference.. so when im 40.. i can lie im 30.. hahaa.. and trick little 28 year old boys.. hahaa.. jokes

anyone interested in my life's dream?? guess not. but whatever..
ok.. i want to be a pretigious journalist - a young, sophisticated and intelligent woman (HAHA)who during her years in university wasted no time and established connections with numerous career type persons, and who afterwards cleverly used these connections to invest in thriving businesses and.. stuff. haha. slowly, my finances would grow rapidly, adding the word "wealthy" in the above discription. and as it grows i would create a chain of classy cafes... in which everything is bought from MY line of furniture and magazines and books. and of course, clothes for my LAWyers. haaha.. its ok.. u wont laugh. an inside joke. and everyda i would be wearig my gucci business power suits and walk around my posh office in jimmychoo shoes waiting for my team of designers(they are gonna be sharply dressed too) to impress me. HAHA.. and mAYbe, occasioally i would borrow the lawyers next door ;) hahaa.. ok another insdie joke. but of course.. i get to design too.. except they hve to do what i say.. and im allowed to reject whatever they do say. lol.. haha.. and of course, dawne, my dearest little sister.. would be my "personal assistant" who does anything. hahaa.. and.. with all my stuff.. 7% of all the profit will go to africa.. and countries like haiti of course.. how can i forget. (another stupid inside joke with fasial in summa school) and im gonna save the world. haha. RIGHT.

ok fine. i should stop.. im really showing everyone the lack of life i have. tatas now.. i might even come back later tonight when compainionship eludes me and im left alllllllllll on my lonesome. again.

you wait for me.. i wait for you.. we are all waiting for something. but why does it feel like punishment, a constant longing, an ache?

take this ragged heart and bury it for compost. i shall be cold and hard. impregnable. my tears are but pearls. opaque.
your burning fingertips on my icy cheeks will not melt me.

for some reason i am so angry. i want to tear my room apart. rip paper into dust. scratch the paint off the walls.

you dont understand my rage. you dont understand how hard it is for me to swallow my anger, my urges to peel off my own skin, to scream. you will never understand how physical these emotions become, how i can throw you vehement glares, dripping with venom and distrust as you reach for my cold shoulder. you dont believe me when i speak of violence or self multiltion, trusting logic and common sense had just eluded me for one fleeting second and i was merely rambling, speaking of things too far fetched and simply ridiculous to be true. u think that tiny burning cold jewel of broiling infuriation, irritation, icy harshness is non existent. i hate you i hate you i hate you.

i hate myself.

differences - ginuwine
My whole life has changed
Since you came in, I knew back then
You were that special one
I'm so in love, so deep in love

You make my love complete
You are so sweet, no one competes
Glad you came into my life
You blind me with your love, with you I have no sight

Girl, you open me, I'm wide open
And I'm doing things I never do
But I feel so good, I feel so good
Why it takes so long for me finding you

This is my story and I'm telling you
It's not fiction, it's surely a fact
Without you right here having my back
I really don't know just where I'd be at

My whole life has changed (My whole life has changed)
Since you came in, I knew back then (Ooh...oh...)
You were that special one (You were that)
I'm so in love, so deep in love

You make my love complete (You make, make my love
complete)
You are so sweet (Oh, oh), no one competes
Glad you came into my life (Ooh...)
You blind me with your love, with you I have no sight

I analyzed myself, I was buck wild
Never thought about settling down
But all the time I knew I was ready
But not with all my friends around

But girl, I put you first now (I put you first now)
You made me, helped mold me (Helped mold me, baby)
Turned me into a man, I'm so responsible
And I owe it all to you

My whole life has changed (My whole life has changed)
Since you came in, I knew back then (Oh, oh)
You were that special one (You were that special one)
I'm so in love, so deep in love (Oh, oh, oh....)

You make my love complete (You make my love complete)
You are so sweet, no one competes
Glad you came into my life (So glad you came in)
You blind me with your love (Blind me, baby), with you
I have no sight

{God has blessed me} God has blessed me, baby
Girl, He was good to me when He sent you
{I'm so happy, baby}
I'm so happy, I'm so happy, baby, oh, yes, baby
{Share my world} Come and share my world, baby,
oh...whoa...yeah. yeah
{I'm so in love} I'm so in love
I'm addicted to your love, baby, yeah...