hmms.. just came back from a family dinner for my 18th birthday at this buffet place on woodbine.. where i placed sushi and rice krispies on the same plate.. and poked dawne whenever she said something stupid.. like "you can't spell slaughther without laughther.. MUhaHHAha.." er, ok dawne.. haha.. u know the usual. somethings will never change.

well ok, its the 21st of august and im 18... officially old. an adult with responsibilities and a resonably mature perception of the world. yeah RIghT.

birthdays were never exactly my favourite... except the celebrations and the pressies lavishly showered upon me.. especially by mt parents... and of course.. my dear friends,who bought gifts thoughtfully and are greatly appreciated. i still have all of those presents tucked away in the blue ikea box sitting on my cupboard thingy, gathering dust.. but not forgotten.

after each year, i feel the obligation to grow up.. ...out of the days when i would drag out the old blue bicycle out of the broom closet and ride it around the apartment in my tiny dresses that barely covered my bottom and not care about anything in the world.. and then gleefully tromp around the neighbourhood kicking boys in the shins and making them cry.. and out of standing quietly amongst my mother's clothes in the cupboard listening to the tinkling music boxes after winding the key at the back, enveloped by the perfume she always wears (even today) with pearls around my neck and heels too huge for my miniature purl feet when she's at work...to dressing in my own "pearls", pink heels my own size.. as i listen to "in those jeans" on my own stereo before spritzing my own "paradise" perfume kept in my own closet that smells of a mix of strawberries and the differnt scents i use before tottering out to meet boys that make me cry... not by kicking me in the shins of course.

ah, the joy and hurt of love with boys. something i only discovered quite recently.. perhaps about 2 years ago.. and learnt so much on the way. i loved so hard. and hated soo ardently.. i cried, sobbed, lied, laughed, smiled.. my face lit up with a special kind of contentness and happiness that makes everything else melt away.. i frowned.. confused, i yelled, i talked.. and talked.. i got let down.. i let people down.. and i learnt to let go.. and am perhaps a closer step to learning forgiveness... i also learnt the power of an embrace.. its warmth.. its type of intoxication along with a kiss.. a word so simple but means so much, a light touch of the hand.. so much.. and yes, passion. the one thing i think i will always be on the exploring curve of.. indeed i have moved along somewhat.. but im pretty sure i have a long way to go..

for many years i have struggled with my body.. especially since the evident arrival or puberty i always dreaded and still hate now.. my appearance.. how it would fit into my environment.. into expectations. especially my own. and i have yet to come to peace with it.. till now.. many days i stare at my reflection with such a hatred i dont know if many would understand.. everyone around me seemed happy enough. i know it shouldnt matter.. but it does distract me often.. my self consciousness always a stubborn road block that refuses to budge during my interaction with people. i always believed that you can do anything as long as you are beautiful.. or if u did things beautifully -i never thought i am beautiful enough.

also, i discovered my love for literature! yeah, it may be dry to many.. but for me.. its a love/hate relationship. its magic lures me.. makes me devour pages looking for things i relate to.. for beauty.. another world except mine. yet i hate it.. the words sometimes swim before me.. draining my energy.. filling me with such boredom and depression that i am not doing sometihng exciting as i should be doing. how much am i really missing just lying in my bed facing words that meant nothing in a few seconds?

friends. the people who make my existence the least bit worth while.. people you talk to.. relate to.. to SHARE with.. to learn from.. and teach. i love my friends dearly... my appreciation of them soaring sky high after i moved to canada. over the many years.. from "yodelling" in playgrounds and dishing juicy gossip with my best gal pal during girly sleepovers.. and then being called the most repulsive and degrading names for the dumbest mistake.. i realise i would never be able to love so many people.. with things like betrayal and painful differences around.. it is impossible. so i learnt to pick the few that mattered the most to me.. those that i cradled in my heart.. and pray i would never forget them. and they me.

still i want to make more friends.. meet more people.. explore everything.. conquer the world... something that i thought i could somehow accomplish.. until i moved here. it is not the worse thing that happened to me im sure. and in fact it IS for the best. but it did have an adverse effect on me.. i have become somesort withdrawn.. you know, that quiet little chinese girl in the background? the one who never speaks? yeah thats me. but thats alright i guess. im getting used to it.

on the other hand.. i learnt things i never knew about myself.. and in someways i was "allowed" to be more "myself".. perhaps in the things i talk and think about? the people i like to talk to? i duuno exactly.. but its fine.. i have homesick spasms that bring me to tears.. but thats alright.. there are people here who are making up for that little gap... i will feel better soon :)

its funny how i feel so old right now.. and suffering from a werid moodswing.. which doesnt include blogging.. ohwells.. its also funny how i always thought i would be celebrating my 18th birthday.. (one step closer to booze, sex, drugs and rock and roll apparently).. with a huge bang.. but im just sitting here after blowing some candles on an economic store bought cake... i dont even want anything much.. the car was nice.. the dinner was nice.. and nothing has changed thatttt much.. im still childish.. ignorant and stupid.. im still so shy around people i love.. im still so many things.. and wear powerpuff girl socks.. but all im asking for right now is someone to hold me.

happy birthday to me, i guess.