"I do not exist except in you" - thomas *something*


i don't know.

too much emotional tv shows on today!!! its bad for my health.. i had to stop myself from bursting into tears twice today. TWICE!!! because of that damm oprah episode and missy elliot thingy. erghies wurghies.. REAL TEARS TOO!! STUPID TV I HATE YOU TV I DO NOT NEED EXTRA EMOTIONS. I DONT WANT TO FEEL SAD FOR PEOPLE. :(

aww saw Sana today.. after a whole year!!! she looks taller.. lols.. not that she needs to be.. just as nice as ever!! we talked for about an hourrr.. updating each other on stuff.. and university.. and stuff.. she spent 1000 POUNDS ON CLOTHING AND HUNDREDS PAIRS OF SHOES!! lol and she said i watch too much tv and its frying my self-esteem and shes gonna personally come to my house to beat the tube up with a sledgehammer and that ppl on tv get airbrushed and bronzed and surgerized to look that way. (but she saw this singaporean guy on this tv show once and said she wants me to take her there if everyone looks like that. haha) loools! like i dont know. but its all good.. we agree on one thing : ANGELINA JOLIE IS THE PERFECT WOMAN. PERRRRRFECT in every context. brains, face, body and heart. we both tolerate the bad movies just to stare at her. :) yes guys, im a little queer. i stare at angelina jolie. nono, not chad hugo or pierce brosnan(apparently they are good according to *ahem* someone. *rollseyes* ahha). verrrrry few guys get stared at by me in a good way. last time i did was today - at hammy. and the 2nd last person i can remember staring at is that guy at chomp chomp.. HY REMEMBER??!! WHAT A JOKKKEE!!

i think i got a toothache for some damm reason. i never have tooth aches. OHOH WORMS IN MY TEETH. shall go to dentist on friday. or whenever i go to sch. *swears*

arrrrrr body hurts :( havent been to the gym in a wholllleee weeek.. went today and did weight training.. felt like a huge fat pig. but for some reason i swear my bum got different or something. it just changed! maybe its in my head. maybe its the walking.. i dont want a smaller ass!! i just wanted it perky.. looks good in tight jeans :) but i dont :(

hey, i tihnk im getting over the anorexic skinny phase of mine. everyone can be gorgeous. (pssttt.. maybe coz im getting fat)

i was thinking about my english course(major authors one) this morning.. about how i used to sit in the lecture hall, feeling embarassed for my prof for being such a "fruit".. talking about the "soul", "love", blah blah blah in literature... until i realised everyone else there was soaking it in, leaning towards his words, relating, understanding, empathetic. .. then i i became one of them. i sorta decided im tired of being so hard headed and let loose abit. complicated emotions... regardless of sappiness and *irrationality* are the things that make humans people. im sorta tired of living the whole *logic/science* dominated life. maybe, i thought, this is the reason for my growing interest in literature. its like an outlet.. i repress it in real life.. i absorb everything else in ppl's words. so many things to say about this really.. and to think about.. i learnt so much in the past year.. my whole life has changed. I LOVE UNIVERSITY. and thank heavens(i say it now.. not before), i moved here. :) so much more to see and think abt!

: RED
who dya love?
hammy. and my imaginary hamster

name some of your things that are red
hoodie, lipgloss, imaginary wrangler

red symbolizes anger. do you have an irish temper?
lol i dunno what an irish temper is like

red is the color of blood, too. what is your bloodtype?
A+

ORANGE
orange reminds you of:
elephants and nail polish

orange is bright. are you bright?
naw, im dim as hell

name some orange things:
my orange flavoured chapstick, the picture of that bar of soap on my wall, lines on my diary

do you know anyone who has dyed their hair orange?
yea i had orange hair before :)

YELLOW reminds you of:
bumble bees and cars

yellow is a warning color. dya fear anything right now?
many many tihngs

name some yellow things:
the bottoms of my sleepy slippers, the fluffy things on my mittins and scarf.. the yellow dress i made into a shirt

yellow also symbolizes happiness. are you happy?
half half. happy about somethings, stressed about others.

GREEN
green reminds you of:
EVERYTHING! i love green! it reminds me of satin and silk.

green means 'go'. why is that?
heck, coz its inviting?

name some green things:
my moisturisor bottle, my diary, my walls, that dress from holt renfrew..

BLUE
blue reminds you of:
cliche time - the sky

blue symbolizes sadness: are you sad?
right now.. not really.

is blue your favorite color?
i like every colour.. but no, blues not my favourite

name some blue things:
my soft sofffft scarf, my underwear, my starry pjs, hammy's cushions

do you know why the ocean is blue?
its not blue u dumbass. hahaa its a light thing.. dontknow the details

VIOLET/PURPLE.
purple reminds you of:
violets and that flower store in citylink

purple is often called a 'weird' color. Are you weird?
yeah im weird

name some purple things:
my *ahem* pretty purple shirt, flowers, one of my lovecrazed octopuses i drew and coloured

have you ever met someone with purple hair?
yeah.. i like. black purple though

PINK
pink reminds you of:
okok im fruity. roses :(

is pink the most feminine color?
bah no. unless u are sexist and weird. its embedded into society as a sissy colour. and only sissies believe so.

name some pink things:
my anti-intellectual/academic piggy pencil case, my ae dress, the babygrl's lips(the girl i saw at starbucks)

OTHER
what is your favorite color or colors?
red, white, black, green

why?
mmm dont know.. ahhahaa cant think right now

black, or white?
black black black... unless my mood begs to differ :)

gold or silver?
mmm diamonds. plentiums. purple gold is pretty. silver is good for casual and warding off vampires, according to myths.

what colour does your life represent currently?
i duunoo.. its like an cross inky colour between purple and white.. like spilt paint that is dribbling across a whitish/greyish/sorta reflective surface. lols im insane

its almost been two hours and sleep, once again, refuses to descend.

All i can think of is you.

"I am a continent of ics, drawne and quartered by longtitudes and latitudes, floating my islands - fingers, penis, toes and testicles - and if i draw myself into a ball, i am the very model of earth itself....
He smiled. what a pity , he thought, that i have sunk so low. Waisted by the Equator, indeed! Divded by the Tropics. Drawn and quartered by longtitudes and latitudes... Am i Dante Gabriel Rossetti? I pray not! Have i also lilies in my hand and stars in my hair?" - pilgrim, Timothy Findley

its nothing, nothing, nothing.
shrinking violets shrink.
i will too -
sealed lips, shruken hearts
will sweep up
the space you left behind.
i miss you -
even when you are two feet away from me.

one can only swallow the gaps between the words that float by blind ears.
black, brown and blue -
the swirl of colours and the smell of caffine that diffuses into my skin in silence.

Why,
how come after it all,
you don't even tell me you still love -
me?

whispers of
nothing, nothing, nothing.

-pearle-

yes, im crying over nothing.

if you could only see

indeed, daryl. this is brilliant. i feel exactly like that.

"The past beckons to me but I heed not its call,
Sullen pain hidden behind its alluring doors.
Bittersweet is her sting, for joy and pain abound,
Moving with the pendulum’s swing, the maiden cultivates her halls.
The sister is no lesser mistress, impatience found,
Mercurial and dangerous, her rewards entice.
Choice is none, save be swept in her wake.
Look to her and grasp your fate, no one can deny
deny her siren’s song." (daryl,2005)

this is about Noah and the great flood: Not wanted on the Voyage, Timothy findley

"Everyone knows it wasn’t like that.

To begin with, they make it sound as if here wasn’t any argument; as if there wasn’t any panic - no one being pushed aside -noone being trampled -none of the animals howling – none of the people screaming blue murder. They make it sound as if the only people who wanted to get on board were Doctor Noyes and his family. Presumably, everyone else (the rest of the human race, so to speak) stood off waving gaily, behind a distant barricade...... they also make it sound as if there wasn’t any dread – Noah and his sons relaxed on the poop deck, sipping port and smoking cigars beneath a blue and white striped awning – probably wearing yachting caps, white ducks and blazers. Mrs Noyes and her daughters in love fluttering up the gangplank – neat and tidy – dry beneath their umbrellas – turning and calling; “goodbye, everybody!” and all their friends shouting ; “bon voyage!” while the daughters in law hand over their tickets, smiling and laughing – everyone being piped abroard and a band playing Rule Britannia and Over the Sea to Skye. Flags and banners and a booming cannon… like an excursion.

Well. It wasn’t an excursion. It was the end of the world. "

u know whats sorta pathetic..? i still cant call hammad's home without feeling bad. ha. sigh. dododoo...

mmm i shall bring my resume around tomorrow... chapters, garage, JACOB!(lol the one at markville though.. now i have no excuse not responding to their calls).. and i already applied for swatch and steward publishing thingamagig. i wonder if those survey thingys are trustable.. lol. its 40 dollars for a damm survey! i would do 100!

other than two pimples on my stupid forehead my complexion seems to get better lately.. Hmm maybe its the mediocre weather.. good fer moi. well tat bloody thingon my face is going away too anyways.. yay.

another of my old favourite songs:
Plush: stone temple pilots

And I feel that time’s a wasted go
So where ya going to tommorrow?
And I see that these are lies to come
Would you even care?

And I feel it

Where ya going for tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

And I feel, so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?
And I see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?

And I feel it
And she feels it

When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
....
how come its so hard to find songs like that anymore...? even third eye blind disappoints me. mmm. i wish my computor had sound.

two things to ban me from:
1. magazines and sad songs and shopping and self-beating-up and feeling fat because i am fat. yes, but i should not feel fat even if i am.
2. food :)

seriously though, i got nothing at all against the pope. i SWEAR! hes koo. speaks 11 langauages! strong guy with firm opinions too. *light pat on back* if that fly at angus glen dies by today and i feel better by tomorrow for some weird reason, God does listen eh.

i still stand by what i said abt religion making life(in general.. not specifically) easier... emotionally/mentally anyways. few contradicts and almost no "outlandishness" are given room in the brain. it always gives people outlines by which they should live their life. ok, i must not have sex until marriage. ok, i must always be selfless. i will only associate with_______. i will marry a ______. i will do ______. i will ______. my life will be _____ to dictate. ye know what i mean? its so good! forget restrictions.. if u are truly devoted, they arent restrictions no more, they are merely routes u shouldnt be taking to get to heaven.. or nirvana, etc. maybe i should just join the anorexics club.. i will acheive nirvana in no time... by dying.

sigh, someone bring back the greek myths and heroes..i would gladly take the time to convince myself aphrodite emerged from the black sea and phosphorence made flowers bloom wherever her feet touched. the world sprouting from warring divine gods. i love the thought of flawed gods and goddesses, the human like, racked by jealousy and pains like us. not so transcendent and intangible... the one unreachable ideal sought after by swarming masses.

fuggin' hell. vanishing_lost_soul should get a attitude check. flippin' jesus. it makes me angry sometimes.