ok.. the anti-tod blog as promised...

"ARghs! who is a self proclaimed hard marker who says my paper is well written and gives a 67%!!!?? thats anNoooOoyyyinggggg.... and he gave me a whole explanation about how dr gittins wants to keep the mark between 60 - 70% just so york isnt known for handing out As and Bs all the time.. ArGhies! and then he gones on and on telling me to be confident and that it isnt that crazy hard to get into post grad~~ OF COURSE IT IS HARD AND I WANT TO DO POST GRAD!! i probably be disowned if i dont anyways.. he did his masters with a 74% average........... 0_o (lols)ARRRGHHHHH~! im gonna drop out of university.. after failing my stupid bible course.. adn my essay for literary theory...... i will have to slit my own throat..arghiess.. seriously.. maybe im just stupid... dammits.

sighss.. Very Irresistable by Givenchy is irresistable indeed.. what a yummy smell.. i want it!! :( but im soOOOOO broke.. with like 5 dollars and some change to my name probably.. i even got my dad to return the matching him and hers alfred sung set coz i felt guilty.. *sobs* and i want those earrings.. and.. and.. damm it all! how come my parents arent billionares?!!! hahaa.. nawws.. im already glad they actaulyl got this far and raised a moneycrazed monkey like me even without even a uni degree between them.. heck, my mom only has her O'levels!

im the perfect consumer.. my attention is so easily grabbed with perfect advertising and marketing.. i would just buy something just because the people did such a good job.. hahaa.. hopefully there will be more people like me IF i ever get a job like that.. har har har

i, the amazingly lazy twearpish RoBuSt(haaa) reTaRded useless pearle law, needs a job. (haha.. my brother was complaining about this book that does this [unneccesarrily longgg describtions]repeatedly after every few lines.. forgot the title.. i hate being so tired.. everything floats by me.. )

im gonna do craaazZzAazY~ i get so confused with the whole bible thing :( and my essay!! OH GAWD!!

things to buy :
1. green highlighter
2. ribbons (a bit of every colour)
3. buttons (just 5 of em')
4. paint (maybe next time... :( )
5. those cutely fake chanel earrings that already cost 25 for crap plastic and sparkles(grrs)
6. short cardigan in a BrIght colour
7. coat
8. Very irresistable .. of course i dont need it.. its just my inner girl who wants to feel glamourous
9. underwear

oh the things i think about.. i should be shot.

yeah and i decided to call myself "robust" as a synonym for FAT.. lols! so much fo being positive

oh god.. i cant tihnk..will probably dream about the bible and moses beating me with a stick for getting so confused.. im in such a dazeeee... will go to sleep as soon as i get my stuff from hammy.. will study at school tomorrow.. *stabs self with gleaming knife*

spending too much time with parents can be really taxing.... *tired*.. hahaa..

I SHALL STUDY! yes....... *rollseyes* i think i have to be locked up and beaten before i actually really study.. sighs

i have decided to ditch the super casual loook(unless of course im tired or for last minute reasons)..im gonna be chic and preppy.. yayyy.. tomorrow's shopping will help.. i sorta know what i wantt... but i dont want to look like everyone else either.. hmms..oh wells

sigh im cold..

headache..

maybe i should take a nap.. and wake at 11 to do my tutorial for monday... :D

was reading about childhood amnesia and primitive people for one of my classes.. and somehow the collision of sensuality and sexuality of a person stands out for me. in my reading of childhood amnesia by schachtel.. it talks of the alienation of the sense of taste, smell and touch as we grow older and gradually pick learn the schemata of the adult society.. which is language, rules, etc. and we, as civilised and highly hygenic people, rely on sight and hearing to gain experience due to the lack of proximity of people, things, etc. it talks about the "conventionalization of experience" as we are slowly moudled into the structure of our specific society... which means that in order to remember an eXpErience.. we HAve to use language and rationalization.. which tends to shape our thoughts and feelings according to the words and logic.. and makes it cliche and doesnt do exact justice to the feelings and the essence of the experience itself.Then there is the temptation of the word.. which im not gonna even talk about. haha..

and the article about primitive people talks about how the notion of romantic love only developed in the western societies due to the lack of promixity to the peple around them.. and that we are basically subconsciously intamacy-starved people who have that huge gaping hole in our lives until we find THE ONE. all this makes mt think of the concept of a chid/person/adult's desire to "return to the mother's womb" where is is kept safe and closest to another u can get.. and how people use sex as a substituition.

and then there is sensuality.. which to me is the engagement all of a body's senses.. the smell of rain, the taste of wine, the touch of silk. WHICH i think is what brings a person the greatest intamacy with his/her surroundings... but how the heck can one really remember it without distorting the REAL feelings involved with languge? but how can u lick a table like a child and think its ok anymore? how do u chew on a battery with all innocence and truly experience anything the way a child does anymore? this means we basically everything is distant to us.. only for us to utilize and get things done.. and live life with. THIS, i think is the reason why WE make such a big thing out of sex.

romance, rose petals, poetry.. we dedicate so much to love.. we argue relentlessly about its real definition... some say is simply caring for someone with upmost purity.. then say a love doesnt work without passion. what IS passion? the burning touch of a lover? a smoothering kiss? happy humping? what? why do we put in so much emphasis on it? yeah.. coz it feels so good.. and.... what then? is that gap in our souls so prominent we would do anything to fill it? why does it feel so good on so many levels to us?

and then some people say its the greatest bond between two people.. the highest form of intamacy. i say they say this because these are rare moments(compared to all the time u use to do other stuff.. durH) that we are truly sensous beings again. poets, writers, aNYone interested devotes a charge vocabulary to "passion" itself. the rawness of touch, the barest of the bare, the taste of lips.. yet with this vocabulary we can ahrdly express ourselves.. we try anything. we talk, we sing, we kill... we do ANything to be in touch with ourselves DEEP inside. INSIDE. we are civilised people, we cant go around talking about the rawness of a chair, the taste of dirty socks.. the thought itself is probably naseating and funny to most of us(including myself).. but surely a baby doesnt think so! it puts everything in its mouth :D

is this also why people get lonely.. and long for someone else to hold them, to lie beside them, to feel warmth of someone else's skin next to them? the powerful need for connection with another person.. the talk of 2 becoming 1. is that why i read books, searching for one that would hit me right in the spot.. a single word that explains my life's longings? not because im feeling randy but for a COnneCtIon! ...beacuse connection with a printer just doesnt do it does it? im pretty sure primitive people respect and has a connection to a broken piece of tree bark the way a baby enjoys chewing on cushions.

is this why we place the importance of trust and commitment in a fufilling sexual relationship? simply coz we cannot tolerate the fact that we let ourselves become instinctual and absolutely bare to just anyone.. BEcause everything else around us is held at a distance.. that we have to selectively let people IN? Bar the windows, shut the gates, lock the windows, chase every thought away, the world is you and me, this moment is yours and mine. .... suddenly every person is actually on his/her own.. we shut everything out.. and we search for another to let in.. everything is about "us" about "you" and "i".. no, nothing else. im pretty sure this selfishness/isolation of an individual/self never occured until the western civilizations.. primitive people and babies never had this problem.

mmm.. there are many things i should explain above but meh.. not like u are really interested.. hmmss.. i am only talking about being such as i, who search for intimacy rather than only a good time.. well they often come together anyways.. to me :).. so of course.. there are people out there who do not need the connection. they are fine and dandy holding the world away from them like stinky underwear the way everyone does. AND durh, people arent always this serious im sure.. :) hmmss... then i read magazines about the generic/stereotyped masculine image of guys abut how there is no such thing is "making love", merely the hightime of sex.. and how they can never understand all that talk about commitment and wishywashy-ness and sissiness of having a connection. *shrugs*

i duuno.. u think? im reallly curious and i want to know...i would love to rant on and on about things like dreams and some other stuff.. haha.. but neh.. the reader would fall over and die.. hmmsss....

Ardent and Outspoken
by Constantine, age 17.. *claps claps*

Perhaps your games are
a little too much,
And wicked glances
drive shards into your
emotions – confused and befuddled as they
are.

Gregarious as your nature
is, it blinds you to
your losing battle
where you tread unawares
between hopeful and
Hopeless.

While you recite words like
from a book, your actions
speak more heavily.
And hoodwinked by sheer undaunted
character,
You distance yourself from

Me – another pawn in your
worn out game –
my emotions are a well used
and discarded blanket –
remembering the days when
I warmed you

And I had more than
fraying edges to remind me
of your ardent and outspoken
Desire.

Because we believe a beautiful body and a strong body are the same thing.
Because you should always be proud of the woman in the mirror.
Because feeling good is the same thing as looking good.
Because moving is so much better than standing still.
Because the best beauty is the kind that inspires others.
Because a powerful body can move mountains if it wants to.
Because to be truly feminine you have to be truly strong.
Because your body is an instrument and only you can play it.
Because the world can always use more strong and powerful women.
Because your body is ready to come out and play.
- nike ad

its cheesy i get it from a nike ad.. but i so believe in that... its your body! let it drive you, or drive it. whatever it is, love it. keep it strong. its your body, no ones gonna tell you how they prefer it or how it should be. stupid but these things inspire me. powerful women inspire me. i love the notion of strength. physical strength. emotional strength. an internal strength that comes from the combination of those two....

haha yes, stuff that makes me a happy fat ass

haha yes im feeling werid.. hmmss

monkey beach is an amaaaazzzinnngggggg book!! couldnt stop myself from finishing it for the 2nd time.. hmmmmss

thinking isnt all about being able to articulate your thoughts efficiently. my heart is flooded, bubbling, overflowing with emotion. cliches roll off the tips of my fingers, i erase the words i form again and again.. nothing seems right. what is original all seems repeated. is it not original for me to feel the way i do? they call this feeling "indescribable", this feeling that renders us "speechless". we search for words. I search for words. i dont have the excuse of scorching hot chocolate. words that would reach right into my core and gorge out the "essence" of this feeling. a word that would spread me raw out on the table. yet again, what i speak of is another cliche. like many others i struggle with this battle. should i simply give in? the fog tonight cloaks me in almost tangible arms while i reach for yours. how do i catch my breath, remembering stolen moments, the fleeting surges of desire - to hold, to possess, to undo. how did you hold this cracked and jagged mirror? how i wish you didnt have to go so early.

thank you.

......

i feel so much. but what do i say?

......

on a happier and funnier side note.. dawne just breezed into my room telling me about her parody of cinderella. in her story, the ugly step sister exchanged the shoe for her own.. so the prince had to marry the ugly stepsister.. and her last line was.. " and the ugly step sister lived happily ever after. The prince didn't." lols! :D and her view on techno music.." WHAt? u call this chilling music? why dont u watch me have a seizure instead?" ... sigh :) distractions like that are always good when im feeling the way i do today..

.......

im so angry! i want to scream!

The sparkles caught in the tangle of her tousled hair, she stands against the orange horizon.

The coffee’s still brewing.

The taste of iron and salt fills your mouth.



Light crashes into the room and sets her eyes on fire.



Angry noises fill your ears.
The phone is ringing. Is the TV still on?

Tears flood the air in bubbles at the collision of her heart and yours. Running mascara, the tendons tracing the curve of her porcelain neck.
Soundless lips.
Her gleaming cheeks, bare feet.




She never looked so beautiful.




The laundry is done. The dryer’s beeping.




You reach out. But lightning bounced off your own t-shirt into your eyes. Your hands hold her silhouette and the gale from the swinging door.

Suddenly the room is dark again. How long are you going to stand there?





Go get the coffee, answer the phone and turn the TV off. Your dryer’s still beeping.


One of these days she will come back.




Breathe.





Are you still there?

well i just sorta came out with a rough outline for my suzuki essay..it was soo hard to do :( .. ahyhoos.. a passage from white oleander suddenly came to mind:

"it was a strange feeling, him looking at me as i aimed. i found i couldn't quite lose myself in the target. his eyes spilt my attention between the C in coke and my awareness of him watching me.

And i thought, this was what it was like to be beautiful. What my mother felt. The tug of eyes, pulling you back from your flight to the target. i was at two places at once, not only in my thought, my aim, but my bare feet on the dusty yard, my legs growing stronger, my breasts in my new bra, my long tanned arms, my hair flowing white in the hot wind. He was taking my silence but giving me something in return, a fullness of being recognized. i felt beautiful, but also interrupted. I wasn't use to being so complicated." - Janet fitch

isnt that so pretty? haha..

been thinking about my need for control.. maybe its time i crack tat window open.

my eyes may be cold.
crystaline.
but your steady gaze smoothers my throat -
the vaccuum of my soul suddenly exploding.
pushed down and swallowed. i gulp for air.

you let me trace the blue rivers that pulses in the palm of your hands
with my numb ones - but listen,
can you hear the beat?

gravel on the road spins and holds the silence that floats between our soundless lips. did you notice the slant of light that divides you and me?
tell me if its okay i want to cross the line.

you hide
the tears that cling to your eyelashes because it disrupts a
clear mind and an opaque soul.
i may not be a romantic - but
these arms that hold you do feel
when they do.

last night,
did you notice the fleeting -
warmth that flooded my skin, my racing heart?
oh, i would collect the rain, the disappearing snow flakes in my cupped hands for you! please dont cry. just -
tell me if its okay i love you.

Untitled/Uninitiated - by Shuming.. edward's friend.. i like :)

The hues of oblivion
strays like the mahogany stripes.
Freeflows of drops
stoodstill
on the honey-coated outside.
Ice-cold.
Their beagels and cross-breeds.
Their hot and ice-cold.
The poker heart boys.
The crimson lips and her
lit-up,
her nonchalance rose like the
clouds of indifference.
And gulped a lip-ful of
dark bitterness.
Roasted with a void of sacharinne sweetness
as if her whole life was
consumed by painful Twilight she was
too collided to barely mention.
Cold, cold, silent wind
shakes Solitude like a tight violence.
The male Cleopatra in his metallic barge,
must have sat at ten-thousand marbles
and caffeine in ice with six chocolate cream cake
and a forehead of forty!
Triumphant, he lay still (albeit without an infinite variety)
and lit the world of ice-cold nicotine,
like clouds of indifference.

humourless smiles and rainy eyes you choke on your forced laughter. did you know i live to hear your voice on the line once again?
the sun's out again. im sorry i have to go.
give me your hand this last time. let my lips graze yours. i thought i could see your face in my artifically glossy nails.

i made my bed this morning.
sleeping to dream about you, but im so tired.

you tell me that you expected this. that i should make the right choices. that i will always be wrong and foolish.
that red disappointment fleetingly visits my eyes again.
how can i explain that i never wanted this?

maybe years will make us grow. perhaps your heart will heal and be as good as new. perhaps i will wake up one day.
when the sunshine pours in.

Ten years and More - Miriam Waddington (1917)

When my husband
lay dying a mountain
a lake three
cities ten years
and more
lay between us:

There were our
sons my wounds
and theirs,
despair loneliness,
handfuls of un-
hammered nails
pictures never
hung all

The uneaten
meals and unslept
sleep; there was
retirement, and
worst of all
a green umbrella
he can never
take back.

I wrote him a
letter but all
i could think of
to say was : do you
remember Severn
River, the red conoe
with the sail
and lee-boards?

I was really saying
for the sake of our
youth and our love
I forgave him for
everything
and i was asking him
to forgive me too.

its such a simple simple poem.. but.. so raw. rawness just hits me right there. feeling very oddly frail tonight

time nudges my heart a little further
into the dry sand
with its toe each passing
hour.

your voice i do not hear

lick my lips, i think im going crazy
of coffee mugs and
rainy days.

the echo that fits in the hollow of my
arms inches its way towards the
exit.

sing to me, that man on the radio

but where did you go? i watch the sky's tears
drum its beat onto
the rip in my heart.

i miss you. how many
more ways can i spell that?

7 names for tears. what replaces the heart?

hmmmss.. raniy mornings..

was so tired last night.. i really came home, changed and hopped into bed.. haha..

time to do work today.. URGH im so stressed seriously.. i think im gonna drop out of shcool. omg.. i suck at everything!! :'(