was reading about childhood amnesia and primitive people for one of my classes.. and somehow the collision of sensuality and sexuality of a person stands out for me. in my reading of childhood amnesia by schachtel.. it talks of the alienation of the sense of taste, smell and touch as we grow older and gradually pick learn the schemata of the adult society.. which is language, rules, etc. and we, as civilised and highly hygenic people, rely on sight and hearing to gain experience due to the lack of proximity of people, things, etc. it talks about the "conventionalization of experience" as we are slowly moudled into the structure of our specific society... which means that in order to remember an eXpErience.. we HAve to use language and rationalization.. which tends to shape our thoughts and feelings according to the words and logic.. and makes it cliche and doesnt do exact justice to the feelings and the essence of the experience itself.Then there is the temptation of the word.. which im not gonna even talk about. haha..

and the article about primitive people talks about how the notion of romantic love only developed in the western societies due to the lack of promixity to the peple around them.. and that we are basically subconsciously intamacy-starved people who have that huge gaping hole in our lives until we find THE ONE. all this makes mt think of the concept of a chid/person/adult's desire to "return to the mother's womb" where is is kept safe and closest to another u can get.. and how people use sex as a substituition.

and then there is sensuality.. which to me is the engagement all of a body's senses.. the smell of rain, the taste of wine, the touch of silk. WHICH i think is what brings a person the greatest intamacy with his/her surroundings... but how the heck can one really remember it without distorting the REAL feelings involved with languge? but how can u lick a table like a child and think its ok anymore? how do u chew on a battery with all innocence and truly experience anything the way a child does anymore? this means we basically everything is distant to us.. only for us to utilize and get things done.. and live life with. THIS, i think is the reason why WE make such a big thing out of sex.

romance, rose petals, poetry.. we dedicate so much to love.. we argue relentlessly about its real definition... some say is simply caring for someone with upmost purity.. then say a love doesnt work without passion. what IS passion? the burning touch of a lover? a smoothering kiss? happy humping? what? why do we put in so much emphasis on it? yeah.. coz it feels so good.. and.... what then? is that gap in our souls so prominent we would do anything to fill it? why does it feel so good on so many levels to us?

and then some people say its the greatest bond between two people.. the highest form of intamacy. i say they say this because these are rare moments(compared to all the time u use to do other stuff.. durH) that we are truly sensous beings again. poets, writers, aNYone interested devotes a charge vocabulary to "passion" itself. the rawness of touch, the barest of the bare, the taste of lips.. yet with this vocabulary we can ahrdly express ourselves.. we try anything. we talk, we sing, we kill... we do ANything to be in touch with ourselves DEEP inside. INSIDE. we are civilised people, we cant go around talking about the rawness of a chair, the taste of dirty socks.. the thought itself is probably naseating and funny to most of us(including myself).. but surely a baby doesnt think so! it puts everything in its mouth :D

is this also why people get lonely.. and long for someone else to hold them, to lie beside them, to feel warmth of someone else's skin next to them? the powerful need for connection with another person.. the talk of 2 becoming 1. is that why i read books, searching for one that would hit me right in the spot.. a single word that explains my life's longings? not because im feeling randy but for a COnneCtIon! ...beacuse connection with a printer just doesnt do it does it? im pretty sure primitive people respect and has a connection to a broken piece of tree bark the way a baby enjoys chewing on cushions.

is this why we place the importance of trust and commitment in a fufilling sexual relationship? simply coz we cannot tolerate the fact that we let ourselves become instinctual and absolutely bare to just anyone.. BEcause everything else around us is held at a distance.. that we have to selectively let people IN? Bar the windows, shut the gates, lock the windows, chase every thought away, the world is you and me, this moment is yours and mine. .... suddenly every person is actually on his/her own.. we shut everything out.. and we search for another to let in.. everything is about "us" about "you" and "i".. no, nothing else. im pretty sure this selfishness/isolation of an individual/self never occured until the western civilizations.. primitive people and babies never had this problem.

mmm.. there are many things i should explain above but meh.. not like u are really interested.. hmmss.. i am only talking about being such as i, who search for intimacy rather than only a good time.. well they often come together anyways.. to me :).. so of course.. there are people out there who do not need the connection. they are fine and dandy holding the world away from them like stinky underwear the way everyone does. AND durh, people arent always this serious im sure.. :) hmmss... then i read magazines about the generic/stereotyped masculine image of guys abut how there is no such thing is "making love", merely the hightime of sex.. and how they can never understand all that talk about commitment and wishywashy-ness and sissiness of having a connection. *shrugs*

i duuno.. u think? im reallly curious and i want to know...i would love to rant on and on about things like dreams and some other stuff.. haha.. but neh.. the reader would fall over and die.. hmmsss....