well i just sorta came out with a rough outline for my suzuki essay..it was soo hard to do :( .. ahyhoos.. a passage from white oleander suddenly came to mind:

"it was a strange feeling, him looking at me as i aimed. i found i couldn't quite lose myself in the target. his eyes spilt my attention between the C in coke and my awareness of him watching me.

And i thought, this was what it was like to be beautiful. What my mother felt. The tug of eyes, pulling you back from your flight to the target. i was at two places at once, not only in my thought, my aim, but my bare feet on the dusty yard, my legs growing stronger, my breasts in my new bra, my long tanned arms, my hair flowing white in the hot wind. He was taking my silence but giving me something in return, a fullness of being recognized. i felt beautiful, but also interrupted. I wasn't use to being so complicated." - Janet fitch

isnt that so pretty? haha..

been thinking about my need for control.. maybe its time i crack tat window open.

my eyes may be cold.
crystaline.
but your steady gaze smoothers my throat -
the vaccuum of my soul suddenly exploding.
pushed down and swallowed. i gulp for air.

you let me trace the blue rivers that pulses in the palm of your hands
with my numb ones - but listen,
can you hear the beat?

gravel on the road spins and holds the silence that floats between our soundless lips. did you notice the slant of light that divides you and me?
tell me if its okay i want to cross the line.

you hide
the tears that cling to your eyelashes because it disrupts a
clear mind and an opaque soul.
i may not be a romantic - but
these arms that hold you do feel
when they do.

last night,
did you notice the fleeting -
warmth that flooded my skin, my racing heart?
oh, i would collect the rain, the disappearing snow flakes in my cupped hands for you! please dont cry. just -
tell me if its okay i love you.