im so sick and tired of this- this life - myself

have u ever felt the darkness close in on your at night and cry yourself to sleep, thikning u never wake up again.. but when u do u are suprised and unwilling to believe you are awake at the same time? i wanted to stay in bed.. but suddenly the quilt is too heavy and everything was suffocating me. so i got up. but i realise there isnt anything to wake up for. i turn to fairy tales and "happy" things.

but suddenly the tin man grows metallic fangs and holds a knife above me and the lion approaches me with a bleeding heart ripped from the tear in its chest, dark red, the fur around it matted and soaked with blood. the arabic princess smiles at me knowingly beckoning me to her with talons i can imaging puncturing my flesh. i cant breathe.

i sit here my eyes averted to the computor screen, my legs curled up tightly against my chest.. i betray nothing with my nonchalance and usual irritability when im at home. but every few seconds i look back. something is gonna get me.

im so weary of everything. i dont want to see him. im tired. i want to leave my house. but i have no where to go. i want to find something to occupy me and keep my spirits up.. but i find nothing. and i dread the fall from the rise of my mood. i sit amidst the mess i made of my room. i barely have the energy or motivation to pick anything up. whats the point really. no i didnt vaccum the floor. my dad did while i hid in the bathroom with my head soaked in water and my headpounding. get me out of here.