been reading my old emails as i resisted the urge to laugh and cry at the same time. i wonder what happened in the middle. i always thought i am a consistent person.. am i? or maybe i have just grown to want and expect more? it sucks the most when happy past memories hurt now. you look at the debris lying around you. but then again.. we dont want to lose them. such contradictions. how will i ever learn to juggle magic and logic? the loss of myself?

i have spent mostof my day in bed.. just thinking, daydreaming, reading.. now and then dozing off to voices of musicians singing of worlds strange and familiar.

why did you mess with forever

i have to admit, i had wanted to give up. on everything. i wanted to give up because i knew i only had myself to blame for making myself a victim. it can only be my own fault for being lonely, angry, miserable. i asked for too much in too short a time. i sought to conquer a terrain i have absolutely not idea about. i did not plot and execute my plan accordingly. i was too impatient and emotional. now here i sit hours upon hours within the confines of my room too aware of what mistakes i made.

start over i guess. its been so long.