todays blog will include random responses to edwards blogs, given we havent spoken for months:

a mentor. why do we need one? a trusted teacher and counselor, a guide. why wouldnt we want to throw ourselves into life with abandon, relish in its unpredictability and suprises? to allow oursleves to gravitate toward worlds that pull at us with its inexplicable forces, and react the way we were "naturally" conditioned to? why are we the way we are?

why do we need justify, to rationalize, to know what is right and wrong, the thick, solid earth under the soles of our "caged" imaginations? do our imaginations even deserve to be called remarkable? or worthy? why do we feel the need to justify our tiny lives? the thoughts streaming from minds however big and small, yet so petty and inconsequential, only except to ourselves? why do we do what we do?

we ask for faith, a someone, something, to tell us what to do, how to do it and why. we refuse to consider the possibility that we are but insignificant. reasoning being the only excuse and purpose we have to multiply; and behave like the tiny giants we are, stomping on other lives, inventing crumbling walls made out of intangible commodities that somehow land and truly destroy, creating similar monsters that ravage and rape all that surrounds the ones in control, while perhaps the trascendent watch and chuckle. vapors of prayer swirlling up to their oblivious eyes, as we hang from their lips.

but who made right and wrong? who invented morals? the ones with money or the laughing gods? why do individuals find themselves tormented and confused, yearning for a role model? the other individual that we trust somehow represents all that is right and appropriate in our eyes. but whos eyes are we seeing through?

maybe, edward, while u find the absence jarring, my questioning is what messes me up. i dont know what i dont understand.

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conrad's heart of darkness, the lord of the flies, the beach, oscar wilde, baudrillard, kristeva.. etc.. the books/writers(of whom i have happened to read, albeit a tiny number) who expose the replusiveness of man(to clarify, i mean humankind in generally, to establish my lean toward politically correctness).. especially the modern man. the stink of the rot and burning flesh discretely covered by expensive perfumes made from crushed plants, hidden by the fur made from squealing animals, the sound of bank machines, the cocking of guns, the pouding of acid rain and hail stones in a tropical country. optimisim, my friend, of which i am glad you still harbour, isnt even an option for me anymore. im just waiting for the day we explode and slaughter each other with sharp tree branches. :)

.....

i only want you to see me as the most beautiful girl in the world.

haha found this on msn.com:
Leo profile
Leo can be among the most arrogant, self-absorbed signs of the zodiac, but also among the most tender and generous. As the lion king of the cosmos, you are a force to be reckoned with — and you'd have it no other way. Full of ego and the insecurity that inevitably accompanies it, you demand respect. The successful Leo, however, learns how to command it. You thrive on the esteem of others, but privately your self-esteem wavers. A natural performer, you can be a powerhouse of creative talent, charisma and instinct. You crave the spotlight and take great pains to grace it. But as you mature, your opinion will grow more independent of others. You'll seek a quieter dignity and nobility, not unlike that of an elder statesperson. Great actors may begin by upstaging their colleagues, but they eventually let their art speak for itself. You'll come to view self-promotion as a crude distraction and get out of your own way. At that point, your devotion to longtime loyalists will overwhelm your temptation to indulge lusty flatterers. As life experience humanizes you, appearances will still matter, but they'll take a back seat to true feelings.

my mars+venus sign:(how frigheningly true)
Mars: capricorn
Venus: libra

You're driven, ambitious and tough. Serious about relationships, you play for keeps. Casual affairs and kinky play aren't your bag, baby.

Your Mars is in capricorn True, you have natural poise and reserve. But that shouldn't be interpreted as weakness. You need respect and you'll earn it — or else you'll leave. Your innate trustworthiness makes you a dependable mate who's willing and able to commit (even if it does take a while). You enjoy lots of wholesome sex — no one would accuse you of being kinky.

Your Venus is in libra Your natural state is to be in a relationship, and even when single you're always juggling prospects and options. You know how to treat your lovers well. They enjoy being with you because of your looks and sense of style. Underneath it all, however, you can be high-maintenance. You're likely to say whatever someone wants to hear in order to keep a relationship stable.


i kinda agree with it. :) finally one i can relate to. haha.

ill save my newyears speech for another time my shoulders arent hurting.
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