Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
through this world i stumbled -
you're mean, im mean, im nice, you're sweet, im cold, you're hot, we laugh, we share, we understand, we misunderstand, we soar, we fall, i goof up, we crash. how long has it been? almost an entire year.. or more? it feels like forever - in a good way :) distance between us had its first major crack eversince that sunchips afternoon in the baking sun when we talked for almost 2 hours. a few weeks later the hairline cracks gave in and i realised how much you really meant and mean to me.
still, so much time after all the coy afternoons, we remain very often paranoid and misunderstood, perhaps refusing to take things for granted or did omitted words took its toll?
- but nevertheless amidst everything else, we, yes WE remain addicted(your word) to each other. absence makes the heart fonder? i think not baby, my day bad or good isn't complete without you. they say getting overly comfortable with time kills many things.. for me though, it gets better. i feel more like myself, i guess in a selfish sense this amazing bond of ours have done sooooo more for me than give me a gorgeous and hilarious bf who also assures me i shouldnt wear makeup and im not fat ;) - ANd, i want you more than ever.
PLus, you did get a free cookie for me and shared the double double you(and your fellow comrade nima) won from going through public garbage around york for hours this evening, leaving me in charge with your bags and laptop since im constantly hungry anyways. awws, isnt that sweet? lol.
what else can i say? that no one made me laugh this much, this freely? that i never told someone i loved him without flinching or any prompt and mean it? that the rare rare times i get to steal warmth off you are impossibly beautiful? that im strongly convinced EVEn better things may come? that i never had anyone who loves me so wholly? even for my disgusting fiction-book devouring habits, girlish moodiness, ditziness, my repulsive obsessive complusive capitalistic rants, my lack of self esteem, my shyness, my attempts to engage you in "intellectual" conversations that ultimately mean nothing in the bigger picture, my inability to remember THAT THING ON THE BACK is called a spoiler, my "bad" music and car taste... my imperfections held in by perfect and warm hands of a perfect person( well.. except for the times you kick me out of the car, purposely humiliate me in public, punch me, and make everyone think u have sexual relations with all your guy friends ;) )...
...with those usually curled pinkies :).
i always wanted to write a book, which would give me the excuse to describe the flat, broad white finger tips on your long curled fingers, quickening heartrates, the tremor of a surface when your voice echoes from the throat, sunlight scorching my forearms as 18degree cold air blasts from the vents as i watch your eyelashes flutter with your eyes on the road. i guess the blog will suffice for now.
dragons or not, i know the start wasn't a fairytale. what can i do but hope to understand one day that ideals were never really met? forget 6 times a month, we are already doing better than that! hahaaa...
"Stay in your lovely paris but think of me with every wild strawberry you eat, every scrumptious melon, and certainly every bite of foie gras. " - Shipwreck, Lousi Begley (yes, its the books i took out today. i am done with the girl with a pearl earring and im currently on page 24 of this one.... *nerdy toothy smile* :) )
with every calorie i injest, sleep off, read off, work off and accumulate, i think of you.
- till i found you.
eww im so ushy mushy ewww :P
you're mean, im mean, im nice, you're sweet, im cold, you're hot, we laugh, we share, we understand, we misunderstand, we soar, we fall, i goof up, we crash. how long has it been? almost an entire year.. or more? it feels like forever - in a good way :) distance between us had its first major crack eversince that sunchips afternoon in the baking sun when we talked for almost 2 hours. a few weeks later the hairline cracks gave in and i realised how much you really meant and mean to me.
still, so much time after all the coy afternoons, we remain very often paranoid and misunderstood, perhaps refusing to take things for granted or did omitted words took its toll?
- but nevertheless amidst everything else, we, yes WE remain addicted(your word) to each other. absence makes the heart fonder? i think not baby, my day bad or good isn't complete without you. they say getting overly comfortable with time kills many things.. for me though, it gets better. i feel more like myself, i guess in a selfish sense this amazing bond of ours have done sooooo more for me than give me a gorgeous and hilarious bf who also assures me i shouldnt wear makeup and im not fat ;) - ANd, i want you more than ever.
PLus, you did get a free cookie for me and shared the double double you(and your fellow comrade nima) won from going through public garbage around york for hours this evening, leaving me in charge with your bags and laptop since im constantly hungry anyways. awws, isnt that sweet? lol.
what else can i say? that no one made me laugh this much, this freely? that i never told someone i loved him without flinching or any prompt and mean it? that the rare rare times i get to steal warmth off you are impossibly beautiful? that im strongly convinced EVEn better things may come? that i never had anyone who loves me so wholly? even for my disgusting fiction-book devouring habits, girlish moodiness, ditziness, my repulsive obsessive complusive capitalistic rants, my lack of self esteem, my shyness, my attempts to engage you in "intellectual" conversations that ultimately mean nothing in the bigger picture, my inability to remember THAT THING ON THE BACK is called a spoiler, my "bad" music and car taste... my imperfections held in by perfect and warm hands of a perfect person( well.. except for the times you kick me out of the car, purposely humiliate me in public, punch me, and make everyone think u have sexual relations with all your guy friends ;) )...
...with those usually curled pinkies :).
i always wanted to write a book, which would give me the excuse to describe the flat, broad white finger tips on your long curled fingers, quickening heartrates, the tremor of a surface when your voice echoes from the throat, sunlight scorching my forearms as 18degree cold air blasts from the vents as i watch your eyelashes flutter with your eyes on the road. i guess the blog will suffice for now.
dragons or not, i know the start wasn't a fairytale. what can i do but hope to understand one day that ideals were never really met? forget 6 times a month, we are already doing better than that! hahaaa...
"Stay in your lovely paris but think of me with every wild strawberry you eat, every scrumptious melon, and certainly every bite of foie gras. " - Shipwreck, Lousi Begley (yes, its the books i took out today. i am done with the girl with a pearl earring and im currently on page 24 of this one.... *nerdy toothy smile* :) )
with every calorie i injest, sleep off, read off, work off and accumulate, i think of you.
- till i found you.
eww im so ushy mushy ewww :P
Saturday, March 12, 2005
The times may have changed, but people are still the sme. We're still looking for love, and thay will always be our struggle as human beings." -halle berry!! shes an ok actress with an awesome bod... but i like the things she say in interviews.. and her voice is so smokey too.. haa.. meh
i dont get why women care so much about having the right boobs, ass and everything for men!!!! WHY?! dont u want them for yourself and not just MEN? *incredulous expression* i dislike myself because i dont come close at all to my own ideals because i think my junk looks bad in the clothing i CHOOse and would like to wear.. and OOBBVIOUSLY im not exotic as i wishhhhh i am.. and my genes disallow for certain things i want to change... its a veryy gooood bonus obviously if the guys love it.. but dont you want to feel good for yourself FIrst?
LIsten glamour magazine's jake.. i dont like models only because they are skinny.. i like them coz they are so differnt from the normal human being who eats 3 meals a day and will nver be 5 10'.. they can wear a sheet and still look exotic. they have all the potential to be shaped and moulded by anything.. makeup, a shred of clothing, a hot iron. their lack of body mass doesnt make their frail at all either.. it is jsut another type of ideal so far away from someone who isnt genetically blessed with stick figure thighs or wants to gorge on only coffee and ciggarettes. that is all. and OH coMON, voluptuous, monstrously thin, fit, curvy, neat, messy, blah blah blah..sexy women are for everyone! who said girls dont admire the brazen and dirty girls too? well im speaking for myself. :) its just superficial either.. its the AURA.
lol dawne and her teenage angst.. hahaa doesnt it suck when the whole house if filled with moody teenagers when the age gaps between kids are not big?? well i exempt hammy's family from this.. he is(and probably the brothers too) are probably alot more calm and composed than people like me and my siblings. lol. but then again.. im learning to contain my anger alot better by now.
things to do for today:
1. return games at eb for brother
2. exchange my lacey ae shirttt for a smaller one
3. buy hair conditioner
4. contact lens solution
5. do an outline for essay
6. photocopy natural science notes
7. tidy up my closet
8. yoga.. i pushed myself a little yesterdayyy at the gym.. haha was trembling at the end of it.. but today i just feel a tad sore.. esp my bum.. lol. gluetes! i can officially feel the slight girly bump of my triceps~ but i still have a hugeee belly.. lol. dododo. MEH. lets just say this fat kid is lazier today :)
haha yesterday my mom screeched at me to sit down and eat(i was running up and down the stairs getting my things to go out with hammy after every mouth full) and my dad had to run downstairs to see what happened.. haha. dramatic mommy.
lols that day i did bench presses with free weights for the first time i couldnt stop giggling with abhi peering over top and calling me muscular pearle even though i was doing only 15 pounds. but im weak.. my biceps were burning after a few reps.. and they call that a chest exercise!?? hahaa.. i felt nothing around my chest.
feel like wearing a mini skirt and boots today.. hahaa.. random urges
bah.. its too early in the morning and im already blabbering non stop. golly, i talk so much! :)
indeed poo talk is distracting.. *laughs*
i dont get why women care so much about having the right boobs, ass and everything for men!!!! WHY?! dont u want them for yourself and not just MEN? *incredulous expression* i dislike myself because i dont come close at all to my own ideals because i think my junk looks bad in the clothing i CHOOse and would like to wear.. and OOBBVIOUSLY im not exotic as i wishhhhh i am.. and my genes disallow for certain things i want to change... its a veryy gooood bonus obviously if the guys love it.. but dont you want to feel good for yourself FIrst?
LIsten glamour magazine's jake.. i dont like models only because they are skinny.. i like them coz they are so differnt from the normal human being who eats 3 meals a day and will nver be 5 10'.. they can wear a sheet and still look exotic. they have all the potential to be shaped and moulded by anything.. makeup, a shred of clothing, a hot iron. their lack of body mass doesnt make their frail at all either.. it is jsut another type of ideal so far away from someone who isnt genetically blessed with stick figure thighs or wants to gorge on only coffee and ciggarettes. that is all. and OH coMON, voluptuous, monstrously thin, fit, curvy, neat, messy, blah blah blah..sexy women are for everyone! who said girls dont admire the brazen and dirty girls too? well im speaking for myself. :) its just superficial either.. its the AURA.
lol dawne and her teenage angst.. hahaa doesnt it suck when the whole house if filled with moody teenagers when the age gaps between kids are not big?? well i exempt hammy's family from this.. he is(and probably the brothers too) are probably alot more calm and composed than people like me and my siblings. lol. but then again.. im learning to contain my anger alot better by now.
things to do for today:
1. return games at eb for brother
2. exchange my lacey ae shirttt for a smaller one
3. buy hair conditioner
4. contact lens solution
5. do an outline for essay
6. photocopy natural science notes
7. tidy up my closet
8. yoga.. i pushed myself a little yesterdayyy at the gym.. haha was trembling at the end of it.. but today i just feel a tad sore.. esp my bum.. lol. gluetes! i can officially feel the slight girly bump of my triceps~ but i still have a hugeee belly.. lol. dododo. MEH. lets just say this fat kid is lazier today :)
haha yesterday my mom screeched at me to sit down and eat(i was running up and down the stairs getting my things to go out with hammy after every mouth full) and my dad had to run downstairs to see what happened.. haha. dramatic mommy.
lols that day i did bench presses with free weights for the first time i couldnt stop giggling with abhi peering over top and calling me muscular pearle even though i was doing only 15 pounds. but im weak.. my biceps were burning after a few reps.. and they call that a chest exercise!?? hahaa.. i felt nothing around my chest.
feel like wearing a mini skirt and boots today.. hahaa.. random urges
bah.. its too early in the morning and im already blabbering non stop. golly, i talk so much! :)
indeed poo talk is distracting.. *laughs*
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
sometimes i feel like, what i would belive to be a child, blissfully content with the tiny little bubble i reside in, its thin gleaming pulsing membrane separating me from the rest of the world. other times though, the bubble disintegrates - leaving me uncomfortable, naked, vulnerable in my unfamiliar 18 year old skin. who am i, huddled at the back of a public bus, voices and laughter swimming around me, suspending before me, excluding me. Not mine.
loneliness permeates this house. A theme my family scurries around and tries to escape everyday. my brother locks himself in his room day in and out, throwing himself into his school work, video games. dawne paces around restlessly, miserable that "there just isnt anything good to do". My parents, now seem so small and frail relentlessly lament to me about depleting savings, lack of jobs, recent badluck, the lack of friends, contacts, the aches and pains of this strange weather and growing older.
at night, this theme clings onto the shadows on the walls, soft glows emitting from under each closed door. We never say anything of course. do we ever? But isnt it obvious, the way my mother clings onto the phone with her sisters, her precious nieces and nephews, faint voices on the line. my dad reminices of days he failed english exams shortly after his arrival in singapore, his constant worries for his friend diagnosed with kidney cancer. the fondness and almost bitter tilt to my siblings' voices as they talk of their friends, the "old" life as they wandered aimlessly to and from each other's rooms, including my own?
We sorta know we have each other, and somehow then again we don't. Is something missing.. or is this just not enough?
we are almost merely hollowed versions of ourselves occupying this same strained space, wordless, fake. Personas employed and displayed during most dinners - personas that are slowly shed during the journey from the table to the sink and the first step up the carpetted stairs.
today is just another one of those days. all the doors are still open, each of us staring at something else completely different, our hearts moving to different music, our minds somewhere faraway.. from each other.. perhaps even from the isolation we place ourselves both willingly and relunctantly in. But we are accustomed to this. cold fingers and voiceless words. spaces.
voids. and pauses.
loneliness permeates this house. A theme my family scurries around and tries to escape everyday. my brother locks himself in his room day in and out, throwing himself into his school work, video games. dawne paces around restlessly, miserable that "there just isnt anything good to do". My parents, now seem so small and frail relentlessly lament to me about depleting savings, lack of jobs, recent badluck, the lack of friends, contacts, the aches and pains of this strange weather and growing older.
at night, this theme clings onto the shadows on the walls, soft glows emitting from under each closed door. We never say anything of course. do we ever? But isnt it obvious, the way my mother clings onto the phone with her sisters, her precious nieces and nephews, faint voices on the line. my dad reminices of days he failed english exams shortly after his arrival in singapore, his constant worries for his friend diagnosed with kidney cancer. the fondness and almost bitter tilt to my siblings' voices as they talk of their friends, the "old" life as they wandered aimlessly to and from each other's rooms, including my own?
We sorta know we have each other, and somehow then again we don't. Is something missing.. or is this just not enough?
we are almost merely hollowed versions of ourselves occupying this same strained space, wordless, fake. Personas employed and displayed during most dinners - personas that are slowly shed during the journey from the table to the sink and the first step up the carpetted stairs.
today is just another one of those days. all the doors are still open, each of us staring at something else completely different, our hearts moving to different music, our minds somewhere faraway.. from each other.. perhaps even from the isolation we place ourselves both willingly and relunctantly in. But we are accustomed to this. cold fingers and voiceless words. spaces.
voids. and pauses.
somehow, baby i
don't feel quite up to par today.
The people keep talking and the
sun gets in my eyes. i
tried calling your name but
the wind stole my voice
again.
but i guess silence suits you fine.
silk, satin, cotton, cashmere pressed against
my numbed skin.
where are you?
the dew locked up in icicles,
moss buried under endless sheets of snow.
tell me it stays warm that
way.
i stare out at orange street lights and soggy white tire tracks.
i notice the shadows now. they whisper, mumble and creak, but
i can't read the runes. they shy away from me.
Even when i cry they don't come.
can you tell me what they are?
Would you?
-purl-
haha its like a sequel.. i blog so much my life can be complied into one crazy thick book.. fullllll of sheer uselessness. haha. sigh. maybe i should stick to trying out victorian/romantic period type poetry style instead.. this simplistic "contemporary"(i don't mean the definition u find in your dictionaries obviously) one says too much too blatantly.
according to one of the creations of don delilo.. writers use writing.. as "the convinient crutch and alibi for every failure to be decent".. haha sigh.. dont we all somehow find an excuse from everything anyway? sigh. forget it dont want to think about it.
M U S T go Reeeadddd........
don't feel quite up to par today.
The people keep talking and the
sun gets in my eyes. i
tried calling your name but
the wind stole my voice
again.
but i guess silence suits you fine.
silk, satin, cotton, cashmere pressed against
my numbed skin.
where are you?
the dew locked up in icicles,
moss buried under endless sheets of snow.
tell me it stays warm that
way.
i stare out at orange street lights and soggy white tire tracks.
i notice the shadows now. they whisper, mumble and creak, but
i can't read the runes. they shy away from me.
Even when i cry they don't come.
can you tell me what they are?
Would you?
-purl-
haha its like a sequel.. i blog so much my life can be complied into one crazy thick book.. fullllll of sheer uselessness. haha. sigh. maybe i should stick to trying out victorian/romantic period type poetry style instead.. this simplistic "contemporary"(i don't mean the definition u find in your dictionaries obviously) one says too much too blatantly.
according to one of the creations of don delilo.. writers use writing.. as "the convinient crutch and alibi for every failure to be decent".. haha sigh.. dont we all somehow find an excuse from everything anyway? sigh. forget it dont want to think about it.
M U S T go Reeeadddd........
Sunday, February 27, 2005
She's just a porcelain doll -
a cold, unfeeling porcelain doll.
So very mindless, indecisive...
Nonchalant?
Yet sometimes at night, when the dark clutches at her throat,
this doll weeps quietly,
Tears only a porcelain doll can cry,
Willing her brittle little body to shatter.
Shh, as long as no one knows.
Still, that painted smile and those glossy eyes (do not) betray
her hollow
Nothing.
Not very interesting really, all she does is stand amidst the dust,
hope gleaming off her polished surface.
No one really notices.
No one cares.
It's ok, don't worry about it, just put her back on that shelf over there.
She's only me.
- p u r l -
a cold, unfeeling porcelain doll.
So very mindless, indecisive...
Nonchalant?
Yet sometimes at night, when the dark clutches at her throat,
this doll weeps quietly,
Tears only a porcelain doll can cry,
Willing her brittle little body to shatter.
Shh, as long as no one knows.
Still, that painted smile and those glossy eyes (do not) betray
her hollow
Nothing.
Not very interesting really, all she does is stand amidst the dust,
hope gleaming off her polished surface.
No one really notices.
No one cares.
It's ok, don't worry about it, just put her back on that shelf over there.
She's only me.
- p u r l -
Friday, February 25, 2005
Hello Lyrics by Evanescence
Playground schoolbell rings, again
Rainclouds come to play, again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to...Hello...
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me
I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide.
Don't cry.
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here, all that's left
Of yesterday
walled in, shut out, pushed aside-
my silence fits right into the gaps of the stream of voices.
perhaps thats where i belong.
Diverted laughter fills the gaps silence burned between the two of us in its wake.
The air crisp, almost tangy. The icy smell of the approaching season with mahogany leaves lying at our feet. The days we coyly circled each other, breathless and giddy from the exhilaration of every word, the briefest touch. Days, hours stolen and given stretched and shimmered before us.
I remember that one Thursday night so vividly – your bright yellow t-shirt and grey hoodie, rumbling tummies, my capris rolled down at the bottom to shield my bare calves from the damp chill, you shielding me from the rest of the world.
One heartbeat. Two.
Then it vaporized, was discarded carelessly. Perhaps forgotten.
been devouring books these days.. just finished maoII, middlesex, shopaholic takes manhattan and can you keep a secret since monday.. well no i havent been skipping classes just to read.. they simply became my amusement, my consolation, my escape.
no darling john keats, beauty isnt truth. beauty is escape from the dodgy-ness, the mundane- the "truth" often called "reality". why would i be content late at night feeling shelled out, discarded, temporary in my own life stories to read its "beauty" when there are words written from another's pain, another's life i can simply hold tangible in my hands to immerse myself in? why should i stare at my reflection searching for a trace of beauty when words feed my imagination with carbs to produce it in my mind?
words, words i press against my tired eyes, my sore shoulders. words i stuff into my skull like wads of cotton wool, that shrouds and displaces my vision and train of thought. but there is too much in real life i want.
can't you see? they are so predictable, my own. they sit quietly on my table with its slightly curled covers, the rustle of pages only a trick of the mind, an imaginary breeze. they offer me no warmth, no desire, no sound.. only words oF warmth, of intoxicating desires, music, light, hurt. i laugh, i cry, i dwell thoughtfully with these words. but they are so far away. but these feelings.. they aren't mine. the characters aren't me. once again, i dont belong.
how come it is always up to me? for once tell me how much i am wanted, let me hold those thoughts against my hollowed throat the way i hold printed pages up to the lamp. or just let me know. even being less than one foot away has become unfamiliar.
i walk in the falling snow, the wet swirling flakes melting on my reddened cheeks, my eyelashes.. alot lighter than the tears they held up an hour before. the cold was somehow soothing this afternoon though, it numbed my body, leaving only my concentration in walking across the ice/snow covered field in my dangerous shoes and my breathing to remind me im alive. tranquil almost, if you may.
why did i come? maybe i just wanted to get out of the house. maybe i just wanted a walk. maybe i just wanted to see you. maybe i just wanted to test the possibility of finding a little hint, an encouragement perhaps? maybe i shouldnt have come. not even yesterday. you tell me.
Playground schoolbell rings, again
Rainclouds come to play, again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to...Hello...
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me
I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide.
Don't cry.
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here, all that's left
Of yesterday
walled in, shut out, pushed aside-
my silence fits right into the gaps of the stream of voices.
perhaps thats where i belong.
Diverted laughter fills the gaps silence burned between the two of us in its wake.
The air crisp, almost tangy. The icy smell of the approaching season with mahogany leaves lying at our feet. The days we coyly circled each other, breathless and giddy from the exhilaration of every word, the briefest touch. Days, hours stolen and given stretched and shimmered before us.
I remember that one Thursday night so vividly – your bright yellow t-shirt and grey hoodie, rumbling tummies, my capris rolled down at the bottom to shield my bare calves from the damp chill, you shielding me from the rest of the world.
One heartbeat. Two.
Then it vaporized, was discarded carelessly. Perhaps forgotten.
been devouring books these days.. just finished maoII, middlesex, shopaholic takes manhattan and can you keep a secret since monday.. well no i havent been skipping classes just to read.. they simply became my amusement, my consolation, my escape.
no darling john keats, beauty isnt truth. beauty is escape from the dodgy-ness, the mundane- the "truth" often called "reality". why would i be content late at night feeling shelled out, discarded, temporary in my own life stories to read its "beauty" when there are words written from another's pain, another's life i can simply hold tangible in my hands to immerse myself in? why should i stare at my reflection searching for a trace of beauty when words feed my imagination with carbs to produce it in my mind?
words, words i press against my tired eyes, my sore shoulders. words i stuff into my skull like wads of cotton wool, that shrouds and displaces my vision and train of thought. but there is too much in real life i want.
can't you see? they are so predictable, my own. they sit quietly on my table with its slightly curled covers, the rustle of pages only a trick of the mind, an imaginary breeze. they offer me no warmth, no desire, no sound.. only words oF warmth, of intoxicating desires, music, light, hurt. i laugh, i cry, i dwell thoughtfully with these words. but they are so far away. but these feelings.. they aren't mine. the characters aren't me. once again, i dont belong.
how come it is always up to me? for once tell me how much i am wanted, let me hold those thoughts against my hollowed throat the way i hold printed pages up to the lamp. or just let me know. even being less than one foot away has become unfamiliar.
i walk in the falling snow, the wet swirling flakes melting on my reddened cheeks, my eyelashes.. alot lighter than the tears they held up an hour before. the cold was somehow soothing this afternoon though, it numbed my body, leaving only my concentration in walking across the ice/snow covered field in my dangerous shoes and my breathing to remind me im alive. tranquil almost, if you may.
why did i come? maybe i just wanted to get out of the house. maybe i just wanted a walk. maybe i just wanted to see you. maybe i just wanted to test the possibility of finding a little hint, an encouragement perhaps? maybe i shouldnt have come. not even yesterday. you tell me.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
"there was no where i could go that wouldn't be you" (Eugenides)
awww, isnt that ushy gushy...? this writer is like the contemporary-er verion of that isabella writer.. i have one of her books somewhere in the depths of my bookshelf. they are both soo good.. the type of boooks you cant put down and u want to read closely coz every detail makes a difference... im pretty sure when i read it a second time it will not be exactly the same.
my room's mess is piling up again.. :S even my table.. oh god. hmm this weekend shall do some cleaning up.. REAL cleaning up..
"Chekhov's first rule of playwriting goes something like this :"if there's a gun on the wall in act one, scene one, you must fire the gun by act three, scene two." "
hahaa.. :) except now it starts as an introduction.
dodoodoo no ones at homeeeee.. no car.. TOO COLD OUTSIDE>. NO GYM!! *inflate*
awww, isnt that ushy gushy...? this writer is like the contemporary-er verion of that isabella writer.. i have one of her books somewhere in the depths of my bookshelf. they are both soo good.. the type of boooks you cant put down and u want to read closely coz every detail makes a difference... im pretty sure when i read it a second time it will not be exactly the same.
my room's mess is piling up again.. :S even my table.. oh god. hmm this weekend shall do some cleaning up.. REAL cleaning up..
"Chekhov's first rule of playwriting goes something like this :"if there's a gun on the wall in act one, scene one, you must fire the gun by act three, scene two." "
hahaa.. :) except now it starts as an introduction.
dodoodoo no ones at homeeeee.. no car.. TOO COLD OUTSIDE>. NO GYM!! *inflate*
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
"The only private language i know is self-exaggeration. I think i've grown a second self in this room. It's the self-important fool that keeps the writer going. I exaggerate the pain of writing, the pain of solitude, the failture, the rage, the confusion, the helplessness, the fear, the humilation. the narrower the boundaries of my life, themore i exaggerate myself. If the pain is real, why do i inflate it? Maybe this is the only pleasure i am allowed."
"Does writing come out of bitterness and rage or does it produce bitterness and rage?"
- Don Delilio, Mao II.
wanted to make a new template for my blog with these words.... but hey, MY BLOG NOW IS GORGEOUS. hahaha.. actually im just lazy. :) wow that book is filled with so much subtle gorgeousness.. only realised it by reading it closely last night during bible class.
writing drives me insane.. but i cant help putting everything into words. i scribble everywhere, i cant resist putting every little thought down.. when i cant i go crazy.. and when i do put it down.. i go crazy the next time i see it.
my moms a pain. so fricking annoying. holy crap. forget this blog.
"Does writing come out of bitterness and rage or does it produce bitterness and rage?"
- Don Delilio, Mao II.
wanted to make a new template for my blog with these words.... but hey, MY BLOG NOW IS GORGEOUS. hahaha.. actually im just lazy. :) wow that book is filled with so much subtle gorgeousness.. only realised it by reading it closely last night during bible class.
writing drives me insane.. but i cant help putting everything into words. i scribble everywhere, i cant resist putting every little thought down.. when i cant i go crazy.. and when i do put it down.. i go crazy the next time i see it.
my moms a pain. so fricking annoying. holy crap. forget this blog.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Hushed whispers
locked doors, i listen to the
scream of silence.
Admist piled layers of wool
and cotton. In the hollows of this shell,
i dream of you.
The clock ticks, under the stillness i can
almost feel the planes
shifting. I can almost hear
your deep breathing
as you dream.
Would you take me with you?
-purl-
locked doors, i listen to the
scream of silence.
Admist piled layers of wool
and cotton. In the hollows of this shell,
i dream of you.
The clock ticks, under the stillness i can
almost feel the planes
shifting. I can almost hear
your deep breathing
as you dream.
Would you take me with you?
-purl-
Friday, February 11, 2005
until u have your next perk, life is but a cycle of misery. for example, i come home feelin poopish, thought chocolate might give a small slight sugar rush to remove the misery.. but i ended up more miserbale than before.. swearing i take up the whole counch.. then i watched chicago, hoping the singing and crazy dancing will be nice.. but no i just get depressed sitting there for 2 hours with nothing else to do.. so yay its over i run upstairs to see if i get msges.. but none.. sadder-ness again.. and then ok.. i dont have internet= frustrated.. so i go ot dawne's computor.. and im frustrated again.. coz no one of my interest is online and its just sad i need internet to be entertained. and now ranting on and on is making me just as miserable.. so.. bedtime u say? No.. sleeping so early is pathetic.. and tomorrrow im gonna be bored agian.. dammit really. why do i always have to be so sad?? as in sad case. im not even blaming anything.. im just one miserable frustrated loserish fat awkward looking loner with a bloody nose.
sometimes i prefer nights to never end.. i have a reason to be in bed and never wake up. tomorrow im gonna buy that thing that covers the eyes during sleep.. that way i may never wake up. yay.
good lord, why does patrick have to come online during my few brief visits to the world wide web?
does advil or telenol make u sleep?? i might need some tomorrow. i hate mornings now. wow i hated this morning. even better i keep sleeping i dont eat. fat kids shold really keep thier paws off the chocolate jars and their pig trotters on the treadmill.
man, i feel like *$#_(%*)$@!. i want to beat the crap out of something with a baseball bat. i dreamed of that for so long! comon' a car will be nice too.. i always visualised and imagined the rush of wind, the folding in of the windscreen, the shards of class, the ache in my shoulder and my right bicep, the crisp smell of rain after a sultry afternoon. oh wow, the adrenaline. thats right son, im repressed.
funny how i mgiht even be too weak to really smash that lovely windscreen in the way i fantasize i would when i actually do get the chance. and the chances of that is.. hmmm.. ZERO!!?? saw the pun? lol puns are funny simply because they arent.
bah humbug, i hate you world
sometimes i prefer nights to never end.. i have a reason to be in bed and never wake up. tomorrow im gonna buy that thing that covers the eyes during sleep.. that way i may never wake up. yay.
good lord, why does patrick have to come online during my few brief visits to the world wide web?
does advil or telenol make u sleep?? i might need some tomorrow. i hate mornings now. wow i hated this morning. even better i keep sleeping i dont eat. fat kids shold really keep thier paws off the chocolate jars and their pig trotters on the treadmill.
man, i feel like *$#_(%*)$@!. i want to beat the crap out of something with a baseball bat. i dreamed of that for so long! comon' a car will be nice too.. i always visualised and imagined the rush of wind, the folding in of the windscreen, the shards of class, the ache in my shoulder and my right bicep, the crisp smell of rain after a sultry afternoon. oh wow, the adrenaline. thats right son, im repressed.
funny how i mgiht even be too weak to really smash that lovely windscreen in the way i fantasize i would when i actually do get the chance. and the chances of that is.. hmmm.. ZERO!!?? saw the pun? lol puns are funny simply because they arent.
bah humbug, i hate you world
Saturday, February 05, 2005
"For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you"
but isnt it worse when the completeness is snatched away from you? you cant miss what you never had. i always thought living this way is the best way to keep safe.. just watch me break my rules....
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you"
but isnt it worse when the completeness is snatched away from you? you cant miss what you never had. i always thought living this way is the best way to keep safe.. just watch me break my rules....
oooo now i know why chinese people of the earlier generation say "chi bao le mah" as a greeting.. even if they met in the washroom. lols. daddy told me its because food was almost scarce and it was something that wasnt taken for granted at those times.. esp since he was from the kampong. i must say, my dad came a loooonnnggg way. he only has a poly diploma and my mom dropped out of poly!!! and he has 3 spoilt brats in the tow. ooo *so proud* :D shh, dont tell them i said that.
i feel like talking about my brother and dawnetoday. JUST BECAUSE. well, lets see, my brother potrays himself as a brooding, hunched over arrogant fella who sees himself as superior to everyone else. he utters things that are idealistic and absolutely not practical at all... and everrr so often insulting to the max. my dad gets mad whenever he does it.. but meh, dawne soaks it up like bread and oil while i keep my eyes on my food. he's still a nice guy though, generous(he doesnt seem to be relenting to my grumbles about the wasteland though) and oh so honest, and im so sure he misses home too
DAWNE.. the only one who doesnt seculde ourselves to our rooms in a bad temper. she struts around, incessently yelling out orders and complaints that are more often than not HILARIOUS. and one thing, this girl detests change. its so annoying sometimes.. but..meh. her sense of humour and how she laughs at things i say makes up for it. besides, shes really goood company when shes feeling jolly. *brings out disney soundtracks*
its almost funny how moving here forces my family to sit around and have inner together almost every night.. i never knew everyone was so funny and somehow hammy played a part in helping me appreciate them a little more :) the sky's always stretches a little wider and is more beautiful when you are around. *smoochies*
yay my brother got moulin rouge and chicago dvds for me. *lols* im such a loser. MUSICALS!!
i feel like talking about my brother and dawnetoday. JUST BECAUSE. well, lets see, my brother potrays himself as a brooding, hunched over arrogant fella who sees himself as superior to everyone else. he utters things that are idealistic and absolutely not practical at all... and everrr so often insulting to the max. my dad gets mad whenever he does it.. but meh, dawne soaks it up like bread and oil while i keep my eyes on my food. he's still a nice guy though, generous(he doesnt seem to be relenting to my grumbles about the wasteland though) and oh so honest, and im so sure he misses home too
DAWNE.. the only one who doesnt seculde ourselves to our rooms in a bad temper. she struts around, incessently yelling out orders and complaints that are more often than not HILARIOUS. and one thing, this girl detests change. its so annoying sometimes.. but..meh. her sense of humour and how she laughs at things i say makes up for it. besides, shes really goood company when shes feeling jolly. *brings out disney soundtracks*
its almost funny how moving here forces my family to sit around and have inner together almost every night.. i never knew everyone was so funny and somehow hammy played a part in helping me appreciate them a little more :) the sky's always stretches a little wider and is more beautiful when you are around. *smoochies*
yay my brother got moulin rouge and chicago dvds for me. *lols* im such a loser. MUSICALS!!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
found my H.I.class of 2002 vcd lying amidst the dust with my old cds. well, i couldnt resist watching it.
another one of those days i wished i could read chinese properly.
*tears* its funny how i spent 3 years with most of those guys, 4 years in that school.. and here i am after 2 years++ sitting in a country 32hrs by plane away taking in the crazy changes. of course, i didnt just watch 4A's little clip... it was enough to make my heart ache and wish those days never ended. the O'levels didnt bother me.. i wouldnt mind going back even if i had to go through all the sweaty afternoons and stress and bad fashion all over again. i watched 4C's too.. all this while remembering how miss neo died while i watch her exchange vows with her at that time brand new husband in the video. i never thought she was that pretty, but really, cliches aside, in her wedding dress, she glowed.
just seeing the girls, the lanky guys, beng, even the people from other classes in the vcd made me realise how much happened AMONGST us all. interweaving threads, undertows of fate. yea, i believe.
we were like little intangible blots of colour of present selves, glittering, pulsing, but inevitably shedded, left behind.
so many of them are either alread enlisted or waiting to go into university after 2 years of JC. sure, i learn in school(now) that society's catagorization is ACTUAlly insignificant to the automotic self, and we are merely brainwashed to see it as truly important. but heck, leaving a school may be merely an official date, surely we all still feel something.
talked to daryl the other day.. who said perhaps we jus didnt change that much after all. yes we do move from phase to phase, but surely there is a constancy within ourselves. perhaps.
no way i wil ever wear shorts/pants that are higher than my hipbones anytime soon, nor will my hair be that straight again unless i rebond it again.. my shoulders are not as narrow(acording to uncle david, yes well its not my fault i enjoy swimming and working out... :P) i have a waist and hips(no yay)now.. and im probably 80000% fatter. (gotta start that diet soon... or i wont fit into any of the chairs when i go backto singapore.. lols) yeah, i discovered many of my pet peeves, my interests, little itsy things about myself and the people around me that make so much difference. well. unbelievable. i wonder how older people feel.
they probably dont notice it, but singaporeans (forgive me for the stereotype again, but mostly chinese speaking ones)tend to pull out stereotypes and clichely enact it, finding it hilarious. i used to tihnk it was just embarassing and found the chinese channels unbearable to watch.. but now, meh, its all good.
there used to be so many things i feel ashamed of about my culture, the sloppiness, the lack of refinement in many areas, the disgusting stereotypes, u know, the usual things people like me feel. it just frustrated me further aware that i was part of it. yea, that purl syndrome still acts up once in a while.
.. BUT hey, singapore beats dubai in everyway possible ;). hahhaa
another one of those days i wished i could read chinese properly.
*tears* its funny how i spent 3 years with most of those guys, 4 years in that school.. and here i am after 2 years++ sitting in a country 32hrs by plane away taking in the crazy changes. of course, i didnt just watch 4A's little clip... it was enough to make my heart ache and wish those days never ended. the O'levels didnt bother me.. i wouldnt mind going back even if i had to go through all the sweaty afternoons and stress and bad fashion all over again. i watched 4C's too.. all this while remembering how miss neo died while i watch her exchange vows with her at that time brand new husband in the video. i never thought she was that pretty, but really, cliches aside, in her wedding dress, she glowed.
just seeing the girls, the lanky guys, beng, even the people from other classes in the vcd made me realise how much happened AMONGST us all. interweaving threads, undertows of fate. yea, i believe.
we were like little intangible blots of colour of present selves, glittering, pulsing, but inevitably shedded, left behind.
so many of them are either alread enlisted or waiting to go into university after 2 years of JC. sure, i learn in school(now) that society's catagorization is ACTUAlly insignificant to the automotic self, and we are merely brainwashed to see it as truly important. but heck, leaving a school may be merely an official date, surely we all still feel something.
talked to daryl the other day.. who said perhaps we jus didnt change that much after all. yes we do move from phase to phase, but surely there is a constancy within ourselves. perhaps.
no way i wil ever wear shorts/pants that are higher than my hipbones anytime soon, nor will my hair be that straight again unless i rebond it again.. my shoulders are not as narrow(acording to uncle david, yes well its not my fault i enjoy swimming and working out... :P) i have a waist and hips(no yay)now.. and im probably 80000% fatter. (gotta start that diet soon... or i wont fit into any of the chairs when i go backto singapore.. lols) yeah, i discovered many of my pet peeves, my interests, little itsy things about myself and the people around me that make so much difference. well. unbelievable. i wonder how older people feel.
they probably dont notice it, but singaporeans (forgive me for the stereotype again, but mostly chinese speaking ones)tend to pull out stereotypes and clichely enact it, finding it hilarious. i used to tihnk it was just embarassing and found the chinese channels unbearable to watch.. but now, meh, its all good.
there used to be so many things i feel ashamed of about my culture, the sloppiness, the lack of refinement in many areas, the disgusting stereotypes, u know, the usual things people like me feel. it just frustrated me further aware that i was part of it. yea, that purl syndrome still acts up once in a while.
.. BUT hey, singapore beats dubai in everyway possible ;). hahhaa
wow i slept so good last night.. but i think i moved alot unknowingly.. coz i woke up in a position i dont remember being in. haha.. hmm i want to go to the gym but im getting so bored of that placeee... not that im lazy to run or anything.. its just boring!! u know how u want the product of something but the process just toooo boringgg? 40 mins of running gets realllyyy boring after the first 15. :( i should go take up some sport or something.. or i go learn dancing! now, that would be funny.
haha just had breakfast and 2 games of chess with dawne while watching bad music videos. muahahahha i beat her both rounds!!! lols it was fun though.. we keep yelling at each other.. at the tv. :) a very excitable family indeed.
i have decided to be a pain and say "sure, why not" to everything dawne says. :D
DID EVERYONE HEAR? LAURA MY TA SENT ME AN APOLOGY EMAIL!! i cant believe it. just because she mixed me up with the viet girl sitting next to me.. well, we are the only oriental peoples in that class afteral.. *lols* shes so adorable. i tihnk if i ever write anything and need advice for anything english for all my time in york, im gonna go to her. should i reply her? i know i should... but WHAT DO I SAY??!!!! my hotmail window has been open for so long... hahaha..
From: Laura McLauchlan
To: pearle wan hua
Subject: Re: An apolOgy
Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 10:28:11 -0500
Hi Pearle,
I just wanted to apologize for confusing you and An in class two days ago. I
hope I didn't embarrass either of you. You are both good students. Your
essay on Cohen's poem was particularly impressive.
If you talked in seminar it would be helpful to me. Otherwise I get to know
you on paper, but not in the class. I know you have plenty of insights.
Once again my apologies.
Best, Laura
so far i only got this :
Hi Laura,
Don't worry about confusing An and me during class, i know we both didnt take it to heart :).
i am still working my way through the Wasteland. I do not know anything about the WWI and im finding difficulty relating it to the war.
... NNOW what else do i say??!
oh dammits, i owe tod an email with my outline too. *pales*
okok, shower time the study.
oh, btw, i want a coloured grand piano. am considering electric blue, pink, purple, pale green or red. hahaaa
haha just had breakfast and 2 games of chess with dawne while watching bad music videos. muahahahha i beat her both rounds!!! lols it was fun though.. we keep yelling at each other.. at the tv. :) a very excitable family indeed.
i have decided to be a pain and say "sure, why not" to everything dawne says. :D
DID EVERYONE HEAR? LAURA MY TA SENT ME AN APOLOGY EMAIL!! i cant believe it. just because she mixed me up with the viet girl sitting next to me.. well, we are the only oriental peoples in that class afteral.. *lols* shes so adorable. i tihnk if i ever write anything and need advice for anything english for all my time in york, im gonna go to her. should i reply her? i know i should... but WHAT DO I SAY??!!!! my hotmail window has been open for so long... hahaha..
From: Laura McLauchlan
To: pearle wan hua
Subject: Re: An apolOgy
Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 10:28:11 -0500
Hi Pearle,
I just wanted to apologize for confusing you and An in class two days ago. I
hope I didn't embarrass either of you. You are both good students. Your
essay on Cohen's poem was particularly impressive.
If you talked in seminar it would be helpful to me. Otherwise I get to know
you on paper, but not in the class. I know you have plenty of insights.
Once again my apologies.
Best, Laura
so far i only got this :
Hi Laura,
Don't worry about confusing An and me during class, i know we both didnt take it to heart :).
i am still working my way through the Wasteland. I do not know anything about the WWI and im finding difficulty relating it to the war.
... NNOW what else do i say??!
oh dammits, i owe tod an email with my outline too. *pales*
okok, shower time the study.
oh, btw, i want a coloured grand piano. am considering electric blue, pink, purple, pale green or red. hahaaa
Monday, January 31, 2005
Covered in sawdust
i thought i was numb.
The fair queen sits indifferently on the icy throne-
as cold as her ivory skin of polish marble.
Her lips so red, so -
I'm tangled up in you, invisible runes tattooed on the walls glowing,
alas, here comes the morning.
- but falling always hurt.
The nymphs have fled.
Inside her ugliness swallows her whole.
In her blackened flesh, she reaches out
with bleeding hands.
Should i turn and leave?
the maggots in her eyes squirm with
life and a sort of reverberating,
almost hypnotizing
energy -
i-
-forgot.
Of angels and demons tunneling into your
dreams, whispering poetry and coaxing
sullen flesh with cool silk and a lover's burning
touch.
A mosaic.
Dark, thick threads, constantly weaving-
crude ropes
- wrapping the fray around your throat.
Hush, just don’t forget to breathe.
Beautiful she is, soft lips pressed against the unblemished smoothness of the sweet plum she
holds
so
delicately
under spring's dusk.
i can almost feel the fire in her hair
scorch my cheek.
I lay broken amongst the ruins.
Why did you have to go?
-purl-
i thought i was numb.
The fair queen sits indifferently on the icy throne-
as cold as her ivory skin of polish marble.
Her lips so red, so -
I'm tangled up in you, invisible runes tattooed on the walls glowing,
alas, here comes the morning.
- but falling always hurt.
The nymphs have fled.
Inside her ugliness swallows her whole.
In her blackened flesh, she reaches out
with bleeding hands.
Should i turn and leave?
the maggots in her eyes squirm with
life and a sort of reverberating,
almost hypnotizing
energy -
i-
-forgot.
Of angels and demons tunneling into your
dreams, whispering poetry and coaxing
sullen flesh with cool silk and a lover's burning
touch.
A mosaic.
Dark, thick threads, constantly weaving-
crude ropes
- wrapping the fray around your throat.
Hush, just don’t forget to breathe.
Beautiful she is, soft lips pressed against the unblemished smoothness of the sweet plum she
holds
so
delicately
under spring's dusk.
i can almost feel the fire in her hair
scorch my cheek.
I lay broken amongst the ruins.
Why did you have to go?
-purl-
Saturday, January 29, 2005
i swear i have done this before.. but DAMMIT im bored.
1. Full Name: pearle law wan hua
2. What colour pants are you wearing right now? no pants.. lol
3. What are you listening to right now? my own typing
4. What are the last 4 digits of your phone number? 6428
5. What was the last thing you ate? rice
6. If you were a crayon what colour would you be? red?
7. What is the weather right now? i have no idea.. havent been out.. *sobs*
8. Last person you talked to on the phone? hammy
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex: built, face
10. Do you like the person who sent you this? erms.. not really. lol
11. How are you today? fluctuating moods. pretty depressed.. now just bored.
12. Favourite drink? water.. milk
13. Favourite alcoholic drink? nil
14. Hair colour? brown
15. Eye colour? dark brown
16. Favourite colour? red :)
17. Do you wear glasses or contacts? both.. prefably contacts
18. Siblings, and their ages: bro-22 sister 15
19. Favourite month(s): late spring.. summer and early fall
20. Favourite foods: fat kids eat everything.
21. Last movie you watched? shawshank redemption.. again.
22. Favourite day of the year? mmm none really..
23. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes
24. Most outrageous sex: mmm.. dont know :S hahahaa
25. First time: for what may i ask?
26. Summer or Winter? summer, u moron
27. Hugs or Kisses? Both... but only from hammy :)
28. Relationships or One Night Stands? depends on the point of my life where im at. right now.. relationships.
29. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate!
30. Do you want your friends to write back? mmm suree
31. Who is most likely to respond? no one! hahaa
32. Who is least likely to respond? everyone!
33. What books are you reading? currently no books.. but im reading T.s. elliot's The wasteland.
34. Dream vacation: somewhere hot and nice.. my mood is usually best when im constantly comfy... THIS WINTER IS KILLING ME!! AND MY MOODS! AND.. everything.. like every other winter. bah.
35. What's on your mouse pad? an ugly smiley face
36. Favourite Board Game? erms.. dont know.... ahhahaa
37. What are you doing tonight? complain about my burning eyes.. maybe read the bible and perhaps chat.. thats it.
38. What is your favourite smell? fruity, fresh, soapy, flowery light smells.
39. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? unfortunately not.
40. Buttered, Plain, or Salted Popcorn? mmm buttered. hahaha
41. Dream job: prestigious writer/ something important in the fashion industry
42. Favourite car? none.. ahha.. i want a mini NOW. NOW!!
43. Favourite flower? dark red roses.. and anything else BRiGHT coloured.. but i still tihnk flowers are overrated.. how do diamonds sound? ;)
44. How many keys on your key ring? 2
45. Can you juggle? no. hah
46. Favourite day of the week? fridays
47. Red or white wine? white.
48. What did you do for your last birthday? the beach!! and then morning at unionville... har har.
49. Lifetime goals? too many
50. What is the first thing you think of when you get up in the morning? why i cant sleep longer and hammy. :)
1. Full Name: pearle law wan hua
2. What colour pants are you wearing right now? no pants.. lol
3. What are you listening to right now? my own typing
4. What are the last 4 digits of your phone number? 6428
5. What was the last thing you ate? rice
6. If you were a crayon what colour would you be? red?
7. What is the weather right now? i have no idea.. havent been out.. *sobs*
8. Last person you talked to on the phone? hammy
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex: built, face
10. Do you like the person who sent you this? erms.. not really. lol
11. How are you today? fluctuating moods. pretty depressed.. now just bored.
12. Favourite drink? water.. milk
13. Favourite alcoholic drink? nil
14. Hair colour? brown
15. Eye colour? dark brown
16. Favourite colour? red :)
17. Do you wear glasses or contacts? both.. prefably contacts
18. Siblings, and their ages: bro-22 sister 15
19. Favourite month(s): late spring.. summer and early fall
20. Favourite foods: fat kids eat everything.
21. Last movie you watched? shawshank redemption.. again.
22. Favourite day of the year? mmm none really..
23. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes
24. Most outrageous sex: mmm.. dont know :S hahahaa
25. First time: for what may i ask?
26. Summer or Winter? summer, u moron
27. Hugs or Kisses? Both... but only from hammy :)
28. Relationships or One Night Stands? depends on the point of my life where im at. right now.. relationships.
29. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate!
30. Do you want your friends to write back? mmm suree
31. Who is most likely to respond? no one! hahaa
32. Who is least likely to respond? everyone!
33. What books are you reading? currently no books.. but im reading T.s. elliot's The wasteland.
34. Dream vacation: somewhere hot and nice.. my mood is usually best when im constantly comfy... THIS WINTER IS KILLING ME!! AND MY MOODS! AND.. everything.. like every other winter. bah.
35. What's on your mouse pad? an ugly smiley face
36. Favourite Board Game? erms.. dont know.... ahhahaa
37. What are you doing tonight? complain about my burning eyes.. maybe read the bible and perhaps chat.. thats it.
38. What is your favourite smell? fruity, fresh, soapy, flowery light smells.
39. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? unfortunately not.
40. Buttered, Plain, or Salted Popcorn? mmm buttered. hahaha
41. Dream job: prestigious writer/ something important in the fashion industry
42. Favourite car? none.. ahha.. i want a mini NOW. NOW!!
43. Favourite flower? dark red roses.. and anything else BRiGHT coloured.. but i still tihnk flowers are overrated.. how do diamonds sound? ;)
44. How many keys on your key ring? 2
45. Can you juggle? no. hah
46. Favourite day of the week? fridays
47. Red or white wine? white.
48. What did you do for your last birthday? the beach!! and then morning at unionville... har har.
49. Lifetime goals? too many
50. What is the first thing you think of when you get up in the morning? why i cant sleep longer and hammy. :)
"the tears come down, not like rain, but like blows.
homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing."(80)
"... about the elusive nature of love, the impossibility of ever having someone so completely that he can fil up the hole, the gaping hole that for me right now is full of depression. i understand whypeople sometimes wnat to kill their lovers, eat their lovers, inhale the ashes of their dead lovers. i understand that this is the only way to posess another person wtih the kind of desperate longing that i have.."(215)
suprise suprise, from prozac nation - elizabeth wurtzel
what happens when you never feel entitled to feel that way?
.....
gawd my loathing of china increases everyday.. flipping useless countrry with too many annoying babaric people. the only reason why they are getting powerful is not because they have anytihng to be proud of bu because of their disgustingly growing population and increasing wealth. thank heavens my grandmommy(daddy's side) got out of that piece of crap soon enough.. or i wil do the world a favour and kill myself the moment i understand where i am. a woman was beaten to death for stealing milk powder!! and it was ony what, 4bucks? for the love of god, someone beat the crap out of those culprits.. break some ribs and hopefully their pelvises too.. for greater pain.. then slit their throats and hang them out to drip dry in public. i would gladly administer the cutting of throats. actually.. count me in for everything.
yes, i am indeed extremely prejudiced and ignorant.
you what else pisses me off? magazines with men in them saying how being un-confident is the greatest turn off of all.. oh comon. lets watch you feel sexy 24/7 with a ton of cellilute, wrinkles, a horrible job, minimal education and cheap clothing. lets watch u feel sexy when uhave no money to offer any girl a decent night out. lets see you feel even hotter when your best friend is a serial seducer..while u stand on the sidelines and watch, with your chubby/practically emanciated hands in your threadbare pockets. reverse psychology doesnt work dumbasses.. insercure women spend their lives struggling with themselves only to have u tell them in their faces their petty internal torment is ALSO unattractive. not everyone can be your next-door-star. of course confidence is sexy.. dURH, but i don condemm u for being insecure.? perhaps it IS a hurdle to get over to reach your full potential.. but surely someone will love you anyway. trivial/unbelievable as it is.. there are always reasons for someone to feel inferior.
haha just realised my blog doenst really inform readers about whats going on.. and is just filled with my whimsical and insignificant rants. ha, pathetic indeed.
sigh, i wish i can makemyself sleep for 20 hours a day. spares me of myself so much more. my eyes have been teary the whole day and i got the sniffles :( im not even sick. just bloody depressed. didnt even go to the gym today.. sighs, and yoga made me nauseous. *gags*
one of the most beautiful paragraphs i read in all my 18 years a few years ago:
"Just before reaching the top he bends to knock the snow off his trousers. In that moment, Norma joyce steps forward. She slips off her mitten and puts her wam hand on his cheek.
"Most people," he says, taking in the odd little girl, "would just say, you've got frostbite" " - A student Weather, Elizabeth Hay
homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing."(80)
"... about the elusive nature of love, the impossibility of ever having someone so completely that he can fil up the hole, the gaping hole that for me right now is full of depression. i understand whypeople sometimes wnat to kill their lovers, eat their lovers, inhale the ashes of their dead lovers. i understand that this is the only way to posess another person wtih the kind of desperate longing that i have.."(215)
suprise suprise, from prozac nation - elizabeth wurtzel
what happens when you never feel entitled to feel that way?
.....
gawd my loathing of china increases everyday.. flipping useless countrry with too many annoying babaric people. the only reason why they are getting powerful is not because they have anytihng to be proud of bu because of their disgustingly growing population and increasing wealth. thank heavens my grandmommy(daddy's side) got out of that piece of crap soon enough.. or i wil do the world a favour and kill myself the moment i understand where i am. a woman was beaten to death for stealing milk powder!! and it was ony what, 4bucks? for the love of god, someone beat the crap out of those culprits.. break some ribs and hopefully their pelvises too.. for greater pain.. then slit their throats and hang them out to drip dry in public. i would gladly administer the cutting of throats. actually.. count me in for everything.
yes, i am indeed extremely prejudiced and ignorant.
you what else pisses me off? magazines with men in them saying how being un-confident is the greatest turn off of all.. oh comon. lets watch you feel sexy 24/7 with a ton of cellilute, wrinkles, a horrible job, minimal education and cheap clothing. lets watch u feel sexy when uhave no money to offer any girl a decent night out. lets see you feel even hotter when your best friend is a serial seducer..while u stand on the sidelines and watch, with your chubby/practically emanciated hands in your threadbare pockets. reverse psychology doesnt work dumbasses.. insercure women spend their lives struggling with themselves only to have u tell them in their faces their petty internal torment is ALSO unattractive. not everyone can be your next-door-star. of course confidence is sexy.. dURH, but i don condemm u for being insecure.? perhaps it IS a hurdle to get over to reach your full potential.. but surely someone will love you anyway. trivial/unbelievable as it is.. there are always reasons for someone to feel inferior.
haha just realised my blog doenst really inform readers about whats going on.. and is just filled with my whimsical and insignificant rants. ha, pathetic indeed.
sigh, i wish i can makemyself sleep for 20 hours a day. spares me of myself so much more. my eyes have been teary the whole day and i got the sniffles :( im not even sick. just bloody depressed. didnt even go to the gym today.. sighs, and yoga made me nauseous. *gags*
one of the most beautiful paragraphs i read in all my 18 years a few years ago:
"Just before reaching the top he bends to knock the snow off his trousers. In that moment, Norma joyce steps forward. She slips off her mitten and puts her wam hand on his cheek.
"Most people," he says, taking in the odd little girl, "would just say, you've got frostbite" " - A student Weather, Elizabeth Hay
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