"the tears come down, not like rain, but like blows.
homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing."(80)

"... about the elusive nature of love, the impossibility of ever having someone so completely that he can fil up the hole, the gaping hole that for me right now is full of depression. i understand whypeople sometimes wnat to kill their lovers, eat their lovers, inhale the ashes of their dead lovers. i understand that this is the only way to posess another person wtih the kind of desperate longing that i have.."(215)
suprise suprise, from prozac nation - elizabeth wurtzel

what happens when you never feel entitled to feel that way?

.....

gawd my loathing of china increases everyday.. flipping useless countrry with too many annoying babaric people. the only reason why they are getting powerful is not because they have anytihng to be proud of bu because of their disgustingly growing population and increasing wealth. thank heavens my grandmommy(daddy's side) got out of that piece of crap soon enough.. or i wil do the world a favour and kill myself the moment i understand where i am. a woman was beaten to death for stealing milk powder!! and it was ony what, 4bucks? for the love of god, someone beat the crap out of those culprits.. break some ribs and hopefully their pelvises too.. for greater pain.. then slit their throats and hang them out to drip dry in public. i would gladly administer the cutting of throats. actually.. count me in for everything.

yes, i am indeed extremely prejudiced and ignorant.

you what else pisses me off? magazines with men in them saying how being un-confident is the greatest turn off of all.. oh comon. lets watch you feel sexy 24/7 with a ton of cellilute, wrinkles, a horrible job, minimal education and cheap clothing. lets watch u feel sexy when uhave no money to offer any girl a decent night out. lets see you feel even hotter when your best friend is a serial seducer..while u stand on the sidelines and watch, with your chubby/practically emanciated hands in your threadbare pockets. reverse psychology doesnt work dumbasses.. insercure women spend their lives struggling with themselves only to have u tell them in their faces their petty internal torment is ALSO unattractive. not everyone can be your next-door-star. of course confidence is sexy.. dURH, but i don condemm u for being insecure.? perhaps it IS a hurdle to get over to reach your full potential.. but surely someone will love you anyway. trivial/unbelievable as it is.. there are always reasons for someone to feel inferior.

haha just realised my blog doenst really inform readers about whats going on.. and is just filled with my whimsical and insignificant rants. ha, pathetic indeed.

sigh, i wish i can makemyself sleep for 20 hours a day. spares me of myself so much more. my eyes have been teary the whole day and i got the sniffles :( im not even sick. just bloody depressed. didnt even go to the gym today.. sighs, and yoga made me nauseous. *gags*

one of the most beautiful paragraphs i read in all my 18 years a few years ago:
"Just before reaching the top he bends to knock the snow off his trousers. In that moment, Norma joyce steps forward. She slips off her mitten and puts her wam hand on his cheek.
"Most people," he says, taking in the odd little girl, "would just say, you've got frostbite" " - A student Weather, Elizabeth Hay