been reading today's lecture notes about karl marx.. who believes in the potentiality of a human to be complete -to become an intellectual HUMAN BEING. the only hinderance is nessecity, shortage -our BIOLOGICAL BEING.

although the lecture had only everything to do with economics and i might just be halucinating, but i sense some sort of resentment toward the earthliness(is there such a word?) of a person.. the fact that needing to eat, prevent illness, poo, and die is degrading, an embarassment almost. maybe i just read too much. maybe i idealise too much.. but i DO feel the disdain.

true pefection(to me)never really had anything to do with having the ideal car, the ideal jeans, the best hair. rather.. its about being so unreachable, so distant, so pristine that betrays nothing practical, nothing biological.. absolutely unburnded by anything, anyone, yet so powerful... and all its sexuality is merely radiation of an inward energy. but of course, if i do use this particular word in an every-day context, the meaning changes... to an every-day one. obviously.

perhaps this is a reason why i loathe my own existence so. especially what i need to maintain it. i see now why preachers used to burn books.. and what plato said about inappropriate/useless/romantic/bad literature/any influence corrupting the mind. tsk tsk.. i should have been born earlier and kept in the castles.. haha

omg the issue of feminism haunts me!! nOOO LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE!! i know i am not alone in feeling this.. which probably lead to many extremist behavior, like shaving their hiar off, refusing to shave their legs, wear skirts, shave their armpits, etc.. u know, straight butches, if u want to stereotype.. weLL!! im stupid.

i DO know i dont have to behave "like a girl".. and the fact that i am one pisses me off. and me being pissed off at being a girl perplexes me. and i dont even care if im a boy or not!! im just pissed off simply coz i am what i am! i despise the way i DO conform, succumb(whatever u want to call it) to the "petty"(perhaps???) side of society and not have the courage to actually do something. like really, what can i do though? "modern" LIFE itself is based on racism and sexism ANYWYAS! excuses, excuses.. if i was truly creative i probably think of something.. hahaa. u WILL think im retarded because.. DURH i AM SUPPOSEd to be like that anyway.. but im ashamed for enjoying my success in filling the behavioral cookie cutter. y'know what im sayn'?

prolly not. hahhaa. so pathetic. but no, im still gonna be the way i am.. like what everything tells me to.. embrace it all! with a dab of lipgloss and a spring in my step. *rollseyes*

sighs, and the sad part is.. i do exactly just that. *looks at my tiny pots of glittery lipgloss*

well.. im done reading my notes.. will study tomorrowww... after gym and while waiting for a vroom vroom home... i blog too much and type too fast. and i chat online to much.. dodoos

*blows smoochies for hammy* nite nite