now that we have come to the end of 2005, i will do the cliche of making a list.

who would have thought:
- i would be driving people around with a licence
- i am able to talk to strangers without any qualms when i am in the mood
- i find soft snow flakes on a not so cold morning pleasant
- i would succumb to wearing heels for more than 2 hours for the sake of vanity
- i would enjoy shovelling snow as the cold numbs me inside and out
- i would have to beg someone to love me the way i thought i should be
- i would make more friends in sg more than in canada while being in canada
- i would still be lonely
- i could work almost everyday for long and tiring hours at a sales job without breaking down so far
- working distracts me from my emotions, which then allows the illusion of rationality. or maybe engaging in the mainstream society is rationality?
- i would hate life and the world this much.
- i would love and want this much and not get it back
- i would find shopping as pathetic and superfiial consolation that ends up making me feel like shit anyhow
- i would still spend endless days alone, and still feel the impact of it
- i would bring in dough!
- i would realise i might never have you, nor everything i want

.. to be continued.

i think you might be right, ronald, to say that im cursed.

cursed to either be stuck with someone i totally do not want to be stuck with, or wanting to be stuck with someone i cant have. at least, never in the present.

but sometimes i cant take the waiting.

what can i say. i do not regret anything. i would not say i would swap this hurt for moving on from one empty relationship to another, which i know i would do if i hadnt been truly stolen. the cliched search for the worshipper, the friend, the worshipped. the person i would clip wings on.

did i make a mistake u ask? perhaps i did, to have knowingly put myself in this position, and anticipating this explosion that nevertheless took me by suprise. maybe its my own fault that i cry hot tears of frustration so freely, my fists clenched so angrily like a disgruntled child who did not get what she wants, out of desperation, overwhelmed by disappointment. maybe it was my fault this was foreseen and i did nothing to prevent it. i cannot even deny my previous urge to give myself insurance, to hesitate and save myself. but i gave in one and a half years ago. what would i be if i had not?

i hate being held away at a distance because of inevitable reasons. i always hated not being in control, not completely understanding, to not be completely understood. nothing to do to fill up the gapping hole but to embrace my irrational emotions and simply cry. helplessly like a girl. the one indulgence i gave up fighting at moments like these.

often i wonder if i am meant to just collect promises, glowing stars i hold close and never get to redeem them. i only hope. maybe one day you wont have to leave me the way u did on those crazy summer mornings, rainy fall afternoons, yesterday, the day before, this evening, sighing, alone, loneliness annouced by a dramatic hush of silence that falls. sometimes even to hear u didnt want to after 6 hours no longer hold consolation for the damage already done.

i am still waiting. forgive me if i become a girl once in a while. this searing abandonment has yet to leave, distractions are hard to find here and loneliness does take some time to get used to.i guess i have to start picking up the pieces from the bottom again.

Catalyst - Anna Nalick

L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go
There's something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home
So you've taken these pills
For to fill up your soul
And your drinking them down with cheap alcohol
I might be inclined to be yours for the taken
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
Cuz my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see

You'll be the thing
You'll be the pain
You'll be the star
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, oh god
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the thing
You'll be the pain
You'll be the
Catalyst

These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go

...

i dont know where i am going.

...

i admire the truly self absorbed. i am one of them i know, the world revolving around my own selfish pain, sucking everything into a blackhole. believing the world has my heart chained and wrapped barbed wire, dragging it along the ground as it moves in a way i cannot comprehend.

i admire the ones who truly believe in the face value, the ones who party and drink and shop endlessly, with bonds held significantly by those activities itself, and find that their lives are full. those who believe the world moves with purpose, that everything we do isnt written in ash from the burned souls. the ones who can only talk about themslves, insist everyone cares and their stories relevant and important. those who believe the lousy cliche that "actions speak louder than words".

they both work in parallels dont you think?

i
am
defeated.

i guess you will never feel what i feel.

Winter
The beginnings of frosted windows, breaths plumes of vapor against the grey skies, and numb, chapped lips. Constantly fleeing from the merciless winds that make me forget how to live. Ice crystals in my wet hair early in the morning at the bus stop as I watch you look away.
Days that begin too late and end too early.
Long nights I crave and pine for the warmth of your skin. Just for you to be close enough.

Tears
from the sky. Snow flakes plummeting and rushing into my reluctant face.
Tears overflowing messily and continuously from my eyes.
Today, my heart can only hold so much.

Superheroes
You are my superhero. The one with flames at your finger tips, thorns in your eyes, wine and knives in your words, and in the sound of your leaving.
Superheroes fight the battle of good versus evil. Beowulf swam for weeks in the sea, receiving torques of gold and honorary goblets of mead.
Good princes fight dragons with emerald scales and glowing eyes, and scorching breaths.
I am not good. Nor am I evil. Why do I feel like I am fighting to find you?

Why
the overwhelming desire to share the dull agenda of daily life?

Ordinary
Normal, usual, same, sane, accepted, understood, unafraid.
I never mean it when I say I am just an ordinary girl. I may look like one, but they are the lucky ones.

"I would like to think that what we have could exist outside of real time, that it could be a thing apart and not invade. Foolish and dangerous thinking. It has already invaded every part of my life" - Anita Shreve, The Last Time They Met.

im stupid, obsese and ugly. why would anyone care? maybe i do deserve being the way i am. maybe i do deserve to spend the whole of my life in tears, angry, jealous, depressed, skeptical, cynical. maybe i deserve to loathe myself the way i do. maybe i am going to spend the whole of my life self conscious and then angry that i am self conscious. maybe i am going to spend the rest of my life pinning. maybe i will always be lonely and misunderstood. not that being understood will make me less angry. i will still be angry that i am the way i am.

maybe i deserve to spend my whole life watching the clock. waiting for something to happen. something that would make me forget the time.
all
i
am
doing
is
waiting for you.

"I envy everyone. I feel I don't deserve any of what little I have. I wonder when I came to hate myself so much. I envy people that can go around ignorant to everything. I envy the perfect plastic people that I will never become a part of. I envy happy people. I envy people that don't want to die, and haven't had to consider dying as their best option for future happiness. Was it all worth it in the end? Is it ever worth it? Is anyone ever truly happy?"

" i didnt get along with my parents either, but at least i didnt know anything better or anywhere else, except the bloody icy playground and streets around my home. But Zulma? she talked of beaches and blue sea, sunshine and coconut trees, and days being so hot the asphalt would melt, and a gran who thought she was the most important person in the world. If i were in her shoes i would have gone mad, or maybe run away, but she didnt. At least she had me" - Harriet's Daughter, Marlene Nourbese Philip

thats what friends are for

maybe i will never understand the words, the intoxication and ecstasy you hold obliviously in your hands. maybe you wouldnt. But i will never forget.

you are my everything.

its been a long time since i blogged. seems like i never really had the time nor the energy to. the past weeks have been occupied by essay writing.. searching for comfort amongst the endless and yet familiar corridors of york campus.. the nagging reluctance to drag myself to work where i would smile and talk with false confidence... all in the drowsy cloud of the lack of sleep, emotions, insecurities and urges that tug and pull at obligations, the descend of faltering warmth, falling leaves, black coffee fumes at 6 in the morning, my headlights flinging beams of light forward into the grey.

the same old.

thoughts fill my mind. i just cant seem to write them down. yet. perhaps.

just some funny pictures me and dawne took today.

"this sense of disjunction between them seemed stronger than ever to him, a saddness. it seemed to come out of the ground, out of the damp hay and blossom scents, out of the brances of new leaves: a saddness and yes, a sense of deepening vulnerability. like a trapeze artist, he had abandoned his swing to throw himself into the air towards her. He had to be sure her hands were there to catch him. Perhaps, he wondered with a kind of terror, she was warning him off love in an attempt to get him back to her perch. But it was already too late. He was tumbling through the air, his arms outstretched, his hands open." - The Island walkers, john bernrose.

what a gorgeously sad paragraph.

i really should stop reading random books instaed of doing my homework. for the past 3 or 4 days i have been read about 5 novels.. 2 of which i read twice, not counting On the Road for my essay. like woh. havent done that in a while.

im deprived of attention. :( im like those pathetic miserable toddlers sitting sullenly at the corner of the daycare feeling anti social and tired of tryin to get attention instead of having it come to me. hmph. :..(

maybe i really should pick up tv for good. at least it talks to me without me having to prompt.

aww _@*_)($#@$@ i got work tomorrow.

why does everything i do in life feels like a bloody obligation and all i feel is just so effin tired.

i crave bubble tea. winter melon red tea with aloe vera :( i SULK.

I SULK. :(

"You're an academic.

"Not even close. Academics follow a train of thought. They specialize. i see a book on dressage or beekeeping or Elizabethan footwear, and i have to check it out. I'm not a gourmet, i'm a glutton. It's a sickness."" - Balloon, Tim Wynveen

the anarchy of desire.

a very weird thing to think about in the shower but yes, i was thinking about the little letter a professor from Queens university being disappointed in her white students who would become racist and everything politically incorrect and indignified at the drop of a beer keg. wonderful for someone to be so passionate about her work, i thought as i inhaled the yummy sweetness of my shampoo.

then i thought, in her sense, being dedicated to her work would mean passion for intellectual material, education. which i have come to convince myself is merely like what the ancient greeks said knowledge was - a way to conquer the body. AND then it lead to the thought of how ironically it is the most educated, most composed and rational that suddenly decides to fling caution(so only certain extents, funnily enough) to the wind and celebrate sensuality.

poems, music, stories, actions, broken rules, morales then gush from this stream of thought.

then at moments where a person is stripped of the educated consciousness, all has gone to hell.

hmm. how ironic.

well, whatever.

today, i have been abused and vandalised and trapped in a hideous cement cage. in other words, given burises for saying im flubbery(which is true. i feel terrible about it too), drawn on really nicely with a blue pen and sat in the worst plastic creaky chair ever made for mankind at scott library for 5 hours almost. needless to say, i got depressed within the first 1.5 hours. sorry hammy, i've been so depressed lately it probably bothers you as hell. MWAH.

silence and frustration just jumbles itself up deep deep inside and u feel so heavy. your arms and legs and brain slows down and all u know is you are going crazy. everything is nothing and nothng is everything. everything you misunderstand and understand becomes the same.

i think i AM going crazy.

but tonight im ok. i'll dive into the black lines of words laced together by another, kiss my love goodnight, electrionically for now, and dissolve into the dark of unconsciousness and sleep.

its not that early anymore afterall

about 2 more hours to work.. its quite unhealthy how i count down the hours with dread even if i had 5 hours before i have to wear that hideous shirt and my oversized khakis.. i look like a disgruntled kid drowning in clothing and grumpiness at the store. i shall just pray we dont end at 11 again and that hammy drops by before nine as a good excuse for a break instead of loithering around the mall lookig pathetically sad for 30mins.

lol, oh dont i hate my job. dont take it personally dear sportschek.. i hate every job. anything that exercises my obligation rather than my moods tend to irritate me. predictably of purl, persuading complete strangers(who often think everything is just too darned expensive and should be in a discounted walmart instead) to buy badly mechandized(applies strictly to sportschek) products unfortunately happens to be one big, badly dressed, boring and banal obligation in my book.

-pst, notice the use of words that start with B. lol

its only been about a month and im already threatening my considerably healthy blood pressure to rise. trust me my friends. i would so rather write a 500 word essay than watch time sprint toward 5pm.

well whatever, at least getting through those hours always give me a petty excuse to congragulate myself for being patient, kind and generous with my fake smiles and pretentious enthusiasm to make u spend as much money as possible - the ideal kind of sales person which i am fuly aware i certainly am not. i pat myself on the back and tell myself " hey, although u are already considering the options to escape your current job, you are about to beat your grand goodlife gyms record of 2 months!(they paid me better to be a slacker)". so i guess its a good thing.

besides, that way i dont feel as disgusted with myself for not having time to go to the gym so often. i tell myself at least im doing some form of cardio at work with the constant walking, climbing and carrying of boxes. but damm, im feeling so pudgy. prissy piglety pudgy purl. thats me. havent done regular strength training in so long and i swear i probably cant run up a couple flight of stairs before collapsing on the sides in a flubby heap. i dont care if i can now feel my whole pelvic bone and i dont have to pout to poke heartlessly at my cheekbones with familiar self hatred.. im getting soft :S!! oh good god.

and oh, i forgot, i get crappy pay too. so i guess its all good. maybe after working for 5 months i can go shopping for one day.

oh rats, 1 hr and 20 mins left.(given i take 10 mins to get there)

the unedited ramblings of purl of tonight

the melancholy i exaggerate.

[i]
The artist's somehow narcissistic gift of self exaggeration, the typical amplification of pain and sorrow, joy, love.
Especially the endless echoes of my constant desolation that haunt me
Such a cliche, how dare I mutter such trivial words, my trivial mind
Of which I struggle for individuality, which is simultaneously being copied into another's.
Cycles of disintegrating dignity, integrity.
Both of us sitting silently by the glowing jukebox, enveloped by our own silence
We weren't holding hands I recall
Surely we aren't the same.


How I would allow my own
Alienation, from myself, of course, I still don't know.
Documentation of this internal dialogue, transforming it into something no longer just mine
The ironies of language -
They tell us in school, this education, of the new age phenomenon of the
Constant commodification of my body, my voice, my face, my private thoughts
The words tattooed on my skin, along the temples, along my jaw, etched onto my dry finger tips.
Yet ignored, hidden
We forget how to read. We forget what matters.
Winter is approaching; the leaves fall red like pools of blood at my bare, childish feet
My bleeding heart on my torn, dusty sleeve
Hers, his, theirs.

[ii]
Hatred burns for and within the skin you are in
The repulsive reality of tangible flesh, the glaring obligations to listen to this Absurd artifact of nerve endings.
You are just so tired,
Tired.
Lethargy lulls you into the silent tomb of unconsciousness, the smoldering voidless of everything.

The world and its words. Its pictures and sounds and money that scald and hurt.
You still do not understand how, where, when and why,
These blades that render you voiceless got caught in your throat.
You simply woke up one morning, loneliness and frustration bleeding tears into your lidless eyes, your palms cold and sad.

[iii]
Alas!
It is the exuberance of your love, darling,
that saturates the corners of my mind, my world -
a cliche that finds itself cast aside once so often,
and once more redeemed just the same.

Step in, half stranger, half twin -
so present, yet so elusive -
and hold me.
Allow me to tumble into your strange and familiar embrace,
let me fall as prey.
The hunter hidden in your lips and fingertips.
The wilderness of the heart.

[iv]
Repetition, repetition, repetition.
I love you I love you I love you.
The ecstasy and elation that often confuse or awaken.
I keep finding myself falling through the cracks of my heart
into oceans of valium,
orange balloons,
rain,
laughter,
pain,
flames,
you.
I love you I love you I love you.
But I cant find my voice.

- amidst it all
You feel paralysed,
A squashed bug under a shoe.

"When you experience the loss of a beloved, you somehow lose more of that person than you even thought possible. I was prepared to lose my tennis doubles partner, my dinner companion, my sexy girl. But I was not prepared for the exodus of all those other, little Margarets, Margarets I had never even bothered to notice: Margaret checking the mail in just socks, Margaret at the kitchen table eating unwashed grapes, Margaret falling asleep with a book across her face, Margaret leaving her galoshes by the door, Margaret writing long letters that she could never bear to send.

The casualties seemed to go on and on. Just when I thought I was done losing her, I would find yet another way to lose her all over again." - Margarettown, Gabrielle Zevin

havent written a real blog, or anything for that matter, for so long.. as much as i want to, it seems as if i stand in the midst of a cloud of dust. i cannot find the words. nor the energy to string them coherently together. there are so many things i want to talk about. my love, my dispair.. everything. but it just doesnt seem fair.

i seek for inspiration.. searching for and finding beauty in my lover's face, the dry gravel, another's words. yet i cannot separate my own from my churning consciousness. daydreams, reality, hopes find themselves blending into a whirl from which i have yet to pull myself out.

its been so long.

yes, changed my blog... into ANOTER NARCISSISIC ONE! cut me some slack. i love attention. ahhahaaa sure.

lol its always hilarious when my mom wants to buy somethng and my dad grumbles in that funny way of his. his new gardening hobby is funnier!

mm havent been writing lately.. so i decided to sit in my backyard(a.k.a. tan) and write about not writing hoping to get something out. but uh uh. my pen ran out of ink after the 3rd sentence. hahaha.

excerpt from journal (when it was still snowing 05):
"i think im begining to understand and appreciate shared beliefs. its no longer about just keeping things simple, a way out of committment. before, having my beliefs constantly challenged and attacked,i gradually allowed them to suffer some damage and get pushed back, almost forgotten - i became like them.

When hammad(no, we're not breaking up LOL) suddenly entered my consciousness, bring finally a rush of fresh air, i eneded up getting hurt by guns similar to the ones i used. suddenly, i didnt have someone to fight against, someone's words to oppose or ignore. for a while, in the midst of confusion, i understood their pain.

true, i do get tired of hearing "we'll see how things go.." of course moments arise when i realise i want assurance, a promise, something steady, loyal i can clutch in my fingers...
its funny how while thinking of this, my university education manages to insert its little bit in here: the western society has lost many of its traditional mindsets/values, lifestyles. lovers wander amongst one another, dreamless, hopefull, constantly wanting that one person to fill that lonely gap in the crook of their arms late at night. it is almost strange and immoral to blatantly state that we are recycling one another - after being tossed out, exchanged for another recycled individual. funny how we can never love two people the same way either. different stories, complicated, intercepting emotions, those silvers of stolen, private memories float about above us, around us, in us, trascending us.

also, ideals plague us all, the perfect configuration of a person, expectations, rules, scars - all these dreams so different, yet so alike, converging only to have us behave like travellers, everyone of us, reaching for that hand that would hold ours forever.

but with each day, the likelihood of that decreases. even the words of my love smoulders my faint, pulsing hope i almost shamefully hide. i used to get hurt when he speaks of a future evidently dis-cluding me. but i dont want him to lie either. i would have told him to pretend he wouldnt let this go, the way i can easily gratefully and thankfully confess the same. but i dont want him to lie. my vulnerability shimmers as it sits in his oblivious hands.

maybe its our age, the uncertainty and opportunities that line themselves up so endlessly before us. who knows when things may change. i stare enviously at friends who confidently call their loves their "other halves", "laogong", etc. i always thought it was somewhat vile and pretentious, overtly sappy. but thats not my point. is that false consolation? an illusion of absolute assurance? will i be fooled? will i beleive its real and watch it materialize? the only times i briefly let someone call me that never really gave me all that.

then again, there is that "Dont go for what you need, go for what you want" mentality. is that pure irresponsibility, irrationality, or following the heart and private instincts? what responsibility anyway what instincts?

strangers milling around a large square, a rose in hand, damp with tears and blood, doused in perfume, beer and cocaine. what are we to do? what am i to thnk and feel? how do i express this? who will want ot listen?

"baby you're everything i want and need right now" - why right now? why cant people grow together? since when did life and love become periodized, sorted into coherent phases, with labels slapped onto the surface of the glass bottle? does this make it better? simpler?

i cannot claim to be ready for lifelong love.. nor can i say i am not. who is to tell? how would i know? wanting stability and loyalty doesnt mean the person you want it from is willing/ready to give it to you. i am not the type to nudge or push somone into feeling or wanting the same thing i do either. who am i to do so - with only my own personal/private experiences and the other person his own? must i ask for assurance?

i don't want to. neither doi want to settle with knowing i will never find it. and i never want to pretend that i am sure to find it either. as much as i long to take so many things for granted, i dont want ot at the same time. it gives me constant stress, and everyday i almost feel that tangible struggle to maintain everything i am supposed to be, but how else will i learn to value someone?
.
.
.
i always entertained that fairytale that one day i will be loved for everythig i am, hat one day someone will fall to my feet and worship me th way i would fall to his. and now that i found someone getting closer to that, my fear of losing even just one speck huants me.

i always thought being emotional is a sign of weakness, tears only for the confines of your own impenetratable space.. and admitting i am weak doesnt give me closure the way they say being honest to oneself should. rather, it frustrates me that i am nothing like what i want to be. not a perfect person, obviously, but a real, beautifully flawed and raw individual without the hopeless constant hemoraghing core and loneliness that now permanenetly resides in my chest, my lungs, my feet. on good days, with my baby's help i am able to ignore it.
.
.
.
..........

haha, stupid weak and hopeless pearle. who would have thought a person can be this insecure.... even after censorship of some paragraphs. this made me think though.. about then.. and now. ofcourse. now its diffferent. this was written way back.

and yarr... i actualy write like that in my own journal. lols. what a loser

been 4 months and my hairs still soo curly!! even though it prolly grew an inch or more after i permed it! wow. hahaa.. maybe i have curly/wavy hair naturally and the perm jsut gave it a real form... instead of me tryig to comb it neat every day when it was wavy and puffy last time. yay!! i like curly hair! not ron type obviously. but nice curls! heheee *mwah* for bummmm

been so lazy. i need to get fit!! bleargh! hahaa... a hard body is so nice to have and i hate my legs!! argh!! *snores and stuffs cake into mouth* hahaaa... dododooo.. feel like going to the library. that thick book is impossible to read. simply because its farrrrr too thick and it weighs more than a kilogram im suree... holding it will give my biceps definition.. but only 1004 pages. hmm. these people should make such books paperbacks with lighter pages. then i will read.. lols.

ok ima goo! then come home find the ts-elliot poems and off to school i go~

why does my heart feel so sad - moby

...............

Strangely this morning my thoughts drifted to Daryl, prompted by the memory of us at age 14, running across hougang swimming complex wooping, not one bit body conscious, soaking up rays and the chlorinated water. Our brother-sisterly relationship was more or less like mine with Patrick. Back in highschool he called me babe(stil does), people who didn't know us lumped us together, pictures we took together at prom were ridiculous but looked more fitting than those I took with my date. we (still)share the cynical yet hopeful and hopelessly romantic view of life and love, and the enjoyment of midnight club hopping, if not for the wandering amongst unfamiliar bodies with the flashing neon lights and thumping music.. only I hand out my free drinks coupons while he chugs beer with the other guys. we proclaimed each other similarly charismatic and special while graduating from holy innocents, then hardly ever saw each other again, except for that one day he was the first to slip that silvery necklace around my neck, give me a hug and tell me to take good care minutes before I stepped onto the plane which, with the tears pouring from my eyes, would change my life forever.

I don't know why I thought of him. he didnt play a big role in my life, not even the slightest crush happened. We were strictly platonic.. and for the past 3 years, the only times we met were completely accidental. I don’t even miss him that much, I am not even sure what friend status to give him.. yet that one memory persists.. 2 boys(ron was there too) and 1 girl, hovering near the peak of full blown adolescence, so simple, so confused, our awkward voices rising clear and strong toward the blazing Singaporean sun.

Then there was bengimin lam ke wei. My first friend and neighbor in charlton. The strange skinny darkskinned boy who taught me how to swing from one monkey bar to another with no effort.. and taught me how to swear. and who shared scraped knees and obnoxious bruises from recklessly jumping on miniature skateboards, whacking each other with wooden sticks when we play fight and while performing ridiculous stunts on his painful looking porch, where I hung out for most of 1996. and the funniest thing was, we had to tell people we were cousins to ward off fishy suspicions.

Then we drifted apart toward the end of primary school, as I leaned toward my books and slightly more passive and subdued friends like Patrick, cedric, kenny and thh. We still met up for soccer once in a while, still yelled at each other from our own houses, held up that slowly fading friendship until secondary 3, where I finally joined the pompous studious snobs "up there" while he drifted to the normal-technical stream.. had to be sent to behavioral school.. got fixed up and became some wushu bigshot and despite STILL being in the same secondary school, our lives twisted and grew in different directions, and then our friendship finally broke down when he moved away. No more looking out the window half expecting him to wave. I finally got him on my buddys list on msn a year ago.. but that was also the last time we spoke in so many years.. albeit electronically. I wonder how he is doing.

And his best friend, Justin. The one who would wear socks abd sprinkle talcum powder on smooth flooring to slide around to the song Mr. Bombastic, made popular by that levis commercial on tv. the three of us we so close during primary school. And I would partake in every boyish activity they had. Climbing trees, water guns. The most amusing thing about Justin is that.. two years after we lost touch, he came to be the character in my idiotic smoker boyfriend story I would tell to others for a laugh. Despite all the rehabilitation, conversion to Christianity and juvenile arrests, he didn't change. There was one redeeming thing though, he would call at 3am in the morning while he was out fishing, and sing to me while I nodded off. How cute. Im curious if ben still has those infamous sleepovers at justin's mansion. I would suspect so. They were wonderful friends. I was the reject, the goody two-shoes who did her homework and picked up a different lifestyle, somewhat more complex than the one I had at 12.. all I can do now is smile.. for them.

Karen. How can I ever forget Karen.. the eccentric little girl who saw herself as more mature than everyone else around us.. but she was my best best buddy in Charlton. I do not really know what to speak of her, except for my constant incredulity of her reluctance to come run around in the park with us or simply go out.. and insistence of staying in her dark pinkish home all day. But I remember admiring her closeness to her two sisters, tracing pictures cut out from magazines along their shared dresser sitting in an apartment in bedok. She was one to talk behind a person’s back. Prone to gossip and silent anger and jealousy. I heard from someone else she vowed to cut off ties with everyone in Charlton once the PSLE results were in.. which she successfully did. I was not too tramuatised. A lot of politics arose at that time amongst us all at that time.. and I still had thh and other buddies.I wonder how she is doing also.

My oldest friend ever possible. The guy I known since I was 4. Lam hongye. our families were friends, despite different schools and living in different areas.. we remained close all the way till secondary 2. for some reason my entire life took a sharp turn when at the age of 15(secondary 3). there is no way I can forget the Saturdays he spent over at my house, lugging that huge bag of plastic swords and toys behind him. we basically grew up together.. even early pictures with my family had him in it... I temporarily became his parent's daughter(he was the only child).. they took us everywhere, lavished us with unreasonably huge sums of money at amusement parks or arcades. Even as we grew older when we went out while we were still drifting apart, his parents pressed money into his hands, telling him to dress smart and take me out to a nice dinner.

For some reason we just do not talk anymore. Although I am absolutely sure I am not forgotten, having received a little puny msg informing me he now has a gf and is now in the army. But everything else, I don’t know. Funny eh, relationships between people. One minute we were pelting water bombs at each other, mouths wide with laughter, combining our pocket money to buy a bubble gun. The next, over thousands of miles and 3 years after quietly slipping that little bracelet with our two names engraved on both sides into my hands as a goodbye at the airport, we only probably pop up in each other’s minds once in a while when we get nostalgic. Then again, I am probably just more sentimental than he is.

These are not the only friends I had that somehow impacted my life and then disappeared of course. These are the ones who just happen to wander into my mind as I was typing this.
At the same time, im looking at my own life right now, suppressing the anger, sorrow, joy and frustration rising up all at once. Its not nostaligia.. I just miss the friends that have NOT disappeared. I miss how easy it used to be to spend my days, without planning. Days I truly appreciated the rare times I sat alone in my balcony-turned-into-room, reading at my good old huge ass table. I should ask my parents if it is still there in the house.

Sometimes I ask myself why should I feel this lonely. why i have to punch myself to stop feeling so shitty. I have everything I need for now almost. Like what Ronald said : a happy family, pretty well off, big boobs i dont want(lol), an amazing bf who occasionally feels intangible, relatively good social skills, not many friends but receiving life changing education and a car. My life IS supposed to be almost complete.. I should stop picking battles with myself. Bored is good, they say. Bored is safe.

Hadn't I always wanted safe? when then am i taking deep breaths to stop myself from picking this keyboard up and smashing it against the monitor and table?

Desiring Only - P.K. Page

Desiring only the lean sides of the stomach
sagging towards each other, unupholstered...
pass me nothing of love done up in chocolates
or the fat first fruits of the tree
you planted from seed.

Desiring only the bone on the Mount of Venus
and the death rattle caught in the musical powder box...
pass me no hand, then, as offertory,
no, nor sound of your voice.
Keep silent and do not touch me.
Even the air on my face is an effrontery.

Desiring only the bare soles of the feet
pacing triumphantly the ultimate basement...
pass me no thick-carpeted personal contact,
nor little slippers of pity and understanding.

Waking - such goreous imagery

I lie in the long parenthesis of arms
dreaming of love
and the crying cities of Europe

wake to the bird a whistler in my room
and sun a secret.

Light on the bed of air
and buoyed by morning
and easy bugle of breath
projects an echo

while over the difficult room
the brimming wndow
opens the bandaged eyes
to the shape of Asia.

Invalid, I -
and crippled by sleep's illness,
drowned in the milk of sheets
and silk of dreams,
I rise and write the rising curve of day
with mercury of the smashed thermometer
and trouble the silent mirror, who have been
pale in suspension on the oval bed.

u know what pisses me off. when people put a gender lid on everything. like do you really think you are THAT special? bah. thinking men or women independently created the rise of poor sad bachelors, bisexuals, homosexuals, depression, blah blah. lame ass theories. blah blah, we poor sad girls.. men can't be trusted.. they dont understand us.. blah blah, hey fellow sob brothers.. women are too complicated... they can't be trusted. boohoo. SHUT UP. we're just people for god's sake. lay off the stupid superficiality and stop complaining. screw you all. men and women both like fuking each other up. dont sit on your ass and wail collectively about how the opposite sex ruined your life. everyone messes up.

i spent my entire life fighting against stereotypes and now im just tired. i used to argue that pms is no reason to be bitchy.. girl politics are stupid.. the fact that boys should do the dirty work is bullcrap.. that girls must not be too fat. too pumped.. that guys cannot hit a girl.. blah blah blah. i used to believe in mind over body. its so bloody annoying. shut up girl, who gives a crap about your cramps. grin and bear it. guys you want to be macho.. than ACTUALLY BE MACHO. dont FAKE it. its such a lousy flaw. FLAWS. its all about hiding flaws. go ahead get jealous.. just dont BITCH about it.

i bitch about everyone. everyone else bitches about everyone. a cycle of irritating bitching. why is it so bloody hard to find a friend? why must everyone be so pretentious? stop staring at my chest asshole. look at me in the face and talk. and stupid woman stop giving me dirty looks and TALK.

the thing is.. i cant believe i cultivated the same kind of jealousy girls share all around. i cant believe i let myself learn that. how lovely to be oblivious those years back.. when i didnt give a toss about competition. what the hell are we all competing for anyways? attention?! is that it? competition for attention? whats wrong with people these days. the existence of the stupid celebrity world is just pepetuating the harm done to people more than anything else. i cant believe i let myself fall into this pit. like wtf.. say my best friend wears the exact same thing.. or at least not far off(girls like to make sure this happens).. and they get smug like a bloody monkey that you look beter than her. WHAT IS THIS?!

im full of contradictions. i believe in laying out all your cards.. flaws and all.. and at the same time.. tucking the smudged cards under the table. man, i dont know. i hate pretentiousness.. and at the same time.. im one of the most disgsutingly pretentious people when i meet people i dont like or dont understand. vile hypocrisy.

ergh. whatever.

tihnk im gonna go to york early today.. stick my head in the books and get my essay out of the way. hammy i wanna go shopping :(

You And Me Song - The Wannadies ... happy sweet song to start the day!

Always will we find
I tried to make you love
'Til everything's forgotten
I know you hate that

Always will we fight
Kiss you once or twice
And everything's forgotten
I know you hate that

I love your Sunday song
The week's not yet begun
And everything is quiet
And it's always

You and me
Always and forever

Bop bop bop bop bop
It was always
You and me
Always

You tell me I'm a real man
I try to look impressed
Not very convincing
But you know I love it

I know we watch TV
'Til we fall asleep
Not very exciting
But it's you and me

And we'll always
Be together
You and me
Always and forever

its 2 something and i still can't sleep. must be the latte or something...

this whole ego bash between me and steve got me thinking about some other related things.. the concepts of feminity and masculinity. something i find ironic is that feminist extremists resort to displaying masculine attributes in order to make their point of the irrelevency of gender. its just like saying we need women who are like men while saying we don't need men at the same time. it just... doesnt fit to me.

i grew up being taught to sit, dress, eat, talk, walk like a girl who should be attracted to boys - boys who throw rocks and play with guns instead of dolls. girls to be girly. boys will be boys. pink is for girls. blue's for boys. i can't say, despite my inner struggle to choose between fighting or embracing it, that i am not taken by masulinity. although i dislike the bold, neon lines separating feminity and masculinity sometimes, i cannot escape the fact that this arrangement is still most comfortable with me.

the whole time hammy's watch was sitting on my table, i marvel at the contrast between that one thing and all my other stuff. it sat there, far too big for my wrist, metallic, almost symbolic of everything i am and my attraction to certain things. i tell myself i am a strong, independent female mind.. but when i stare at that watch I picked out for him, some weird indentity problems get triggered. how do i explain to myself why very-much=taller, bigger-sized-than-me-men and wonderfully masculine belt buckles and gorgeous suits and cufflinks and that particular series of BMWs appeal to me so, so greatly? how do i explain the irritation i feel when guys tell me its good to be the girlier person i am now? why do i feel so annoyed with myself for succumbing to useless girlish tendencies? then i wonder, if i was against the whole pretending-to-be-like-men deal, shouldn't i be happy im adapting fine to society? its just weird. i cant explain it. i had moments i wanted to pick it up and do what i used to do with my old rings, have that cool metallic iron taste against my tongue.. and at the same time.. im almost relieved to get it off my table.

clarification : i am not saying i only adore the extreme end of the masculine continunm.. boyishness is absolutely endearing to me too. and many other things in between. all im talking about are the supposedly cold, hard lines of masculinity against the supposedly thin, fragile baby lily stems of feminity... and how i feel standing on one side staring over the fence that is gradually getting more and more crowded.

.......... well i guess readers would have had enough of all that by now.. haha.. and noo of course thats not all i tihnk about. been thinking alot about the crazy past couple years. not crazy coz it was overflowing with fun and excitement... but crazy coz of of the things that changed in my life.. events that occurred.. the heartbreaking loneliness.. the tears i practically drowned in. then i fell in love.

excerpt from diary 7/1/05:
"so much has changed. sometimes i wonder if too much has.

i had never really daydreamed spending my eternity with a particular someone, travelling the globe, fighting battles or laughing with a particular someone beside me perhaps until lately.

i feel so ridiculous somehow saying this aloud. i tihnk of lindsay lohan publically proclaiming to the media her intent on settling down early, waking up to her true love each morning and being adored unconditionally. i think of her giddy smile, radiant cheeks, her head obviously in the clouds. i think of her saying this with that smile on her face and how her true love left her a few months after. so young, they say. so naive and silly, at 18 she was. is it really wrong to feel that way?

i fear saying this aloud. i fear the rejection. the blank stares, vacant eyes. mocking lips, anxious distancing footsteps.

i dare not say this aloud. i think of superstition. of the divine. the logically impossible. the sweetness magically evaporating.

maybe i just fear and need too much."

.....

its 3:15am. sigh, i better try to get to sleep.

okok i really should go to the gym.. chubby chubby purl.

look at this gorgeous poem:

PAVEMENT
walking

(barefoot)

down city streets
it is possible
to ignore
the chaos
of modernity

and tap
into a time
wen clad feet
were
undiscovered

return
to your lair
and you will find
your feet

blackened

with the grime
of today

after scrubbing
nothing
will remind
(of you epiphany)

but one
black footprint
in you
white tub

Cassandra Drudi

arrrrgggg its so pretty!! its from the U of T poetry thing. how come york has nothing like that?! psh. so much for encouraging and nuturing talent.

omg another one of them random nosebleeds. IM DYING!! ergh. feel like it anyways.

i dont know what i am talking about... hmms hammy still has an hour of work left.. ill go to the gym at 2something or 3... shower and head to school. bloody school.

was reading another one of them lists where "the ping you felt when you first kissed him" was included as one of the things no one wil ever take away from you.. well i never really understood why the first kiss is so overrated... little kids grow up thinking there will be fireworks in the sky and everything and everyone lives happily ever after. sure, it may be the start of something wonderful and everything.. and the first of anything is usually memorable.. but i always found the intense kiss of a familiar love more powerful. a kiss you share with someone not at the begining, but someone who HAS ALREADY BEEN there, and gave you more reasons that u started with to love him/her.

bah someone with a unfamiliar number called and hung up on me :s

batman begins was really goood!!! was over 2 hours but worth the ass hurting! and i havent watched mrs smith yet. hmms. club monaco has pretty dresses on sale for 79!!! mm. well. i wont get them dont worry. yes hammy, even if its on sale it doesnt mean i have to buy it :). u see.. sometimes i just cant shake off the fact that i am not anyone special really.. and it really doesnt matter what i wear and look like and i cant afford the useless pretty things..and that even desperately willing a mini copper or any car i like to materialize before me to be mine wouldnt ever work.. and thanks to a stupid mirror today i understand why hy used to say i look like a guy from the back. hahaa. meh. see, i still cant come back down to earth. BAH.

mmm i feel sleepy. must be the fan blowing in my face. hmm.. shall sit down quietly and read poetry later. bloody essay comin up. *sobs* i hate essays! moments like these, i must admit.. i wish i stayed on the science path. the dark side is beckoning. hmm.. to think about it.. im proabably one of the rare 4A peoples who became art students.

its funny how i never really talked about my trip back to singapore despite the countless blog entries leading up to it.. i tried.. but u know.. i havent really had words down about the many things that went spining when i went back. things that changed. things that remained the same. people who changed. and people who remained the same. newly forged bonds with people i never thought would be this close to me, reconciliation, old friends who just keep on fading. and people i totally forget and hurt unintentionally. things said. things held in. it was all pretty strange. it was only 2 weeks and a bit.. an everytime i return home.. i anticipate a time i can go back and fit in comfortably with that new understanding of the place i once called home that i had just attained. then again, given the gaps inbetween, i wont be suprised to be suprised. But, like they said i've changed, maybe its just how i chose to see that changed.

u know how there was always an invisible segregation between the different classes and streams back in secondary school(high school).. and its always funny how i stil feel that protectiveness whenever ron kan makes an irritating isolent remark about the people i used to sweat my ass off with in the same room for hours each weekday.. and scenes of violence would play themselves in my head.. then again.. it might just be me finding almost everything he says and does excruciatingly annoying. HOWEVER, people still group each other that way.... " na ge 4B de" or "that normal one".... right?! its weird. damm hierarchical (how do u say it?!) education system. we will probably be 40 and balding and saying that same damm thing during reunions. but i guess it gives us an easier way to remember people we dont want to/bother to/simply just don't remember.

sentiment may be for fools.. but this fool cant help it. i get emotional when i look at my old stuff. sighs. :)

WOW MAKEUP DOES MAGIC!! i just saw this picture of this girl i dont rememeber the name off who was actually quite erm.. plain.. and she looks so gorgeous!! the clear skin, darkened eyes and dyed hair and everything. wows. how come i doesnt do magic to me:(

well i should get changed to go to school.. and find way to hide them bloody zits.

/i lie in bed and listen to
offbeat thump of my heart to
tick - ing of the clock to
creak - ing stairway
hushed voices.
- contained within the distant high pitched scream of silence
emitting from amber and emerald walls.

yellow, they say, is for luck.

green, for the numb - ness that is
s l i d i n g
deep
in
side
of
m
e
.

/eleven.
the ring - ing of the tel e p hone
jolts me from my reverie -
his voice murmers empty words of adoration over the layers of static -
but his
hand i can - not touch.
the cold from the icecube he passes to hot lips for-got-ten.
noiseless tears do not betray
this helpless desperation. urgency. rush. wave. surge.
pain.
- i do not add to the silence anymore.

/isolated.
alone.
nothing.
invisible.
i.
am.
again.
life, they say, becomes an empty big hole.

why, thy love, delicate and sweet, torment me so?

- p u r l -

..........

well its not totally autobiographical..

i think i sorta know why i like garden state that much.. its not an amazing movie with any wonderful effects or anything.. but esp the ending the character natalie portman plays reminds me of myself. i can understand her pleas and that urgency. well i dont know. sigh, i dont know anything.

"Now, watching the moth, maybe it isn't just a matter of faith. Or of hope, or even guesswork. Maybe it's just that certain moths decide to smash themselves to death. Who knows why? Or maybe what’s going on is that the moths dont understand shades of resemblance. To them, if a thing looks enough like another thing, it is the other thing. All lights are the moon. The moth is all over moths and all other moths are the moth. There is one human, and he is everywhere.
There is one human, and he is nowhere." - Barbara Gowdy

........ for the sake of boredom... beckett reminds me of quite extreme alternatives i know i shouldnt do.. hence this lousy piece of a survey

*_YOU_*
1.What Time is it now? 10:06
2.What is your name? eaf;iehdnv
3.Single or taken? taken
4.What does your name mean? i have no bloody idea
5.Who picked out your name? my mom
6.What's your nickname? purl
7.How old are you? 18 going on 81
8.What colour are your eyes? purple
10.What size are your shoes? 6
12.Tall (or short)? short
13.Honestly what do you like about yourself? your mom likes me
14.my talents: getting into a filthy mood within 2 seconds
15.What is your worst quality? sloppiness
16.Phone Number? 416-NEED-A-LIFE
18.Hair colour? yellow
19.Do you wear contacts? they keep me sane.. occasionally
20.Who do you live with? my aunt jodie and her 58 cats
21.Favourite Drink? nestquik choclate thingamagig, milk tea, water, turpentine
23.Favourite month? dont have one. but warmer weather preferred
24.Favourite Food? i eat everything. but i binge when no one's watching
25.Favourite board Game? scrabble. be mortified. be very mortified.
26.Favourite Web Site? howtoblowyourbrainout.com
27.Favorite clothing Brand? anything YOU cant afford.
28.Favourite day of the Year? bah, i dont know
29.Favourite colour? the colour you get when i poke your eyes out
30.Favourite Animal? my aunt's 58 cats
31.Do you have more girl or guy friends? girls give me dirty looks and boys dont give a shit. i dont know.
33.Are your parents together? yes
34.How often do you get together with family? almost every day
36.Anythin special about your parents? plenty
37.Siblings and their ages? dawne 16, brother 25
38.You're a flirt? when your mom's around, yeah.
41.You like someone? yup
42.Can you keep secrets? sure
43.Do you dance in front of the mirror? hoping like a retard counts right?
45.You sing in the shower? no
46.You liked Britney Spears? if her abs meant anything yea.
47.You've liked a cousin? er heck no.
48.You've been in the opposite sexes' bathroom? durh
49.You've seriously hurt someone? sure. dont know
50.You've been hurt seriously? in the brain and in my overactive heart yea
51.You swear? not much. unless you ______ want to start some _______ with me.
52.You get your way? not always.
53.You're willing to try new things? yea
54.You've cheated on a test? long ago yeah
55.You've smoked? nopes

*_RGHT NOW_
57.What are you wearing? stuff i just woke up in
58.What colour is your underwear? cobalt
59.What are you listening to? my own typing and the birds outside
60.How are you feeling? dont know. frustrated?
61.What are you doing? this. stupid.
62.What are you eating? nothing
63.How many people are online? no one i want to talk to.
64.The weather? good. im up for another day of frying.
65.What's on your mouse pad? stupid happy words that make me feel like heaving my entire desk out the window.

......... on second thought.. i think i might just go hang myself

bah, read this list online about the 10 single things a girl should own. so shockingly stupid.. it actually suggests that a girl should own books and music just to IMPRESS the man. *rolls eyes out of sockets* it can kiss my girly ass... i listen to what i want and read what i want to read.. sure i might adapt and evolve accordingly to someone i choose to belong with and compliment... but pSH. i aint buying nothing to put on my shelf as a lie for such a ridiculous and disempowering reason. PISH TOSH! i hate it when girls go all out and do ludicrious things to impress men.. they are supposed to fall at your feet for YOU being YOU! bah, wear those green hooker heels(speaking for myself) and boob job(err.. i quite like the reverse so im referring to general image-obsessed public) and books and sappy genuwine cd(damm right im speaking for myself) for yourself.

got truly madly deeply stuck in my head.. *whistles*

"i was a very happy man when you all were little kids" - daddy, when looking through stack of baby photos sitting on my table. lols... until the little kids grew from adorable critters to awkward weirdos.

sigh, back to shedule fixing... got an essay due on thursday.. *snore*

You and I,
this sweet battleground


i am uncareful.

i am undone. tangled amongst the glowing runes on the wall.

i do things i would never do.


the perfect version of him in me only surges more recklessly each day with

the tremor of my palpitating heart.

the cold has returned. eyes downcast. its me and my marguerite once again.


fly, the time that races with fervent, frantic kisses from plump-red lips to which your fingers

fly to.

fly you, under the warmth of skin of mine - the stumble toward ecstasy.


bare hands

bare feet

bare -


you are colours absitine, amber and red.

you are my life, my breath, my companion to my body, guest in my heart.

you are the fire in my hair.

-p u r l-

deliberate allusions and plagarising.. from myself!! and of course one or two things i have read. im an amateur afterall. i could go on but i tihnk readers would have the creeps that im some obsessive crazy love sick woman... which is bad :) sigh, i love my revamped blogskin, yorkdale and hammy and the unbelievably sexy ferrari he showed me. (lol of course i would need more water if YOu were in that car)

gotta hit the gym tomorrow!!!!gotta get a nice back and arms ready to wear that black top without anything over it and toned legs for my mini!! and yes, of course, that toned tummy for low pants my dad freaks out over whenever i wear em. then im gonna get a haircute/newstyle/trim when the curls flatten out! and revive that nice glowy tan i WAS abt to get and is now slowly losing all the progress with the return of the cold weather on a day before summer officially starts. haha little silly motivations that somehow make me happy in my ultimately pointless life. but i really wonder if anyone really gives a poop. f it. im gonna hand my resume in to starbucks.

tsk tsk, women and the random moodswing.

i found another role model... salma hayek!! shes another popular icon who is not dropdead gorgeous.. but shes such an empowered humanitarian and glamorous with a personality that screams out "i am all woman, take me as i am"!! ahhaa.. models and gorgeous and stylish people can make me go green and purple in the face with jealousy but she is so inspiring. angelina still sits on my altar though. :)

i hope i dont get any bad dreams again tonight.. last nights was quite horrifying i must say. *shudders* i actually woke up feeling UNrested and scared.

hmmmms shall also work on my essay tomorrow.. and then PERHAPS start cutting my fabric for the curtains in the room or start sewing or something. WHATEVER.

"What is he suggesting if it isn’t that attachment interferes with fulfillment?
I think of the emptiness of outer space, and men in their little pods going up there alone, wives and girlfriends left behind. I think of Abel and me lying on the grass, looking up at the stars, and how great that was, but, still, I was always waiting for him to turn his head. To look at me." - The Romantic, Barbara Gowdy.

i am not exactly a fan of love stories.. but Gowdy got me right there. *points to temporarily broken heart*

is she even aware the personas she had created might have reached out to more than she intended? maybe she's right. maybe she hadn't been exaggerating. maybe Isabel Allende isnt either. maybe it is the ego that saves many of us. me, im still teetering on the edge.

its always strange when i stare at pictures of myself when i was a little toddler and find myself unable to connect with that laughing girl with glowy eyes and her two front teeth missing. but when i look closely.. i ache to feel the soft gums in the gap of the two missing teeth, the stiff wool of the ratty stuffed doggy and the rustle of the low quality wet marketplace plastic bag in her tiny hands.
i must have been there. somehow.

everyday you seem a little farther.

due to ronald's contagious/infectious depression about the superficiality of modern mankind/womenkind in the world of celebrity posters and senseless television shows... i am here to express my pent up frustration shared by similarly retarded girls such as i. oprah did it.. many other stupid teenage books have done it.. and here i am again to do it.. simply coz lookig in the mirror and then remembering retarded things and feeling the typical 2005 society's pressure SUCKS ASS everyday.

i still don understand why i even bother TRYING to look good everyday. i mean comon.. no matter what i buy, what i wear.. what i use.. im just gonna be NORMAL. whos gonna notice and give a shit anyways. its like yay i got a new shirt.. SO?? effin idiot.. i look fine. FINE. not like anything i do would make any diference. whats the point of feeling ugly .. no ones gonna notice! even if i feel gorgeous.. IM NOT! pathetic eh. who cares about inner depth anymore. just like howard who got let down... just bring out the bling bling and gorgeous ladies.. everyne else can stay at home, turn on the tele, dig in into the tub of icecream and watch.

ok, so growing up in this age is more hard on the tweens. guys think the only way to be attractive is to be muscled, behaving like little peabrains and have enoough cash to pass around... which actually works.. coz girls flock to these people.. and girls can only hope to attract as much attention as they like by being gorgeous and behaving accordingly. and besides.. face it people.. u might tell yourself people resort to artificial means to make themselves look like that.. but usually they dont. just face it. you are simply not good enough like tha tlike them. yes, naturally.

im not saying i crave the attention or anything.. it just pisses me off. like wtf. why ddont i just tear up my entire wardrobe and give up hopes that i will ever reach my "ideal".. which is obviously, inevitably and in the most pathetic manner, shaped by the media. im frustrated at how much i give a poop about APPEARANCE. i dont want to care how i look in those bloody shoes.. i dont want to worry my legs look exactly like hideous unattractive pig trotters and that pink makes me look like little miss muppet coz im pudgy and short and yellowish.. i dont wnat to sigh at the broadness of my shoulders.. my disgustinly fleshy arms.. the worry of disappearing obliques with the appearance of love handles and ugly not-so-girlyish-feet and my loathesome boobs that get in the way.. its like whats the point of normal lookig women purchasig gorgeous lingerie only to realise that unlike the marketting they look CRAP in it.. and then wonder why you give a shit when you stare at your bf/gf/wife/husband/lover/whatever stare and drool at and fervently defend someone on tv.. your self-esteem then plummets and expectations increase.. when will you ever be good enough for yourself anyways? whats the point of me even getting pissed off sitting here with my stupid blotchy skin and my aching flabby back hunched over my superficially dysfunctional legs.. and i cant beleive i like wearing heels!!! and then complain when i STILL look like shit. WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME!!? AND I GET JEALOUS OF GIRLS ON POSTERS AND EPOPLE I DONT EVEN KNOW!!! so much for not succumbing to stereotypes.. even extremist feminists who actuualy WANT TO FEEL LOVED out there probably struggle with this everyday when they look at their empty calander and boring sensible shoes. then again.. its probably a humankind tradition... ERGH.

stupid shallow women. stupid shallow men. stupid segregation. stupid world. stupid permeable, easily affected, weak, lousy, materialistic, hypocritical me.

there is just something about waking up to an empty, silent house. It fills me with a sense of purposeless purpose and a continuous stream of words that i would fumble with and often drop and forget. The world expands and envelopes me in a comforting silent void that nurses my little slightly cracked lonely core.

i then take a shower, brush my teeth. the typical daily rituals one performs upon a night's slumber, restful and restless likewise. a ritual to officially begin the day with. out of desperation to fill the empty day that lay before me after i finsihed another breath taking novel and letting it sink in, i brought the pants and books i meant to return to H&m and the library respectively.

walking in the mall, i catch my reflection off gleaming surfaces.. my shoulders tensed as always, the quick solemn stride i adopt when im out alone. Who can love me? i still wonder sometimes, staring at myself. these ungainly fleshy limbs attached to its flawed counterparts- the torso, the head, the shoulders - along with all their cumbersome obtuse components i abhor with an unhealthy obession. i know my body does everything for me - i smell, i touch, i hear, i taste - it takes me places, bares me to pain, pleasure, distractions. i ought to love it, yes, i really should. posters and books and tv shows have women shaking their perfectly coiffed hair and manicured nails in the air demanding to be appreciated for everything they are.. inside and out. but sometimes i think they forget, being caught in the small little screen, frozen in time, judged by their shallow words, breathy voices, glowing skin... they are already perfect. they dont have body parts getting in their way, holding them down.. it is exactly the superficiality that is keeping them up and admired... i always wanted to be waif-like, without the repulsive softness surrounding my bones, not so i can strut down runways.. no, im a romantic.. i want to slip into shadows when i want to, be loved like an oread, be subdued and crushed by a lover's embrace.

im a fraud. im all fake, an imposter. constantly i harbour the fear of being caught, of being found out that i am not everyone thinks i am. i'm merely a walking persona.. its pearle who is wearing that skirt, shes the one who is obesessed about fashion and powerful women who inspire her, shes the one writing that essay, buying that dior lipgloss, weaving blogs i somestimes cant identify as mine/hers, shes the one indulging in chocolate, giggling, laughing with that careless abandon - but not me. what if someone finds out im all pretense. i cant possibly look like that, talk like that, laugh like that, triumph that way, fail this way. no, i dont want to be part of those contradictions, the confusion, mixed identities- funny, coz me being this way is part of it. how ironic. sometimes i would just like to think its inevitable, uncontrollable - just not me. just not my fault. i know it is.. but please dont tell me?

to escape. run away. avoid. to detach. ignore. pretend. to be blind. deaf. voiceless.

i read blog entries of people feeling like they are drowing in pools of their own imagination, the whirl pool of pain, the closing up of the heart, the slowing of the feet... with the undercurrent of longing... for a friend perhaps?

this struck me when i read edward's blog, with his need to slow down and shut everything else unfamiliar out. its funny how people move simultaneously to the same currents. breathe, submerge, crash. and take another deep breath. my love, would you hold on to my hand?

another thing that strikes me as funny is how i naturally censor things i put in my poetry and writing. it is my blog yes, but im aware that people do read it and would not like being apalled or grinning a little too smugly at the words i lace together and publish. and of course, i dont think anyone really wants to give themsleves away. not that i scrutinize every word i type...i just, like everyone else, censor it with the "natural" instinct we subconsciously "download" as we grow up... and of course.. i harbour that false hope that one day students would pick out my writing and unpack it merticulously.. to find the hints i tucked carefully in puny gaps, the faintly coloured edges. haha.

was reading "A thousand pieces of Gold" by Ruthanne Lum McCunn about a girl from china who was sold to bandits and then to a brothel and ended up marrying a white guy in the 1880s. it wasnt that well written.. but easy to read.. and for some reason.. i just thought of how,, during the 20th century.. when globalization started going insane, how chinese ladies(actually.. AUNTIES) smugly tell the younger generation that the "superior" white men like asian girls because we are mild-er, dainty-er, exotic-er and sweeter than the "aggressive" white women. it was almost as if i, 5 years old, in my frilly little cinderella dress, was supposed to be proud of this evolution of stereotypes. and while this is going on.. friends of my own *ahem* stare with their mouths hanging open at blondes in a bikini. LOLs. sorry.. or course i am just generalizing and there are so many facets of this issue(not just white peoples of course) that annoy me and although i want to, i shant go on.. coz these things make me roll my eyes out of their sockets :) lols, times like this, i am tempted to join the dark side- my brother's view. lols

anyhoos.. i gotta go textile shopping with my mommy. tons and tons of fun! btw hammy i miss you~

oh i heart you so

"It would be Lewis calling at three in the morning to say, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i never meant to hurt you." As if that made everything all right. As if not meaning to hurt someone must lessen the depth of the pain you had so unwittingly inflicted upon them. As if hurting someone when you hadn't meant to was not a criminal act after all. As if the aftermath ofpain was merely an incidental byproduct, like the unidentifiable remains they stuff wieners in." - Diane Schoemperlen, Language of love. what a cheesy name eh...doesnt do justice to the content/quality of the book. it echoes alot of my fleeting daily private thoughts..

arrrr... dont know why i am so tired this todayyy... fell asleep just a while ago after dropping hammy off and i can hardly bear to move around now... *lazy assed* lol i didnt even want to go to the gym with my brotherr... my triceps hurt.. thought they looked very flabby yesterday and went crazy with the tricep machine. hey its true eh...exercise ehances boobs~ sigh, that sucks fer moi... coz i think muscular backs are sexy. they say short skirts are for short people.. how come i think i look unbelivable unattractive and fat-legged in them? i can always trust my legs and boobs to kill my mood everytime i see em in outfits i happily put together. good ol' trusty body parts.

omg i hate the way my room looks now. ARGGGGG!! it really needs a makeover. i esp hate that collage of pictures hanging above my bed. I NEED NEW PICTURES! mmm MUST TAKE MORE.

said i wanted to read at least 80 books this summer (20 books a mth).. lol. but i probably only read 5(give and take 1) so far and a stack of books of magic comics. not goood. gotta pick things up a little... hopefully will read like 50.. and get started on my essay too.its due in 6 days! *shrieks* and i still dont know if i want to do JOhn Donne or shakespeare or wyatt!! nooOOOOO!!

mmm.. im tired and my rooms messy and i need a new job. *snore* (#*$_)$(# gotta call golf town.ARGH. *slits throat*

mmm gotta get rid of my textbooks... and i would already get about 60 bucks from the school bookstore for some of them.. and the novels.. shall go downtown and hunt for used bookstores to sell them to for a couple dollars each while walking around. fun fun.

i always fantasized(and still do occasionally) about the romantic notion of being a stunningly beautiful and mysterious young artist (not artitse.. whatever u spell it).. usually up in my studio apartment working, living on a lover's caress and kisses and graham crackers soaked in canned soup whenever i remember to eat.. sipping wine and laughing at parties, exhibitions, seminars swarming with fellow passionate art victims, in that only little black expensive dress i own with exotic earrings i found in some dingy store at the corner of the street, before returning home to paint maps of the bluish veins running along his hands,hips, feet, the expanse of his sweet eyes. but then again.. no one would tell you about the poetry(or lack of)of the leaking roof, unpaid bills piling up on that ratty coffee table you found at some junk yard sale, the cost of soap strands of your dark hair would find itself tangled in, your lover's tantrums, the broken furnace.. and the cold nights your finished work would sit in a dark room, untouched. unappreciated. unsold.

and here i am, spinning an old fantasy from my imagination onto a keyboard in the middle of a warm afternoon after staring at MY unused little black dress hanging at the back of the closet i just tidied... im a crappy university stupid with no artistic talents whatsoever, unwilling to admit that i will never want to lose the luxury of the level of comfort my daddy has given me... with an unattractive allergy to any form of alcohol, however refined. not to mention my lack of that "stunning beauty" and "mystery"(lol).. PLUS, im picky about some minion job at some golf store and i want 5 nice cars in the future.

haha, shut up pearle.

i hate it when you leave like that -
with everything tumbling to a hush while the
tremor in my body does not cease.
the world harsh on my raw nerves,
exfoiated skin.
this raw heart silently sinks into scorched sand.
until you come back.

-purl-

mmm i want to go to starbucks or timothy's but there are peoples on sunday! :( darns..

Everytime I Close My Eyes - babyface.. *tears* its so dreamy! okok im the type of girl who is slightly ashamed of her music taste.. and im aware of how mushy and disgusting it may be.. BUT ITS MY BLOG AND IM GONNA USE STEREOTYPES AS MY ARGUMENT! haaa

Girl it's been a long, long time comin', yes it has
But I, I know that it's been worth the wait
It feels like springtime in winter
It feels like Christmas in June
It feels like heaven has opened up it's gates for me and you

Every time I close my eyes
I thank the lord that I've got you
And you've got me too
And every time I think of it
I pinch myself cuz I don't believe it's true
That someone like you loves me too

Girl I think that you're truly somethin', yes you are
And you're, you're every bit of a dream come true, yes you are
With you baby, it never rains
And it's no wonder
The sun always shines when I'm near you
It's just blessing that I have found somebody like you

To think of all the nights I've cried myself to sleep
You really oughta know how much you mean to me
It's only right, it's only right
In my life that you be in my life right here with me

NOTE: this is entirely satryical and false and dedicated to my old man #2, Ronald Wong.
the singaporean-to-get-a-girl guide for desperate guys:
1. work your ass off and own a BMW 745 and pick your girl up everyday. unless you want to be a xp-victim, please act like the taxi is your friend instead of driving ur truck. its still better than the bus. lols.
2. dance and wriggle on stage like 5566 lord of the gaylords.
3. starve yourself and be sure to look like stickmen - gives you a higher chance of getting into the "pretty boy" catagory
4. if you are naturally skinny, you're in luck! lols
5. have plastic surgery and somehow fix it to look like members of 5566 or jay chou *shudders*
6. pretend your dad owns some prestigious software company and dole out on the drinks and presents when shes around. by the time she finds out the truth she would be too smitten to care if you are a pauper, which of course by then you are, after all the presents and expensive resturant meals
7. DO NOT even TRY to convince yourself you will ever find someone who is soft, white, and sews, cooks and pampers you like a king. Live with the newage girls, mister. YOU do the cooking.
8. try not to be patronizing when she insists on paying.. even though you do pay in the end. :)
9. pretend you went to a western country to study or something. she will fall on her knees and beg u take her home. even better if you already are an expat - bonus equipment gets you everywhere
10. in a nutshell, because of endless complaints of how supperficial and materialistic singaporean girls are, i have made this brief outline for those who have yet to snap a singaporean girl up.

THEN, as a comparism and a continuation of this joke, i will also provide a biased canadianized-singaporean guide to girls:
1. be funny
2. be intelligent
3. be loveable
4. drive whatever you want.. if its a scooter, get her a hot pink helmet with her name on it
5. have curly hair
6. tell her shes gorgeous and mean it even when shes wearing purple. lol.. and pretend she isnt fat.
7. split the bill, she would pay with all the inheritence she has.
8. be neat and clean
9. take off them socks at certain places.. haha
10. just be nice and kind.

lols!! promotion of one self. hahaaa.. its all jokes ok!!

omg i better get my jiggly arse to the gym today!! but shall bring dawne to chapters first, since she wnats to go there.. and get me my bodyshop lipbalm. dodoodoos... shall do some studyingtonight while hammys buusyy *blows smoochies*

Take Me Away - lifehouse

this time all I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burned me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do

I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

don't give up on me yet
don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
but don't let me stay here alone
this time all I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place

I've seen it all and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away

"I do not exist except in you" - thomas *something*


i don't know.

too much emotional tv shows on today!!! its bad for my health.. i had to stop myself from bursting into tears twice today. TWICE!!! because of that damm oprah episode and missy elliot thingy. erghies wurghies.. REAL TEARS TOO!! STUPID TV I HATE YOU TV I DO NOT NEED EXTRA EMOTIONS. I DONT WANT TO FEEL SAD FOR PEOPLE. :(

aww saw Sana today.. after a whole year!!! she looks taller.. lols.. not that she needs to be.. just as nice as ever!! we talked for about an hourrr.. updating each other on stuff.. and university.. and stuff.. she spent 1000 POUNDS ON CLOTHING AND HUNDREDS PAIRS OF SHOES!! lol and she said i watch too much tv and its frying my self-esteem and shes gonna personally come to my house to beat the tube up with a sledgehammer and that ppl on tv get airbrushed and bronzed and surgerized to look that way. (but she saw this singaporean guy on this tv show once and said she wants me to take her there if everyone looks like that. haha) loools! like i dont know. but its all good.. we agree on one thing : ANGELINA JOLIE IS THE PERFECT WOMAN. PERRRRRFECT in every context. brains, face, body and heart. we both tolerate the bad movies just to stare at her. :) yes guys, im a little queer. i stare at angelina jolie. nono, not chad hugo or pierce brosnan(apparently they are good according to *ahem* someone. *rollseyes* ahha). verrrrry few guys get stared at by me in a good way. last time i did was today - at hammy. and the 2nd last person i can remember staring at is that guy at chomp chomp.. HY REMEMBER??!! WHAT A JOKKKEE!!

i think i got a toothache for some damm reason. i never have tooth aches. OHOH WORMS IN MY TEETH. shall go to dentist on friday. or whenever i go to sch. *swears*

arrrrrr body hurts :( havent been to the gym in a wholllleee weeek.. went today and did weight training.. felt like a huge fat pig. but for some reason i swear my bum got different or something. it just changed! maybe its in my head. maybe its the walking.. i dont want a smaller ass!! i just wanted it perky.. looks good in tight jeans :) but i dont :(

hey, i tihnk im getting over the anorexic skinny phase of mine. everyone can be gorgeous. (pssttt.. maybe coz im getting fat)

i was thinking about my english course(major authors one) this morning.. about how i used to sit in the lecture hall, feeling embarassed for my prof for being such a "fruit".. talking about the "soul", "love", blah blah blah in literature... until i realised everyone else there was soaking it in, leaning towards his words, relating, understanding, empathetic. .. then i i became one of them. i sorta decided im tired of being so hard headed and let loose abit. complicated emotions... regardless of sappiness and *irrationality* are the things that make humans people. im sorta tired of living the whole *logic/science* dominated life. maybe, i thought, this is the reason for my growing interest in literature. its like an outlet.. i repress it in real life.. i absorb everything else in ppl's words. so many things to say about this really.. and to think about.. i learnt so much in the past year.. my whole life has changed. I LOVE UNIVERSITY. and thank heavens(i say it now.. not before), i moved here. :) so much more to see and think abt!

: RED
who dya love?
hammy. and my imaginary hamster

name some of your things that are red
hoodie, lipgloss, imaginary wrangler

red symbolizes anger. do you have an irish temper?
lol i dunno what an irish temper is like

red is the color of blood, too. what is your bloodtype?
A+

ORANGE
orange reminds you of:
elephants and nail polish

orange is bright. are you bright?
naw, im dim as hell

name some orange things:
my orange flavoured chapstick, the picture of that bar of soap on my wall, lines on my diary

do you know anyone who has dyed their hair orange?
yea i had orange hair before :)

YELLOW reminds you of:
bumble bees and cars

yellow is a warning color. dya fear anything right now?
many many tihngs

name some yellow things:
the bottoms of my sleepy slippers, the fluffy things on my mittins and scarf.. the yellow dress i made into a shirt

yellow also symbolizes happiness. are you happy?
half half. happy about somethings, stressed about others.

GREEN
green reminds you of:
EVERYTHING! i love green! it reminds me of satin and silk.

green means 'go'. why is that?
heck, coz its inviting?

name some green things:
my moisturisor bottle, my diary, my walls, that dress from holt renfrew..

BLUE
blue reminds you of:
cliche time - the sky

blue symbolizes sadness: are you sad?
right now.. not really.

is blue your favorite color?
i like every colour.. but no, blues not my favourite

name some blue things:
my soft sofffft scarf, my underwear, my starry pjs, hammy's cushions

do you know why the ocean is blue?
its not blue u dumbass. hahaa its a light thing.. dontknow the details

VIOLET/PURPLE.
purple reminds you of:
violets and that flower store in citylink

purple is often called a 'weird' color. Are you weird?
yeah im weird

name some purple things:
my *ahem* pretty purple shirt, flowers, one of my lovecrazed octopuses i drew and coloured

have you ever met someone with purple hair?
yeah.. i like. black purple though

PINK
pink reminds you of:
okok im fruity. roses :(

is pink the most feminine color?
bah no. unless u are sexist and weird. its embedded into society as a sissy colour. and only sissies believe so.

name some pink things:
my anti-intellectual/academic piggy pencil case, my ae dress, the babygrl's lips(the girl i saw at starbucks)

OTHER
what is your favorite color or colors?
red, white, black, green

why?
mmm dont know.. ahhahaa cant think right now

black, or white?
black black black... unless my mood begs to differ :)

gold or silver?
mmm diamonds. plentiums. purple gold is pretty. silver is good for casual and warding off vampires, according to myths.

what colour does your life represent currently?
i duunoo.. its like an cross inky colour between purple and white.. like spilt paint that is dribbling across a whitish/greyish/sorta reflective surface. lols im insane

its almost been two hours and sleep, once again, refuses to descend.

All i can think of is you.

"I am a continent of ics, drawne and quartered by longtitudes and latitudes, floating my islands - fingers, penis, toes and testicles - and if i draw myself into a ball, i am the very model of earth itself....
He smiled. what a pity , he thought, that i have sunk so low. Waisted by the Equator, indeed! Divded by the Tropics. Drawn and quartered by longtitudes and latitudes... Am i Dante Gabriel Rossetti? I pray not! Have i also lilies in my hand and stars in my hair?" - pilgrim, Timothy Findley

its nothing, nothing, nothing.
shrinking violets shrink.
i will too -
sealed lips, shruken hearts
will sweep up
the space you left behind.
i miss you -
even when you are two feet away from me.

one can only swallow the gaps between the words that float by blind ears.
black, brown and blue -
the swirl of colours and the smell of caffine that diffuses into my skin in silence.

Why,
how come after it all,
you don't even tell me you still love -
me?

whispers of
nothing, nothing, nothing.

-pearle-

yes, im crying over nothing.

if you could only see

indeed, daryl. this is brilliant. i feel exactly like that.

"The past beckons to me but I heed not its call,
Sullen pain hidden behind its alluring doors.
Bittersweet is her sting, for joy and pain abound,
Moving with the pendulum’s swing, the maiden cultivates her halls.
The sister is no lesser mistress, impatience found,
Mercurial and dangerous, her rewards entice.
Choice is none, save be swept in her wake.
Look to her and grasp your fate, no one can deny
deny her siren’s song." (daryl,2005)

this is about Noah and the great flood: Not wanted on the Voyage, Timothy findley

"Everyone knows it wasn’t like that.

To begin with, they make it sound as if here wasn’t any argument; as if there wasn’t any panic - no one being pushed aside -noone being trampled -none of the animals howling – none of the people screaming blue murder. They make it sound as if the only people who wanted to get on board were Doctor Noyes and his family. Presumably, everyone else (the rest of the human race, so to speak) stood off waving gaily, behind a distant barricade...... they also make it sound as if there wasn’t any dread – Noah and his sons relaxed on the poop deck, sipping port and smoking cigars beneath a blue and white striped awning – probably wearing yachting caps, white ducks and blazers. Mrs Noyes and her daughters in love fluttering up the gangplank – neat and tidy – dry beneath their umbrellas – turning and calling; “goodbye, everybody!” and all their friends shouting ; “bon voyage!” while the daughters in law hand over their tickets, smiling and laughing – everyone being piped abroard and a band playing Rule Britannia and Over the Sea to Skye. Flags and banners and a booming cannon… like an excursion.

Well. It wasn’t an excursion. It was the end of the world. "

u know whats sorta pathetic..? i still cant call hammad's home without feeling bad. ha. sigh. dododoo...

mmm i shall bring my resume around tomorrow... chapters, garage, JACOB!(lol the one at markville though.. now i have no excuse not responding to their calls).. and i already applied for swatch and steward publishing thingamagig. i wonder if those survey thingys are trustable.. lol. its 40 dollars for a damm survey! i would do 100!

other than two pimples on my stupid forehead my complexion seems to get better lately.. Hmm maybe its the mediocre weather.. good fer moi. well tat bloody thingon my face is going away too anyways.. yay.

another of my old favourite songs:
Plush: stone temple pilots

And I feel that time’s a wasted go
So where ya going to tommorrow?
And I see that these are lies to come
Would you even care?

And I feel it

Where ya going for tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

And I feel, so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?
And I see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?

And I feel it
And she feels it

When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
....
how come its so hard to find songs like that anymore...? even third eye blind disappoints me. mmm. i wish my computor had sound.

two things to ban me from:
1. magazines and sad songs and shopping and self-beating-up and feeling fat because i am fat. yes, but i should not feel fat even if i am.
2. food :)

seriously though, i got nothing at all against the pope. i SWEAR! hes koo. speaks 11 langauages! strong guy with firm opinions too. *light pat on back* if that fly at angus glen dies by today and i feel better by tomorrow for some weird reason, God does listen eh.

i still stand by what i said abt religion making life(in general.. not specifically) easier... emotionally/mentally anyways. few contradicts and almost no "outlandishness" are given room in the brain. it always gives people outlines by which they should live their life. ok, i must not have sex until marriage. ok, i must always be selfless. i will only associate with_______. i will marry a ______. i will do ______. i will ______. my life will be _____ to dictate. ye know what i mean? its so good! forget restrictions.. if u are truly devoted, they arent restrictions no more, they are merely routes u shouldnt be taking to get to heaven.. or nirvana, etc. maybe i should just join the anorexics club.. i will acheive nirvana in no time... by dying.

sigh, someone bring back the greek myths and heroes..i would gladly take the time to convince myself aphrodite emerged from the black sea and phosphorence made flowers bloom wherever her feet touched. the world sprouting from warring divine gods. i love the thought of flawed gods and goddesses, the human like, racked by jealousy and pains like us. not so transcendent and intangible... the one unreachable ideal sought after by swarming masses.

fuggin' hell. vanishing_lost_soul should get a attitude check. flippin' jesus. it makes me angry sometimes.

oh im in love with timothy findley's writing. maybe i should start buying his books to add to my puny collection of favourite contemporary books. he writes the way I want to write myself.. well..but obiviously i cant do it.

the fear of oneself for oneself: i worry that everything i do, my "talents", my thoughts, are merely pretentious endeavours, that happen to have succeeded to this point of my life. well, so what if i wrote a few good essays, did a few relatively ok things? i cannot assure you that i am able to write another. im fake, farce. plastic. perhaps i never had any potential to begin with. perhaps everything i do was never original. that im only a hollow little vessel who plagarises, and lies. i fear.

sigh

damm i think im getting sick.. fer real. im losing my voice and im unbelievably tired lately.. its not even normal..

baa baa black sheep......

exam today! and i dont give a POOP. right now im imaging im some fat princess swathed in a satin robe(except its just a satin pj top with teddy bears on it) and jewelled slippers(my fluffy blue ones) drinking exotic hot chocolate(from tim hortons) and ordering slaves(dawne) to print stuff for me. sigh im so bored. the thought of being on the bus is already depressing. AND a blooody bible exam.. BUT honestly though, when u read some of the gospels from a literary point of view.. it can get pretty once in a while. meh, i just need to pass this exam.. and im pretty sure im gonna score for the first section anyways.. 5% in my pocket. just need another 5 more and im set.

omg im so fat now.. damm its too late to go to the gym now. GAH! how the heck am i going to walk in singapore like that?? people will point and laugh at me. i told ron to expect a fair dinosaur. lol. being unskinny = fat in singapore. EVERYONE IS EMANCIPATED there!! they eat all the laksa and roti prata they want and stay HALF MY MASS. PLUS, they are all tall and tanned and prutty with their huge smiles and sunkissed skin. i cant even imagine how bad im gonna feel. lol. mEH whatever, im gonna swim and tan and feel gorgeous. Hopefully anywyas. OOO i hope i stay at ngeeZEE(hakka for auntie no. 2)'s condo.. they only have a stupid puny pool which wont be able to swim laps in but at least its in tampines.....

damm it all.. im only dreaming so much coz im sooooooooooo looking forward to it!! ARGHHHH WHY CANT MOMMY QUICKLY GET THE TICKETS.. IF SHE LIES TO ME AGAIN IM GONNA GET SOOOOOOOO BLOODY MAD.. i dont care if she slaps me anymore. i'll offer the other cheek if u want. :) sigh.. i sorta hate it when u realise u are now so much stronger than your parents.. im not supposed to be able to grab my mom's arm in mid air to stop her from givin me the smack-in-the-face of the century. sigh.

sometimes the rock grows cold in her hands. sometimes her tears fall like icicles. sometimes, tiny words do matter. sometimes amongst it all, she just wants to be held.

spring's here and the sun's out! But the pile of books accumulate, blocking out the chirping of birds and streams of warm rays. she doesnt really mind being gently placed aside, so many due dates float before her too.. she just hopes this time he wouldn't let go of her hand.
...

rainbows rainbows!! im going to sleep. yes at 10pm! and wake up at 4 or 5 again.. *dies*

"I'm tangled up in you, invisible runes tattooed on the walls glowing,
alas, here comes the morning.
- but falling always hurt."

mm just thought of my dad's friends crazy love story. he knew his wife since primary school... IN malaysia!! and on weekends she brings food to him in singapore when he was in ngee ann polytechnic.. WOAH.. like those old movies. bah, this only happens so much with chinese people. (im stereotyping here) if they are not assholes, even guys this generation make u feel so "secure" so fast. and they constantly treat u like goddamm treasure.. tthose i have encountered anyways.. many pros and cons. the unconditional devotion.. and they were still happily married too!!(until he passed away :( ) thats AMAZING i tell you... most of the world.. including myself.. can only tell ourselves it doesnt happen in real life.. and keep up with our daily struggles and internal battles.

timothy findley just got himself a new fan

"I don't have burn marks for nothing, my dear. I don't have these scars by chance. I'm covered with your fingerprints. Covered from head to toe and back again on the other side"

"Col sat back. he had peeled away Minna's lashes and - in the men's room had wiped the streaks of mascara from his cheeks. He looked - but not completely - normal. His beauty, though male, was not masculine. his eyes were too far apart, too large for that - and his lips too sensual.
Masuline had straight, hard lines. Col's were curvaceous, wet and inviting. Masculine meant iron thin lips; eyes that said no; the fingers that were always curled decisively rejecting any contact with male persons - and flesh that smelled locker room and sweat. Don't i won't let you - and sure as hell, i won't let me was the message.
Undo, women said. Uncurl. Unfurl. Lie back. Expose yousrelf. You - its you i want, not who you think you are. I want you - the person whole and naked on the bed. " - Come as you are, Dust to dust.

sigh, these people have a way with words. it probably does nothing for anyone unless u have read the entire book... mmmm.. well at least i had a good book as the highlight of my day.. stupid library charged 20cents for one page black and white photocopy.. thats evil. or i could have copied many more pages.. hmm.

i dont understand why i let words become to important to me. but i cant talk or express myself aurally to save my soul.

sigh im so *bleeeeeeeeeeeeep*-ing bored

yay aunty dorothy and helen said i lost even more weight since popiah night. bumped into them at the clinic.. maybe i really should start dieting.. and going to the bloody gym more than twice(TWICE?! WHO GOES ONLY TWICE?) a week to speed it up. they are probably just saying it to make me happy. i dont feel any thinner anyways(and i feel so bloated!).. plus i havent done anything... im just as thick as ever.

sigh, im tired of feeling ugly :.( the . is the poo on my face.

and my bf calls me "poo"!! *tears* haha.. i go with "goo" :.P

wow just wrote like 6 pages in my diary.. mmmm

*dies*