this is disgusting.. im listening to the radio about this guy talking about defining moments in 2004.. the tsaumi that happened half way round the globe.. and how the prediction that the world will one day become a global village has been proven in that unfortunate inccident. he was speaking in that voice dripping with false understanding and empathy and how we share the tears and laughter with peoplpe everyone around the world. what seemed so far away has become *takes breath*... much closer *release breath*. tell me why is it so funny that the US knew that the tsumami was going to hit and when it happened blammed sri lanka for not having the technology to receive the information or the equipment to monitor geographical patterns?

hmms.. i woke soo late today! 11:30! wow.. now i know why people who wake late take so long to feel alive.. it makes the whole body ache and i feel like i have reluctantly and uncomfortably become one with my bed. now im just gonna wait for daddy to come home with the car.. and i can go to the library.. or maybe i should just take the camry.. but.. i might just get driven there instead :)

cant find my green skirt!! wanted to wear it today with my fuzzy boots~! its warmmm.. urghs.. hopefully my dad knows where it is.. i havent seen it since theday i bought it.. for now im wearing another NEW but shorter skirt to match my black boots! haha.. looking pretty for the books and old libarians..unless i get company of course.. haha.. and im not even pretty. lol. reminds me of how hY wears her heels for study groups.. haha.. how adorable innit?

my skin sucks.. its not as smooth as before.. hMMms.. gah! but my hairs so straight today.. haha.. well its never STRAIGHt straight.. but.. straighter. ha. meh.

sigh.. the essay is such a struggle for me.. hmms.. took me 2 hours last night to write 400 words. pathetic. and it sucks too.. URgh.. hMms.. its ALL good. its still friday and im planning to go to the library. :D

i need to eat more fruits and veggies.. hmms.. low on vitamins. haha im so random and lame.

schools gonna start!! i miss school! im spending too much time with ffamily.. it kinda drives me crazy.. how i wish i had monday mornings off instead of fridays though.. gotta wake up so early.. and my dad is always pissed off at me on monday mornings.. hmph.

where is daddy?

its kinda sad how im gonna spend my 3rd new year all alone in my room after my 3rd sad christmas.. haha.. at least i probably wont be crying this time.. or maybe i would. haha i probably will.. stupid sucker.. haa.. pathetic. how can i not get motherlandsick and not feel lonely this way really? and the funny thing is.. its all my own fault for being so useless. i think god wants me to straighten up those shoulders and realise the rest of my life is gonna be the same.. empty immaginary party tables and endless waiting.

wow.. i can still hear saheb's shrill voice echoing in my head. ergh. funny how AGAIN i get mistaken for a christian.. why though? coz im goody goody? coz i have a cross embedded in my forehead that is visible to everyone but me? do i praise the lord every 25 seconds? or is it my socks?

gawd, holidays make moi fat. *pukes at reflection*

im still indecisive about going back to my puny motherland.. sighs.

dear God, please deliver a loaded gun to me as my new years day present. it would be greatly appreciated. Amen.

".. i dont tell her that i cannot stop the reeling in my head - the what if? and what now? - or that i sometimes wake up suprised to find that i'm still breathing, that i have not actually died from te pain of my loss, that instead i am anchored, continued and sustained by the esoteric motions of this mundane hourly job." - sheila squillante.. wow her story made me pause and hold my breath for a few seconds..

how come i feel like that all the time.. except i am suprised im still breathing because of the blankness of the days that blend into each other.. that even sleep is no longer a mark of the end of the day.. merely another few hours i get through.. and how i daydream and think about insignificant things. im so weird.. when im too busy i get that feeling too... im either too conscious about my body or utterly detached from it.. mmm

why i gotta go and be so stupid for? i need to buy a new diary and burn the old ones.

just watched 50 first dates and been listening to destiny's child for the whole day.. damm.. how can i believe love is so perfect from these movies and music? i mean comon' of course some brown eyed dude wouldnt mind staring at beyonce and missing her whenever he isnt kissing her. haa.. they lie.. making young stupid girls like me almost physically ache for such perfection. lol

im not pissed off, im not depressed, im not happy, im nothing at all. dododooo... hmmss i dont feel like sleeping.. but i dont feel like workin either.. got one paragraph down at least :D thats 120 words.. out of 1500.. ohoh..

dont u have that feeeling that everyone is moving away from me? kind of? i guess its just me. perpetually attention deprived. meh, whatever.. why would i bother going closer to me if i were anyone else? sighs

takes my pain away, i can't let it bother me.. dodoodo

im gonna try dealing with the fact that i will always be on my own.. and that i should stop seeking comfort from anyone.. people have better things to do -obviously. be there for the ppl i care about of course.. just remember i aint worth nothing. deal with it alone. no one cares. besides if i get cold enough it humbles my expectations and stops me from waiting and disappointment.

they say william wordsworth made the private consciousness significant and public.. maybe it isnt such a good thing after all..

just read hy's blog.. makes me wonder.. she's looking/waiting for the perfect substrate, the One. what am i looking/waiting for? do i want to see everything in front of me as temporary? is it really stupid, naive, a crime, to indulge in my infatuations? do i want to say "we'll see", "you will..", "i will.." all the time? do i even want to hear it? must everything be NoW? can i not take my time? how come i block out my past and insist im a new person everytime a phase goes by and not take it in my stride? how come i draw a line separating the "past", "future" and "now" with blood.. why cant i see it as continous.. a gradual, not abrupt, shaping of a person? that there is a possiblity what i pick up now might stay in my satchel while i cross those lines? should i allow myself to entertain any of those? or im i just stupid to even consider that?

women/girls like me are addicted to dying their hair some different colour.. getting new clothes.. not just to look good but to signify a form a liberation.. or to mark the beginning of a brand new something.. or simply for change.. a breakaway from the grungy old, the familar. what better place to start then the stringy dry hair hanging limply from your head? or if u cant lose weight. buy flattering clothing! make that tummy disappear for those few seconds. it never really works for me eh. in a week or two.. i notice the roots.. the same familar u were trying to get away from crawling all over you again. u sleep in the same room every night.. your heart clings on the same things, you still brush your teeth the same way.. your eyesight hasn't improved.. your weight still stagnant.. as much as u try to distract yourself from it. "yay, i got a new hairdo, new clothes, a new stereo, a new house! im a new person!"

bullcrap.

ridiculous how people like me use superficial/materialistic things like that to motivate themselves and then cry when they realise they really wanted something more.. something deeper. bloody weaklings. utterly pathetic.

oh btw, i just dyed dawne's hair.. its burgandy.. didnt turn out as red as we hoped..looks good though.. with her skin.

am rereading "she's come undone".. another proof how physical imperfection and anger can ruin your life. for some reason i dreamed of the movie "city of god".. hmms.. its pretty good.. somehow it has an impact on me.. weird.

sigh, im bored again. 4 more days to finish my essay.. and i only have brief notes. lets see.. i expect.. a D+ this time. me.

We'd Make Such a Situational Pair-Escapist.. this is amazing

Back beat philosophies:
Philippics praising, over-phrasing the blues,
Are storming in my ears
Stuttering stammering down to my shoes.
Their crackled-smooth appeal is not lost on my mediocrity,
But self-absorption still denies the postage stamp.

And in all ominous/fundamental manners of speaking,
(Tectonic tendencies / Threadbare tactics. .. Double assassination?)
The dust I think is settled just on the tip of my tongue.
(Mirror held up to my mouth It did not fog Should I have been buried alive?)

and you! You with your big band persona
The man without a plan, fifty's love ballad scrawled all over his palm,
What would you do right now for a pair of formaldehyde eyes?
No discretion
No salvation in a rare, rapid glance.
Just cluttered thoughts with the music ear quaking.heart/breaking loud.
Feel out your own combustion,
Wish for apparent indifference,
Anything to make you out to be as intriguing as any other introvert.

And there are theories on what holds any of us together:
We are the oblique
Rolling through autumn with mussed hair and the windows rolled down,
The bitter air staining our cheeks
Melody-for-our-melancholy,
Flushed, cursive-smooth,
Slick slick disasters of such situational pairs.

--Pulling our tricks
Like Houdini on a time crunch.

a poem for my christmas

your voice drips with acid sarcasm
every word you utter sinks its talons into my throat-
what exactly do you want to say?

this christmas suck. been two years.. is there something wrong with me? why do i still find myself so alone after all those months?

perhaps you see the beauty in snow, water molecules stole of their energy to form white soft flakes that fall and melt upon the warm tongue. perhaps it warms your heart, the illusion of tranquility, the serene hum that fills you.

today this beauty suffocates me. when i look out the window i see a mess, an anrachy, a repression, through the rivults and condensation staining the clear glass. a huge massive white whirl that sweeps through the street and holds me prisoner to my house. how much longer can i bare those careless voices, the frowns, the clatter and excruciatingly annoying loud noises emitting from that buzzing machine with its long arm- it might as well wrap itself around my neck choke me to death.. anything is better than sitting here doing notihng. a breathing nothing who consumes resources. how i long to throw my bare fist through that plastic sheet, the fibreglass- the stinging electric impluses might wake me up, drown this numbness.this frustration. of course, logic begs to differ, of course im rational.

perhaps you enjoy the cold, the contraction of your blood vessels, your raw nerves, pale and pulsing against your skin. i dont understand how. it leaves me trembling, it robs me of CONTROL. whats worse than having a already disgustingly functioning body and having no control over how it feels? frigging furnace hardly works too. i hate winter i hate me i hate everything.

these dreams invade
haunt
the consciousness which i keep
swaped in locks, chains and satin
ribbons.
this vessel where
guilt
slithers-
nibbles at its walls,
wirthing - the slimy tentacles
reaching for my naked jaw.
i can't leave myself behind this time -
im sorry but
i gotta go.

-purl-

urgh i feel so horrrrrible today.. woke up reluctantly at 10 feeling like poop. cant believe i didnt even jump up to the shrill piercing beeps from my cell phone from my competitor in waking early. instead i woke to the sound of rain pelting on my window panes. it jsut became worse when i looked out the window to find everything in sight lushly carpeted in white. i feel hung over.. except i never had one. :) and last nights dreams cling to my limbs and i can barely move. i blame pms. that unwanted spike in specific hormones. what a redundancy to life! oh the wtretched lives of those who possess the biological elements on which we place the blame~~!!

so much for the trip and im gonna be stucked at home.. AGAin.. no pictures, no fun, too much of parents, essay to write, not enough of hammy, no one to annoy, annoying room, annoying music, annoying me. cursed snow. cursed weather. curse it all! what an abomination! grrs.

talking about makeup with hy.. lols.. remembering how makeup never stays on my face.. even when i DO slap some on. what a joke. as much as i dont like my face.. i tihnk its better with minimalist makeup.. and everything with pinkish/light tones.. the mor natural the better.. eww when i have other colours i dont recognise myself!
but i admire people who can smudge foregin gunk on their faces and look so good. oh wells.. as always.. im inferior.. even in these matters.. how sad. stupid girls. dont u dislike girls? well i do. ditsy moronic creatures who are caught up wity their mirrors and their own lives they dont realise they are but insignificant vermin easily eliminated with the flick of a wrist and slight strain of an index finger resting on a trigger. goddamit, im one of them.

indeed, i am irritable today. stealing a glance of that ghastly reflection in the mirror while brushing my teeth didnt help ease it either. i want a punching bag. i can beat the crap out of anyone i want everyday.. imagination does wonders. its like daily catharsis!! besides i would have toned arms and a flexible torso and strong legs too if i kick.. and hopefully get rid of every bit of rotting flab hanging off me after a while. very useful thing to have when i raelly DO want to beat the crap out of someone.

i better get to my essay.. lets see if i can spend a minimuum of 1500 words bullshitting about how a poem fills me with wild unharnessed emotions, images of wonder expolding in the cavity of my imagination, the tingle in my gut, the dance of music to my ears. *smirks* but i cant start until laura replies my email... dont wnt to waste my efforts.. and dammits if i have to go back to york to do research.. argh. dont know if i should switch majors.. should i stick to social science or english? or do a double major? but then iwont have enough electives to take a language and a fine arts thingy. and my mom wants me to go to U of T.. WHy? like it matters really. im gonna do post grad.. then it aint gonna matter. hopefully im not too idiotic and mentally disadvantaged to acheive that.

bah, humbug.

"If i were a poet, that's what i'd write about. People who worked in the middle of the night. Men who loaded trains, emergency room nurses with their gentle hands. Night clerks in hotels, cabdrivers on graveyard, waitresses in all night coffee shops. They knew the world, how precious it was when a person rememberd your name, the comfort of a rhetorical question, "how's it going, how's the kids?" They knew how long the night was. They knew the sound of life made as it left. it rattled, like a slamming screen door in the wind. Night workers lived without illusions, they wiped dreams off counters, they loaded freight. They headed back to the airport for one last fare."

yes, you were right. my feelings for him never waned over those months.. but

everything was real.

its funny how real bimbos either embrace it fully and make themselves look even dumber or they deny it to the end, making themsleves look worse. so, in my case, before anyone says anything.. i will be a self proclaimed bimbo.. airhead and all, but without the looks.

i drive
rusted nails into my
own heart.

its funny how i asked for a wakeup call and end up doing it for the assigned caller. haha.. its also funny how i never get my ribbons after so many trips out... even though there are 2 of us.. maybe freud would have something to say about that..

and oh.. i want that silky pale green satin ribbooon...OOoo looks and feeelss sooOOOo gooood!

i type and type and type.. i think i talk too much.. but.. i like talking.... :( writing helps me phrase my words more comprehensively.. and most of my weak "humor" comes better through my writing.. im pretty sure some people laugh more talking to me on msn.. haha.. im not "bUbbbly"... im overly talkative. thank heavens for blogs.. or i would have to find another outlet.. :D

my hair is driving me craAazZaAayyY... its like.. past my shoulders now.. but the layers are sooOO puffy and OCCasionally wavy..in a bad way!!! its almost like i have a tail at the back.. how annoyyingg.. why doesnt it grow faster dammits.. maybe i will try the mayo trick sometime in the next 2 weeks.. if i end up with an oily scalp i will murder. urgh my complexion sucks.. and my mom keeps critcising me.. really u cant blame me for thinking im not worth walking out my front door. i feel bad enough in my bedroom.

that bottle of icedtea had been sitting in front of me since monday.. and its not even half done.. who ever thought pearle doesnt drink iced tea that much anymore? haa..

i should be studying.. but i really dont want to!! i will study tonight when i get back.. read through allll my notes and pretend its all not bs.. seriously! nono, dont get me wrong.. i still adore literature and i think poetry is magic.. :)

the radio has horrible music.. i neeed happy and party music for yoga/pilates!! forget the calm breathing and quiet moments.. loud music with amazing beats motivates me better to make it a tad more cardio-ish too. unless, of course, i do it before i sleep.. its even better than a glass of warm milk on a sleepless night.

hmm ashley is mean and.. interesting.. she has graphic nicks on her msn i dont want to read.. lol.. today is slighly better : " oceans12 is soooo good.. oh god.. brad is so hot.. i swear i orgasmed".. *pukes*

that reminds me! i have to go shoppppp.. maybe tomorrow or something.. when no one is around.. even helia is going to north carolina..

okok i shall control myself and shut up now... .... ....

from Blankets - craig thompson.. he spent the night in her room but they didnt do anything.. he just watched her sleep.. wow, to be worshipped this way... evErYthinG is almost poetry~~! so bittersweet.. the only times i can really think that way is when im truly calm and feeling smoooooooothered(in a good way of course).. either that or im just a sappy loser :)

Thank you God,
for your perfect creation.
With skin as soft
and pale as moonlight,
the bones beneath
her skin
tangling and
rearranging,
Rising along the
iliac crest, and dipping
into the clavicles.
Thank you
for the RHYTHM
of her movements
curling ---
---sprawling
Her contours
lapping like waves around
the Blankets.
She is yours
She is perfect.
a TEMPLE
with hair
spilling over
her temples.
Pressed against her
I can hear ETERNITY --
hollow, lonely spaces and
currents that churn ceaselessly,
And the fallen snow
welcomes the falling
snow with a
whispered HUSH.

pretty poetry...

Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

sonnet XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

suCh a Gorrrgeousss poem!! many people will cringe and balk.. but this is written in the 18th century! awws.. and gues what? i memorised it good already :D *kaching* 10 marks for my exam :)

is is jsut me or is everyone gorgeous except me :( *sobs* sighs.. meh lemme go watch tv and feel worse.. tata

haha.. talking to gary now.. everything is changing!! this guy is actually fun to chat with on msn now~ haa.. and for some reason i just thought of that time i was really down after the breakup and i was confiding in him for the firsttime.. he was soo nice! and even though i know he just wanted to pat me on the back by saying "becoming more pretty liao ahhh" at the end of the convo.. its really nice of him.. not because im happy its true or anything.. but its such a itsy bitsy sweet gesture... hmm, just thought of it.. and he thinks im catholic :D another one of them people with that misconception..

hmmmsss.. bible exam later.. if i get a zero..i would get a 42%.. coz im getting a 76% currently.. and then for the next quiz.. i have to get a 90% to pass.. hmmmss.. and then i wouldhave to pass the last test at the end of the course too and im done~.. mmmm.. at least i got my parents ready that im failing at least one course :D

urgh i cant stop playing those n'sync songs!! they are so catchy and so easy to sing along u cant help but put it on repeat.. as much as i hate it! arGgh~~.. hahaa even dawne is hooked on them from spending so much time in my room yesterday.. haha what a joke.. dawnes so funny!! *cuddles*

i hate it when random people touch me without permission.. even my mom.. arRGh. i want to punch em. so annoyyingg.. meh

feel like hopping around....

life sucks

im no Hamlet but i do tend to talk to myself..

purl's solilloqy:

someone tell me how do i not get jealous? of course i cant have the world. of course i am sooo imperfect. of course everything wont go the way i want it to. of course everything takes time. of course things change. of course there is always someone out there who will have what i dont. of course, silly willy, stand straight back up and suck it in.. and go find a way to inject some intelligence in that slow and low capacity brain of yours.

go study and stop wasting time, u fat loser.


- end -