".. i dont tell her that i cannot stop the reeling in my head - the what if? and what now? - or that i sometimes wake up suprised to find that i'm still breathing, that i have not actually died from te pain of my loss, that instead i am anchored, continued and sustained by the esoteric motions of this mundane hourly job." - sheila squillante.. wow her story made me pause and hold my breath for a few seconds..

how come i feel like that all the time.. except i am suprised im still breathing because of the blankness of the days that blend into each other.. that even sleep is no longer a mark of the end of the day.. merely another few hours i get through.. and how i daydream and think about insignificant things. im so weird.. when im too busy i get that feeling too... im either too conscious about my body or utterly detached from it.. mmm

why i gotta go and be so stupid for? i need to buy a new diary and burn the old ones.

just watched 50 first dates and been listening to destiny's child for the whole day.. damm.. how can i believe love is so perfect from these movies and music? i mean comon' of course some brown eyed dude wouldnt mind staring at beyonce and missing her whenever he isnt kissing her. haa.. they lie.. making young stupid girls like me almost physically ache for such perfection. lol

im not pissed off, im not depressed, im not happy, im nothing at all. dododooo... hmmss i dont feel like sleeping.. but i dont feel like workin either.. got one paragraph down at least :D thats 120 words.. out of 1500.. ohoh..

dont u have that feeeling that everyone is moving away from me? kind of? i guess its just me. perpetually attention deprived. meh, whatever.. why would i bother going closer to me if i were anyone else? sighs

takes my pain away, i can't let it bother me.. dodoodo

im gonna try dealing with the fact that i will always be on my own.. and that i should stop seeking comfort from anyone.. people have better things to do -obviously. be there for the ppl i care about of course.. just remember i aint worth nothing. deal with it alone. no one cares. besides if i get cold enough it humbles my expectations and stops me from waiting and disappointment.