these dreams invade
haunt
the consciousness which i keep
swaped in locks, chains and satin
ribbons.
this vessel where
guilt
slithers-
nibbles at its walls,
wirthing - the slimy tentacles
reaching for my naked jaw.
i can't leave myself behind this time -
im sorry but
i gotta go.

-purl-

urgh i feel so horrrrrible today.. woke up reluctantly at 10 feeling like poop. cant believe i didnt even jump up to the shrill piercing beeps from my cell phone from my competitor in waking early. instead i woke to the sound of rain pelting on my window panes. it jsut became worse when i looked out the window to find everything in sight lushly carpeted in white. i feel hung over.. except i never had one. :) and last nights dreams cling to my limbs and i can barely move. i blame pms. that unwanted spike in specific hormones. what a redundancy to life! oh the wtretched lives of those who possess the biological elements on which we place the blame~~!!

so much for the trip and im gonna be stucked at home.. AGAin.. no pictures, no fun, too much of parents, essay to write, not enough of hammy, no one to annoy, annoying room, annoying music, annoying me. cursed snow. cursed weather. curse it all! what an abomination! grrs.

talking about makeup with hy.. lols.. remembering how makeup never stays on my face.. even when i DO slap some on. what a joke. as much as i dont like my face.. i tihnk its better with minimalist makeup.. and everything with pinkish/light tones.. the mor natural the better.. eww when i have other colours i dont recognise myself!
but i admire people who can smudge foregin gunk on their faces and look so good. oh wells.. as always.. im inferior.. even in these matters.. how sad. stupid girls. dont u dislike girls? well i do. ditsy moronic creatures who are caught up wity their mirrors and their own lives they dont realise they are but insignificant vermin easily eliminated with the flick of a wrist and slight strain of an index finger resting on a trigger. goddamit, im one of them.

indeed, i am irritable today. stealing a glance of that ghastly reflection in the mirror while brushing my teeth didnt help ease it either. i want a punching bag. i can beat the crap out of anyone i want everyday.. imagination does wonders. its like daily catharsis!! besides i would have toned arms and a flexible torso and strong legs too if i kick.. and hopefully get rid of every bit of rotting flab hanging off me after a while. very useful thing to have when i raelly DO want to beat the crap out of someone.

i better get to my essay.. lets see if i can spend a minimuum of 1500 words bullshitting about how a poem fills me with wild unharnessed emotions, images of wonder expolding in the cavity of my imagination, the tingle in my gut, the dance of music to my ears. *smirks* but i cant start until laura replies my email... dont wnt to waste my efforts.. and dammits if i have to go back to york to do research.. argh. dont know if i should switch majors.. should i stick to social science or english? or do a double major? but then iwont have enough electives to take a language and a fine arts thingy. and my mom wants me to go to U of T.. WHy? like it matters really. im gonna do post grad.. then it aint gonna matter. hopefully im not too idiotic and mentally disadvantaged to acheive that.

bah, humbug.