Covered in sawdust
i thought i was numb.

The fair queen sits indifferently on the icy throne-
as cold as her ivory skin of polish marble.
Her lips so red, so -


I'm tangled up in you, invisible runes tattooed on the walls glowing,
alas, here comes the morning.
- but falling always hurt.


The nymphs have fled.
Inside her ugliness swallows her whole.
In her blackened flesh, she reaches out
with bleeding hands.
Should i turn and leave?
the maggots in her eyes squirm with
life and a sort of reverberating,
almost hypnotizing
energy -

i-
-forgot.



Of angels and demons tunneling into your
dreams, whispering poetry and coaxing
sullen flesh with cool silk and a lover's burning
touch.
A mosaic.
Dark, thick threads, constantly weaving-
crude ropes
- wrapping the fray around your throat.
Hush, just don’t forget to breathe.

Beautiful she is, soft lips pressed against the unblemished smoothness of the sweet plum she
holds

so

delicately

under spring's dusk.
i can almost feel the fire in her hair
scorch my cheek.

I lay broken amongst the ruins.
Why did you have to go?

-purl-

i swear i have done this before.. but DAMMIT im bored.

1. Full Name: pearle law wan hua

2. What colour pants are you wearing right now? no pants.. lol

3. What are you listening to right now? my own typing

4. What are the last 4 digits of your phone number? 6428

5. What was the last thing you ate? rice

6. If you were a crayon what colour would you be? red?

7. What is the weather right now? i have no idea.. havent been out.. *sobs*

8. Last person you talked to on the phone? hammy

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex: built, face

10. Do you like the person who sent you this? erms.. not really. lol

11. How are you today? fluctuating moods. pretty depressed.. now just bored.

12. Favourite drink? water.. milk

13. Favourite alcoholic drink? nil

14. Hair colour? brown

15. Eye colour? dark brown

16. Favourite colour? red :)

17. Do you wear glasses or contacts? both.. prefably contacts

18. Siblings, and their ages: bro-22 sister 15

19. Favourite month(s): late spring.. summer and early fall

20. Favourite foods: fat kids eat everything.

21. Last movie you watched? shawshank redemption.. again.

22. Favourite day of the year? mmm none really..

23. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes

24. Most outrageous sex: mmm.. dont know :S hahahaa

25. First time: for what may i ask?

26. Summer or Winter? summer, u moron

27. Hugs or Kisses? Both... but only from hammy :)

28. Relationships or One Night Stands? depends on the point of my life where im at. right now.. relationships.

29. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate!

30. Do you want your friends to write back? mmm suree

31. Who is most likely to respond? no one! hahaa

32. Who is least likely to respond? everyone!

33. What books are you reading? currently no books.. but im reading T.s. elliot's The wasteland.

34. Dream vacation: somewhere hot and nice.. my mood is usually best when im constantly comfy... THIS WINTER IS KILLING ME!! AND MY MOODS! AND.. everything.. like every other winter. bah.

35. What's on your mouse pad? an ugly smiley face

36. Favourite Board Game? erms.. dont know.... ahhahaa

37. What are you doing tonight? complain about my burning eyes.. maybe read the bible and perhaps chat.. thats it.

38. What is your favourite smell? fruity, fresh, soapy, flowery light smells.

39. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? unfortunately not.

40. Buttered, Plain, or Salted Popcorn? mmm buttered. hahaha

41. Dream job: prestigious writer/ something important in the fashion industry

42. Favourite car? none.. ahha.. i want a mini NOW. NOW!!

43. Favourite flower? dark red roses.. and anything else BRiGHT coloured.. but i still tihnk flowers are overrated.. how do diamonds sound? ;)

44. How many keys on your key ring? 2

45. Can you juggle? no. hah

46. Favourite day of the week? fridays

47. Red or white wine? white.

48. What did you do for your last birthday? the beach!! and then morning at unionville... har har.

49. Lifetime goals? too many

50. What is the first thing you think of when you get up in the morning? why i cant sleep longer and hammy. :)

"the tears come down, not like rain, but like blows.
homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i'm always missing someone or someplace or something. i'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing."(80)

"... about the elusive nature of love, the impossibility of ever having someone so completely that he can fil up the hole, the gaping hole that for me right now is full of depression. i understand whypeople sometimes wnat to kill their lovers, eat their lovers, inhale the ashes of their dead lovers. i understand that this is the only way to posess another person wtih the kind of desperate longing that i have.."(215)
suprise suprise, from prozac nation - elizabeth wurtzel

what happens when you never feel entitled to feel that way?

.....

gawd my loathing of china increases everyday.. flipping useless countrry with too many annoying babaric people. the only reason why they are getting powerful is not because they have anytihng to be proud of bu because of their disgustingly growing population and increasing wealth. thank heavens my grandmommy(daddy's side) got out of that piece of crap soon enough.. or i wil do the world a favour and kill myself the moment i understand where i am. a woman was beaten to death for stealing milk powder!! and it was ony what, 4bucks? for the love of god, someone beat the crap out of those culprits.. break some ribs and hopefully their pelvises too.. for greater pain.. then slit their throats and hang them out to drip dry in public. i would gladly administer the cutting of throats. actually.. count me in for everything.

yes, i am indeed extremely prejudiced and ignorant.

you what else pisses me off? magazines with men in them saying how being un-confident is the greatest turn off of all.. oh comon. lets watch you feel sexy 24/7 with a ton of cellilute, wrinkles, a horrible job, minimal education and cheap clothing. lets watch u feel sexy when uhave no money to offer any girl a decent night out. lets see you feel even hotter when your best friend is a serial seducer..while u stand on the sidelines and watch, with your chubby/practically emanciated hands in your threadbare pockets. reverse psychology doesnt work dumbasses.. insercure women spend their lives struggling with themselves only to have u tell them in their faces their petty internal torment is ALSO unattractive. not everyone can be your next-door-star. of course confidence is sexy.. dURH, but i don condemm u for being insecure.? perhaps it IS a hurdle to get over to reach your full potential.. but surely someone will love you anyway. trivial/unbelievable as it is.. there are always reasons for someone to feel inferior.

haha just realised my blog doenst really inform readers about whats going on.. and is just filled with my whimsical and insignificant rants. ha, pathetic indeed.

sigh, i wish i can makemyself sleep for 20 hours a day. spares me of myself so much more. my eyes have been teary the whole day and i got the sniffles :( im not even sick. just bloody depressed. didnt even go to the gym today.. sighs, and yoga made me nauseous. *gags*

one of the most beautiful paragraphs i read in all my 18 years a few years ago:
"Just before reaching the top he bends to knock the snow off his trousers. In that moment, Norma joyce steps forward. She slips off her mitten and puts her wam hand on his cheek.
"Most people," he says, taking in the odd little girl, "would just say, you've got frostbite" " - A student Weather, Elizabeth Hay

Full of Grace

The winter here's cold, and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
We havent seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like Im sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

oh gawd hy called at 7am on a friday morning to remind me she's gonna turn 19 soon!!... wHICH MEANS ITS GONNA BE MY TURN IN 7 MONTHS! *groans* and like every old person.. i couldnt get back to sleep ;) haa... jokes. awws, miss that gurl..

talked about stuff and boyyss.. always.. ahha... NOW I MISS SINGAPORE!! i should wear a tshirt around like that.. haha.. even this girl doesnt believe i havent been out clubbing everynight, chugging alcohol down or takng drugs and having a collection of numbers stacked up by my phone. *lols* okok im exaggerating.. but no one would have thought i spent alll my days sitting around on my fat ass at home or at school, covered from head to toe in full sleeve shirts and jeans, deriving entertainment, amusement, human contact, affection, etc. only from books and the close knit group of people around me.. instead of talking to anyone.. anywhere. haha, pearles not the same no mores :)

she doesnt go home at 7am in the morning while her parents are still sleeping.. wake up at 11 to go out again.. swimming and suntanning or meeting different groups of pals in a single day are no longer in her agenda.. nor does she have to justify strange behavior in guys to her own.. nor can she solve anymore math problems with ease or without a bloodied forehead. and well, most of all.. shes so stingy with money now and gets new clothing every month maybe.. and its not even much :) normally.. i would have 3 pairs of shox by now. *looks at filthy old one with the york fittness shoe tag* haha.

then again.. who would have thought i plan to devote the rest of my life to writing(privately or whatever).. wear a winter jacket everyday.. get to meet even stranger people, read THAT much.. think the way i do and actually get closer to a sister i used to yell and rant at only whenever im home. and finally letting myself fall for someone without any backup plan(s) ready any time i want.. be ok with the lack of the unbelievably busy life i used to have trying to make everyone happy, be happy myself with only 10 pairs of footwear and finally admitting being lighter skinned can be pretty too.. and that sleeping in that comforter of mine during cold weather is divine?

she said im constantly surrdounded by guys.. and i have the "tao hua yun"(did i say that riGHt??). with girls, there is always that sense of competition and tension there that i dont give a poop about.. i really dont ccare what u are wearing and how bad your hair is..or your ethnicity as long as you are nice. i mean, comon. that girl in the bible class is just one example that popped to my head right away. but most of the platonic guy friends(friends as in people i actually have a true tight bond with) i still have did go after me at one point or another.. or see me as just another obnoxious english-speaking sarcastic brat who would gladly stare u down. and sometimes after "failing", i lose a potential friend altogether.. they dont get im not gonna make a good girlfriend. go ask the ones who know. but whatever its still a good thing IF it still happens(im hideous and anti social now...)and the real friends stay behind. :) *waves to edward and ron*

sometimes i wonder if i whine too much about missing singapore.. i mean, its been almost 2 years.. and its my own fault i dont have a full fleged crazed social life or anything i used to crave. maybe i am.. but i want to justify it by saying i didnt leave that place as a little kid.. but when i was 7 months away from turning 16.. its just a pity(note: sarcasm) that i hang dear to the friends i had.. and hopefully still have. its my fault i remember how it feels to swim in the hot sun at 12pm.. the sounds of orchard road.. and the smell of the pool tables at marina and the dirty beaches.. and of course, the taste of the air at 6am in the morning when i drag my halfsleeping corpse out of bed to get to school by 7. perhaps im just too nostalgic.

whatever it is, as i sit here yawning at the comp.. contemplating the things i have to do today(drop dawne off at school.. go to gym[urgh so fat :(].. pick her up.. call hammy, go for my interview and then perhaps go to school to study if i have company)......... its all good :)

been reading today's lecture notes about karl marx.. who believes in the potentiality of a human to be complete -to become an intellectual HUMAN BEING. the only hinderance is nessecity, shortage -our BIOLOGICAL BEING.

although the lecture had only everything to do with economics and i might just be halucinating, but i sense some sort of resentment toward the earthliness(is there such a word?) of a person.. the fact that needing to eat, prevent illness, poo, and die is degrading, an embarassment almost. maybe i just read too much. maybe i idealise too much.. but i DO feel the disdain.

true pefection(to me)never really had anything to do with having the ideal car, the ideal jeans, the best hair. rather.. its about being so unreachable, so distant, so pristine that betrays nothing practical, nothing biological.. absolutely unburnded by anything, anyone, yet so powerful... and all its sexuality is merely radiation of an inward energy. but of course, if i do use this particular word in an every-day context, the meaning changes... to an every-day one. obviously.

perhaps this is a reason why i loathe my own existence so. especially what i need to maintain it. i see now why preachers used to burn books.. and what plato said about inappropriate/useless/romantic/bad literature/any influence corrupting the mind. tsk tsk.. i should have been born earlier and kept in the castles.. haha

omg the issue of feminism haunts me!! nOOO LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE!! i know i am not alone in feeling this.. which probably lead to many extremist behavior, like shaving their hiar off, refusing to shave their legs, wear skirts, shave their armpits, etc.. u know, straight butches, if u want to stereotype.. weLL!! im stupid.

i DO know i dont have to behave "like a girl".. and the fact that i am one pisses me off. and me being pissed off at being a girl perplexes me. and i dont even care if im a boy or not!! im just pissed off simply coz i am what i am! i despise the way i DO conform, succumb(whatever u want to call it) to the "petty"(perhaps???) side of society and not have the courage to actually do something. like really, what can i do though? "modern" LIFE itself is based on racism and sexism ANYWYAS! excuses, excuses.. if i was truly creative i probably think of something.. hahaa. u WILL think im retarded because.. DURH i AM SUPPOSEd to be like that anyway.. but im ashamed for enjoying my success in filling the behavioral cookie cutter. y'know what im sayn'?

prolly not. hahhaa. so pathetic. but no, im still gonna be the way i am.. like what everything tells me to.. embrace it all! with a dab of lipgloss and a spring in my step. *rollseyes*

sighs, and the sad part is.. i do exactly just that. *looks at my tiny pots of glittery lipgloss*

well.. im done reading my notes.. will study tomorrowww... after gym and while waiting for a vroom vroom home... i blog too much and type too fast. and i chat online to much.. dodoos

*blows smoochies for hammy* nite nite

Aphrodite spilt
Glitter onto the swirling snow -
Iridescent.
somehow the wind stole my voice.

it's quiet. Shhh,
i can almost hear the decadent echoes of my reticence that
Bounce, flutter, thud, fly, against
the walls binding the cavity
of my obsession.
Whisper.

the heavy curtains sway like a geisha,
its dark oriental patterns, its languid
movements - reeling -
i am transfixed.

Violet velvet, the slight warm fuzz under my
cold palms - the bitterness of black coffee. Scorched tongues.
my fingertip grazed your name embedded in
Soft leather, like a lover's Braille.
the wind stole my sight.

Hold me
?


- purl -

*phone rings* oh.. its only ahbi.

u know what sucks? sometimes u wait past 12:45.. thinking u should might as well just go to bed... and find that u just cant bloody sleep. then u get a msg.. Oh.. lets turn the comp on again... to find no one of importance online. psh. back to facing another hour of insomia. well, thats nothing.. why would anyone believe someone is looking for another person all night? i guess my "belief" that everyone i hold dear should have a cell phone is wrong. *shrugs*

well, u know what else sucks? when u get home after stomping around in snow right up to your knees(yes im flippin short) and being bored and then sit around on the verge of a teary tantrum constantly hoping he randomly calls u(even by mistake) or comes online not for you, but maybe to download something.. and end up having pretentious asses who badger u with false concern and painfully fake enthusiasm. its worse when they seem to have decided that they are now personally in charge of your welfare and happiness by harping how fukin' awesome life really is. sighs, how the heck would they know anything about bad lonely days that run on consectutively for a year and how my fluctuating moods long to shatter that jaw that holds that pretty huge smile of theirs? and then later scramble to make up for it saying, oh its just me today. *rollseyes* jesus.

gah, maybe i should just go to the gym again. wait.. it closes at 6. dammit. well whatever, dad wants me to shovel the snow again.. and i unintentionally skipped lunch already anyways.. if only i can unintentionally skip everything else too......

tomorrow i go.. i can almost visualize fat cells multiplying geometrically inside me while i sit on my huge ass doing nothing but wriggling my fingers at the keyboard.

stupid economics article is driving me insane. CONFUSION!! sighs, i'll get back to it after this. and that stupid bibleBS. seriously my dear god, get another job. u suck at this. ur followers cant even accept the fact that ur wonderous son may look just like any other guy from israel.. so sad. i hope they fight more and end up slitting each others throat at night. love thy neighbour and forgive their sins my ass.

maybe i should just sleep life off? how does that sound? i would need the help of alooott of tranquilizers though.

sigh, the cold. sometimes i cant even sleep because of it.. damm furnace. no well i want to blame god again. how come no one is out to shoot me yet? or am i going to pay on judgement day?

"up yours jack!" - my selfculturesociety prof.. *lol* dont know why i thought of it out of nowhere.. he said it while describing an analogy to explain self regulating markets.. colonel sanders swore!! man, i love hearing that guy talk.. he's so funny.. its just hard to pay attention once he talks for more than an hour.

*rollseyes* ok fine im gonna read antidurhing now. THERES A DURH IN THE TITLE! anti-durh-ing! hahaa is that what socialism is about?

sigh, im depressed this morning. so quiet at home... had a wrap which only had a thin slice of ham and chocolate spread in it(lol).. my books are depressing... no one to talk to.. im on the verge of shrivelling up from dehydration... sigh. haha.. well i dont know why im depressed. i just am. :(

Coz there is nothing to do at 10am in the morning after breakfast.

1 . Would you marry for money?
mmm no..? i gonna be rich anyways ;) hopefully i wont need anyones help

2.Have you had braces?
nopess

3.Could you live without a computer?
dont know... hahaa

4.If you could live in any past time period where would it be?
mmm the victorian times.. 19th century.. and the 1920s.. and 70s..

5. Do you drink enough water?
occasionally.. when i remember

6.Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?
haha of course i take em off.

7.What are your favorite fruits?
apples.. oranges.. grapes..

8.What is your favorite place to visit?
mmm well i dont know.. ahha

9. Are you photogenic?
i wish. im not even look-genic

10. Do you dream in color or black and white?
depends..

11.Why do you take surveys?
coz its so frigging boring here

12.Do you drink alcohol?
nopes

13. What is the most beautiful language?
heck, any language i know! i think mandarin is such a romantic language though

14. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep?
mm i dont mind i guess? well it depends on the person.. DURH

15. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?
both are good

16. Do you want to live to be 100?
not really

17. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?
yeah, with christainity as an exception

18.When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
dim lights.. it depends on who u are watching with, dufus.

19. Do you believe in magic?
haha not really.. i hope someone proves me wrong someday

20.Do you think you can draw well?
not really

21.Do you like to watch cartoons?
hah yeah..

22.At what age did you find out that Santa claus didnt exist?
i never thought he existed.

23. Do you write poetry?
sometimes... havent written any recently though

24.Do you snore?
everyone does when thier respiratory track gets messed up or when they are dead tired

25. You sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
sides? i duuno.. i move alot during the night.. hahaa

26.Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
rottweiler obviously

27. Are you basically a happy person?
guess so

28.Are you tired?
not really.. my neck is just pissing me off

29. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?
not.... yet..

30. Have you ever met "the one" off the internet?
no.. wth? haha

31. How many phones do you have in your house?
7

32.Do you get along with your parents?
occasionally

33. Do u smoke?
nopes

34. If you're gonna talk to someone today,who would it be?
dont know.. hopefully i get to talk to him though :P

awws i miss you *sighs*

oh.. just checked the york thingy.. i got a B for my writers' introduction to literary theory class. meh, so expected. i say i got like a 72-80 for my essay(psst, only coz i liked that essay.. hahah) and my exam dragged it down.. coz my average before was like.. 78? meh. but they dont have other marks up! dammantation. haha.. but well i think im getting Cs in selfculturesociety and biblepoop and hopefully As in the other two. lols thats horrific.. lets see if the tea i have been drinking recently enhanced my pathetic intelligence which will then allow me to boost my marks. gAH! i dont even know what to do in my bible course anymore! im utterly lost!! hahaa.. whats another word for pathetic? im running out of adjectives(????) to demolish my self esteem with.

yes... tomorrow i shall clean my room up and refresh my obnoxiously fleeting memory by rereading my economic thingy..

mmm its been a unproductive but nice day.. but i aquired new scratches and killed like 600 calories with cardio alone today alone... yay.. if i keep it up.. im gonna lose weight in a couple of weeks! even better if i increase my weight trainging.. but meh... feel so lazy.. besides i have.. 3 more months before summer. hahahaa.. for now.. i'll get used to feeling ugly and repulsively fat and obese every second of the day or whenever i see my reflection in some glass surface. let me curse god one more time for not letting me be born to be tall and long bodied and legged. thank u to the personally-selected-for-self-torment gorgeous models and my racism toward orientals in this area(i blame my background + my disgusting personality!!) for rubbing it in.. at least i go to the gym with false hopes and constant disappointment that one day i turn out even SLIGHTLY close to what u are. no, why would i look at other ppl who are more similar to me? psh tosh.

im using summer as a motivation so as not to fall into depression in the midst of this winter. sighs.. my ppoor face hurts so bad now :( and i almost lost my fingers and legs maybe.. sighs. and a motivation to work out.. so i can wear anything i want in summer! yayyyy... and im gonna buy plenty of skirts! and shoes! and sandles! and dresses! get a tan, fix my hair and skin and get skinny and be glowy and feel prutty! go on trips! eat icecream! yeaa.. and this summer im gonna swear i will read a minimum of 30 books. comon, its nothing.. i got 4 months to do that!! yeah u get the picture.. its like i know i prolly wouldnt really buy that much nor would i will i look any differnt.. but yea.. stupid things keep stupid people like me going.

cant decide if i should go back or not...........

i should really stop all that leisure reading eh(even though im quite a geek to be enjoying stuffy classics.. gawd i just started on another canadian novel.. and i still have qutioxue and homer and chekhov to finish) and get on with my SCHOOl program instead. sigh, dear god, although i have ranted about insignificant matters, lemme raise another one. dont let me turn out as a geek who is indeed a pretentious moron. amen.

haha my mom just walked in to comment about that bit of spine jutting out of my neck since i was a puny kid.. weird. hahaa.. thanks to the past few years of swimming and yoga.. i tihnk the alignment has improved a little.. but its prolly gonna stay the way it is now for the rest of my life..

and oh.. should i go for the interview or not.. hmms.. i'll probably go........ i wont get the job anyways.. dododoODOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo.. driving to fairview mall alll alone on weekends and miss out chilling at school and stuff with him??! *snores*

ooO i want an outdoor job in summer.. but.. erms.. ahem sir, where do u tihnk i can find one?

wheres hammy :(

SALOME
I will kiss thy mouth, Iokanaan. I will kiss thy mouth.

..............................


i swear im dying. random nose bleeds and i keep sleeping and feeling miserable when i do.. and feel even worse when i wakeup. and my skin and hair look like sh**. so dry.

damm comp restarted on its own again too. wtf really. sighs.

dammits i should really go to the gym more often.. im not determined! i want to be so skinny u cant see me sideways... maybe i should diet this time AND exercise.. and get myself a eating disorder.. sighs.. doubt it will happen.. my ribs already kind show and i look like a baby elephant with pig trotters as legs. and im so friggin short too. OH GAWD WHY DO I CARE?! its so insignificanttt.. hmph. i hate my self esteem.

hmm forgot to go to the financial aid office again.. hmms have to go tomorrow then... haha i told my dad i don want to pay for my own tuition and the osap loan is temporary.. rrrIIightt? lols... he laughed. *cross fingers* hahaha

tutorialtod sucks! he is only good for a friend or soemthing.. he sucks at teaching.. gah! maybe if he doesnt lose his train of thought that often, speak faster, tell things straight and clear (or actually SAY something), write bigger and stop looking so young it might help. for now, i suggest he stick to listening to his weird newfinland songs and being his buddies's friends. honestly.. he CAN be attractive too.. IF only he shaved a little more often, stood striaght and spoke faster. only then my dear, can u make fun of me being in love with him. :P

NOW, i gotta reread my socialism piece.. sighs. he confused me all over again.

that reminds me... I WANT TO COLOUR THOSE LEAVES ON YOUR WALL! they are soo fun!! teehee!

things to do on/by weekend:
1. osap thingy
2. get notes from someone for tomorrows class
3. get notes on satire too...
4. reread anti-duhring and make notes
5. OH buy that tinted moisturisor
6. do mondays tutorial and readings
7. do english readings
8. drink juices and eat veggies.
9. read chekhov
10 do a crazy clean up of room.. do all laundry, clean sheets, clean table, clean..clean.. clean.. clean.. u get the picture.
11. write a pretty blog or something.. doesnt have to be on the blog.. dododo

hahaa. another one of them useless blogs

"you must have a cigarrette. a cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. it's exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied." - oscar wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

oscar wilde is a GEenius! never be satisfied.. keeps u coming back for more. well of course it all depends on the context. :) being content most of the time makes a happier person..

somehow i derive amusement from the disapproving expressions of certain people.. like today.. a puny skirt in rain brought me some weird looks.. and that day i wore the capris and hoodie out to timothy's when it was -3degrees out, grannies gave me such dirty looks i shiver with fun. there is just something about doing something that is technically legal.. but TOTAlly impractical.. its just funnier when people spot it and send those looks over.. well, thats only coz i lived by the rules for practically my whole life.. little petty things make me smile.. as long as they don't bring discomfort. oh well, a geek's life.

BEsIDEs, i get to be dropped off right at doors like a princess!

aww, i should start on the iliad soon... but.. i should study first actually..

eww, i feel so ghoulish and fat. *pukes*

havent written anything romantic-ish for a long time... and im in the mood today too.. its raining outside.. im fresh out of a hottt shower after a pleasant day, my soffft fluffy cool sheets, soft music, comfy pjs.. the cliche, u know.. but it always works.. thank god for combo #79: tranquilty+sensuality. dont think dirty *rollseyes*

things to buyy:
1. tinted moisturisor for bad skin/low self esteem days
2. white eyeliner.. its sOOO cool! but i dont think i will ever wear it.. hahaa.. not anytime soon anyways
3. lingerie.. i threw sooo much out everything else left is so.. BORING.. i want colours!
4. a gustav jung book
5. more oscar wilde.. apparently T.S. elliot is a genius according to my brother.. but.....i will just steal novels from his bookshelf...
6. A PRETTY PRETTY SHIRT (it means a top btw, my dear britishED singaporean comrades)! JUST BECAUSE! AND A NEW JACKET!!!!
7. OHH normal face moisturisor.. how come they dont have ZA here? dammits
8. a new cell phone.. Righhhtttt...
9. a right hand drive skyline(?) YES! i AM GOING TO OWN ONE...one day
10. thousands and thousands and shoes, flats, heels and sandals.. ALL FOR SUMMER AND SPRING! THATS WHEN I LIVE! well not thousands.... :)
11. a burberry/micheal kors coat... NOW, thats sexy.

okok.. im starting to rattle on abt my unreasonable demands.. i shall stop.. ahaaa but items 1-7 are neccessary :D.. OH, that and some new earrings.... or pants :D

im getting sleeeppyyyyyy...

mmm slept so much last night.. 10 hours! and my limbs still feel retarded.. haha.. stupid headaches.

can someone explain to me why when i read some people's blogs.. HUGE LONG MASSIVE words just roll off the tips of their fingers with such ease.. do they really tihnk in those long words...? wow.. coz if they do.. i feel really stupid.. *picks up dictionary* haha

the guys in singapore are all enlisted/getting enlisted!! sighs.. national slavery indeed. such psh tosh and time wasters. these kids could have gotten their education done so much earlier. the only good thing about it is that it churns out wayy hotter versions of the guys that use to walk around orchard road or hulk over the desk with their books 24/7 with their clothes dangling off thier razor sharp shoulders. and of course.. it never hurts to have a fit doctor. *wink wink nudge nudge* lols!

omg the mess in my room is.... piling higher and higher.. soon i wont be able to see the floor.. hahaa.. i can almost not blame my parents for yelling at me about it..

HMMM that one lingering question: should i go back this summer or not? coz if i do... i might join ron and his "gang gang jahat"(lols) to BaLi! yay a few days of nothing but sleep, sun, beach and talk.. but i will miss hammy and.. and.. and.. but.. BUT!!!

okok shower time.

Deep inside of you - thirdeyeblind.. the one song i can NEVERRRR get sick of.. what a sad and beautiful song!! *sobsobs* haa

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow you said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound sway of your hips round rings true
Echo's deep inside of you
These secret garden beams changed my life so it seems
Fall breeze blows outside I don’t bring stride
My thoughts are warm and they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah
And I never felt alone
Alright alone alone
Till I met you
Friends say I've changed
I don't listen cause I live to be
Deep inside of you
Slide of her dress shouts in darkness
I'm so alive im
Deep inside of you
You said boy make girl feel good
But still deep inside still
Ive never felt alone
Till I met you
Im alright on my own
Till I met you
And Id know what to do if I just knew whats coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my own people if I could find them
And I would say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you but I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you cause I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me
But we were broken and didn't know it
Right oh what's right
Something's gone you withdraw and I'm not strong like before I was
Deep inside of you
I can go nowhere I burn candles and stare at a ghost
Deep inside of you
And some great need in me starts to bled
I've lost my self there’s nothing left it's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

from today onwards i will try to get 10hours of sleep and minimum 1hrs worth of exercise each day!! even if its random stuff at home it feels good..

wholesome and naive people are cool.. but there is just something about them that does not appeal to me at all.. take.. say A for example, shes seems so utterly perfect, with ok looks she is satisfied with, never worries about getting fat as she shovels food into her mouth, loving parents who spoil her, the perfect boyfriend she is so happy with, a job that keeps her grounded, an airhead for a bestfriend, a large social circle, perfect grades.. speaks in that soft, girlish and excruciatingly sweet voice of hers, thinks exercise makes a girl big and muscular.. which is therefore disgusting and unattractive.. and grew up reading babysitters club and nancy drew.. and shrieks at anytihng sexually explicit. tell me if there is something that bothers u.. coz it DOEs bother me. lols. im not even jealous of her.. her personality, energy and vibes falls flat from my point of view.. and every time she speaks to me or looks in my direction i dunno waht to do. lols.. its like.. ok, whats the right thing to say? would she even get what im saying? oh shit. hahaa.. well i guess this is what some people like, wholesome sweet girls. haaa..

oh u know what i dislike? laZy skinny ugly guys (of course, i have respect for those who ARE by choice and genetics and WHO have respect themselves)who try to dissuade(is there such a word?) girls from wokring out and getting athletic(im not talking about losing weight or body builders)i mean comon, look at yourself.. those girls can probably give u a nice sock in the gob if they wanted... u are just tryig to make yourself feel better and not intimidated. of course a powerful built is unattractive to you! coz u will look like a loser next to her! lols even ron admitted that to me. bloody stereotypes. why dont you just find yourself someone who boosts your ego and shut your mouth about such opinions instead? these people are probably more intuned with their bodies and loads healthier and glowier than you are. URGH i hate it when people use their gfs/bfs to compliment their lifestyle and boost their materialistic ego!! if u claim to care that much, dont flippin impose your unwanted and unconstructive views on that person, goddamit. just go home put your head in the oven! these peoples fall under combo #1 - assholes.

not u baby.. obviously.. haa..

that reminds me.. this fat kid should go to the gym soon.

Found this at edward's pal's Shu's blog:

"what's love? it's such a small word. yet it seems to mean so much. so much so it gets weighed down like an anchor to the deepest depth of the oblivion. unknown. undefined. it's such a cliched question, too. which taiwanese dramas and hollywood movies made it seem like a standard to reach upon and something deep to ponder about. they made it such a sacred form of action, of human emotion. something so god-damned beautiful. so beautiful it hurts. complete with Kleenex and the corniest of 'radio-friendly' lyrics trying hard to disguise as poetry. and were brownings and jennings so embarassed. (i thank bob dylan everyday. and lately joni mitchell.) they made it so sickly sweet i swear i could die of diabetes. they made it so graphic. so erotic. like as though passion was made of it. some of them made it so unwelcomed. uninvited. because they built boundaries around it. this and that means love. not anything else. because that was what nature made it. the Above said so. it was also about pining. about suffering and crying your hearts out. only through a certain degree of sufferance can real love surface. like pieces of clothing, undressed. one by one. painfully."

indeed. but they are merely another form of idealists. overrated or the degradation of sex is merely part of marketting.

what if we DO love so hard it hurts?

i am but the nymph of the orions, the ocean in my hair, the cold sweetness you drink from my lips, the wildness of my widened eyes, the seams you undo with your calloused fingers. would you love me?

versus

i am only a girl, peppermint on my breath, the glitter on my trembling lips. would you love me for my imperfections, my weak arms, my breathy voice?

either i am too much of a romantic sometimes.. not the red roses, candles and craving names and hearts on trees type romantic of course.. or i idealize so much.

i should stop blogging about stupid everyday things eh.. hahaa.. URGH IM BORED THATS WHY IM BLOGGING OH GAWD

hmms.

lol skipped tutorialtod today... and missed 2 buses.. And made someone miss a lecture.. lols.. tsk tsk.. what a bad way to start the new academic semester.. haha.. and then went home curled up in the Go bus seat from gastric pains :(

urgh im soooo fat!!!! MUST hit gym tomorrow befores going to school.

gotta get my glams decent and im gonna spend my summer in flowy/floaty skirts and hippie slippers!!

beautiful by thornlea is really good :)

was watching the sports illustrated model search. holy moly those girls are hideous!! and the whole thing is so degrading!! america's next top model has sooooo much more dignity! but oh wells.. i guess what matters most for sports illustrated is an ok face and a gorgeous body.. which MOST of them have.. how absolutely unfair! wasnt fun to watch at all.. no talk about style or fashion.. just wet bikinis and rolling around on the beach. dawne had the funniest contortion of her face when she watched it with me

somehow its funny how i sit infront of the tv watching these gorgeous bodies walking around (dont look at their faces. not good.)and how they are shrieking about the chocolate cake sitting in front of them and how they MUST NOT touch it! (oh lawrd~).. and im sitting on my huge rump with my short ugly pig trotters folded under me.. eating dinner, chewing on my rice..... sighs im pathetic.. who wants to be natural!!!?? if straving got them so perfect..... :(

blue eyeshadow and fake eyelashes are disgusting when im staring at a person's face. *shudders* and/or *laughs*

that 70s show is soo good! so cheesy.. but many times making sense at the same time.. AND I MISSED THE ENDING OF TODAY'S EPISODE! NOOOOO... today was sad!! hmms everything has changed in 30 years! i cant really blame grandmas and grandpas for seeming overly uncool and boisterious... *shrugs*

lols i want to sleep again... what a pig!! :D

should i get a hair cut??? dammits! i might give in to conformity and rebond my hair just to wait out the medium PUFFY hair phase.. NooOoOOo.. and my stupid face may probably not look good in those choppy haircuts i ADORE if i do rebond my hair.. NOOoOoo!! why must my parents be short and the way they are? why must i be so *ERGH* !!

anyhoos.. enough melodramatic superficial teenage insecurities.. anyone got a gun?

..and oh.. i want a polka dot dress for summer. :)

seriously, i need to get rid of my bitter ironic sense of humor on my blog sometimes! haha

"Instead of thinking that thre was no future, all I did was plan for the future, treating the present tense and all its tension like a lengthy, labored preamble to a real life that awaited me somewhere, anywhere else but here. I would still be the same girl who spent eight weeks preparing for nothing more than a two hour ride home from summer camp, only now it would be my adult life that I would be waiting to escape to, believing as I started to believe at the time that if only I could get out of the house and away from the crossfire of my parents’ persistent shooting range, maybe I stood a chance." - prozac nation

Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day..
its not hard to fall.. and i don't want to scare her

you still dont know do you... sigh


new years resolutions
1. do not procrasinate... lols.. this is harddd
2. keep my room tidy.. *stares at stuff on table* sure...
3. be less moody.. hahaa i got killer moods.. they swing from one extremem to another..
4. be more patient... well.. i think i mellowed alot.. so.. yea. but a long way to go before i can get stabilize my fluctuating moods...
5. play the piano MORE.. oh gawd i really should!! maybe i get daddy to buy me another instrument....
6. get more sleep, water, eat veggies and fruits and exercise ALOT (if only kissing really burns 26 calories per minute!! hahaa.. i would know where to get my cardio workouts from!!)
7. grow taller (hahaa).. maybe wishing reallly hard might help
8. find the place where they sell confidence
9. stop being jealous for crying out loud!! just pretend ppl like those never exist! its all farce!
10. walk whenever i can... winter is disgusting.. but WALK.
11. get used to driving without casualities along the way..watch before changing lanes and avoid screeching from mommy
12. be nicer... and stop being mean even unintentionally.. :( i mess up alot on this one
13. no more sarcasm..think i improved so much!
14. learn something new.. ANYTHING good
15. use the sewing machine properly.. bahahaha.. so i can make new clothes out of old when i get sick of em!
16. get a job and save moneyyy.. no use buying more clothes if i dont feel super in them anyways
17. and oh, study hard. of course.

that will do for now...